Hypnotic love chemistry and limerence

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Philip Kelley
Hypnotic love chemistry and limerence

The chemistry of love

When two romantically interested people have instant feelings of connection and comfort, they are experiencing relational chemistry. Chemistry is a reflexive and automatic phenomenon; that is, it is experienced simultaneously and mutually by oppositely compatible people. People often refer to this reaction as feeling "sparks" or love at first sight. Chemistry provokes a shared emotional experience of hope, excitement, and anticipation. It is not unusual for these connected people to fail to take precautions, ignore risks, and move moderately / quickly through the courtship process. This is when strong sexual urges occur, or what I call the desire to merge..

Chemistry cannot happen without the opposite combination of codependent and narcissistic dancers. It doesn't matter if you met through a carefully coordinated and verified process or by chance. Whether you meet through a blind date, internet dating service or app, or Aunt Yente (Fiddler on the Roof matchmaker), the chemical reaction will determine whether the date ends with a superficial handshake. and the insincere suggestion to just be friends or a mutual dream experience that has no limits and begs never to end.

Although unconscious forces are the primary cause of chemistry, conscious choice and preferences play an important role in how lasting romantic relationships are formed. Simply put, the conscious mind leads the person to dance, while the unconscious mind leads them to dance (and not stop!). I created three categories of chemistry, each representing different configurations of personality junctions:

  • Positive Chemistry: The perfect combination of personality types, resulting in comfortable familiarity and a sense of security. This is where the "fireworks" and intense infatuation take place. It can be the playground of both healthy and dysfunctionally paired lovers. It is exponentially more intense for dysfunctional couples such as codependents and narcissists.
  • Neutral Chemistry: When both people are more similar to each other, and are healthy or have no emotional problems. It is a kind experience, almost like sister-brother, without emotion or discomfort.
  • Negative Chemistry: When two dysfunctionally similar personalities connect, such as two pathological narcissists or two codependents. This can be a very uncomfortable and even annoying situation..

Chemistry creates limerence

Our brains are responsible for the long-lasting arousal that follows the chemistry-bound relationship. As much as we want to externally explain arousal before and after chemistry, the real cause is the overproduction of hormones and neurotransmitters that interact in our brain. To explain this emotional and biochemical process, Dorothy Tennov (1979) coined the term "limerence".

The Oxford dictionary on the internet defines limerence as "the state of being in love or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire to reciprocate one's feelings, but not primarily for a sexual relationship." Although some confuse chemistry and limerence, they are different psychological and biochemical processes. Chemistry is where the attraction of opposites begins, and limerence is where it explodes in a fireworks display..

At the beginning of a relationship, the couple in love, or limerente, are forced by extreme emotional, physical and sexual impulses, to merge in a romantic union, which they believe will make them feel whole. Although sexual attraction plays a key role in the experience of limerence, by itself it does not explain the burning emotional and relational desires experienced in limerence. Sex, however, almost always "closes the deal" and makes the hypnotic experience of limerence grow exponentially..

When the codependent and the pathological narcissist meet for the first time, their shared limerence creates an extreme infatuation that resembles Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). When they are separated, neither can stop thinking about the other, they do not feel like eating or sleeping. Each is obsessed with the other and cannot control their uninterrupted thoughts about the new relationship. The couple simultaneously experience powerful bodily sensations that can make them feel like they are floating in midair. The sense of perfection created when they are together quickly leads them into an intimate and tangled romantic relationship..

Feeling high is responsible for the limerence and is mainly caused by the neurotransmitter dopamine. When a person experiences the "high" of a new love or intense attraction, neurons fire in the brain's reward system, which releases a flood of dopamine. At the same time, the hormone norepinephrine is released causing an increase in blood pressure, sweaty palms and heart palpitations. Simultaneously, levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin are lowered or inhibited, stimulating obsessive and compulsive thoughts and behaviors.

It is part of human nature to experience tremendously powerful personal, emotional, and physical sensations at the beginning of a romantic relationship, especially if there is a strong physical attraction. With highly compatible relationships, each person initially feels involuntary waves of emotional and sexual arousal, deep and overwhelming. This intense romantic attraction, or limerence, creates overwhelming and obsessive cravings to seek the intensely stimulating company of your new love..

According to Dorothy Tennov (1979), "Limerence ... can be experienced as intense joy or extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocal. Basically, it is the state of being carried away by passion or irrational love, even to the point of addictive behavior. " Simply defined, limerence is an overwhelming and obsessive need for one's feelings to be reciprocated..

Symptoms of limerence (Tennov, 1979)

  • Intrusive thinking about the object of interest or limerence.
  • Sharp craving for reciprocity of attention and affection.
  • Fluctuating mood based on the actions of the object of limerence.
  • Experience this sensation with only one person at a time.
  • Obsession that the object of limerence alleviates pain.
  • Worry and fear of rejection.
  • Disabling and uncomfortable shyness in the beginning of the relationship.
  • Limerence Intensifies Through Adversity.
  • "Heart" (chest) pain when in doubt.
  • Buoyancy ("walking in the air") when there is reciprocity.
  • Intensely obsessive and demotivating of other responsibilities (friends, family, work).
  • Emphasizes the positive attributes of the limerence object, while ignoring the negative.

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