The Lolita complex

Philip Kelley
The Lolita complex


  • The Lolita complex
  • Why is it a problem?
  • Why does this kind of love occur?
  • The young "Lolita".
  • The inequality between lovers

The Lolita complex

The attraction of an older man to a young girl is not unusual. But, if the couple establishes an emotional or sexual relationship, problems can arise that will affect both parties and, in the end, those problems will end up destroying their relationship many times..

Since the 1955 publication of the novel "Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov, this name has been used to refer to any adolescent girl who is attractive to an older man. When this situation appears, the man who falls in love or feels a strong sexual attraction for an adolescent usually experiences great feelings of guilt. In the original novel, "the Lolita complex" was described with humor and sensitivity, but it is normal for such a relationship to be viewed with disapproval or even repulsion by society, which will create great difficulties for the man and the girl. in question.               

Why is it a problem?

There are few mature adults whose sexual relations work well all the time, and when the couple is made up of a very young girl and an older man, the situation is highly likely to end in failure. First, if the girl is a minor, the man is in danger of being sentenced to jail if their relationship is discovered. And if the matter goes to court, the girl may suffer a strong emotional trauma, even if her name is protected from unwanted publicity. It is a widely held opinion that when such a relationship is established, the young girl usually suffers great psychological damage and harm..

Aside from legal barriers, and because it is based on inequality, the relationship can negatively affect one or both parties at the same time. An older man will naturally have more experience and usually more money, which will give him greater power than an ordinary girl. She will find herself in a position to be influenced, perhaps even against her will, at a time when she is undergoing great changes, both physically and emotionally, which perhaps makes her more vulnerable. Since this kind of love is rarely discussed openly, you will run into the additional problem of not knowing where to turn for help and advice for fear of criticism or because you are aware that if your parents find out, you will. more likely they are against or prohibit you from continuing the relationship.

As this is also a taboo subject among adults, it will be equally difficult for a man to talk to friends or relatives. You may feel that this is a potentially dangerous type of love and not yet consider yourself capable of coping with your own feelings. Sooner or later, he will find the relationship unsatisfactory, as a young girl is not capable of offering the mature love, understanding and friendship that most men seek and hope to find in an adult sexual relationship..

Almost all straight men may experience the longing for "a Lolita" at one point or another in their lives. In the past, young girls were jealously guarded and accompanied by “carbines” when they went out into the street and were kept away from contact with men..

Today, adolescent girls are seen as well educated enough to go out and about on their own, yet too young to have sex. In this "indecisive" age they are still experimenting with their own sexual feelings, often not really knowing what their effects are on older men. Given that women dress and make-up to please men so much importance is attached to it, it is not surprising that most men find the presence of a "very showy" young girl attractive and stimulating and behaving flirtatiously..

Why does this kind of love occur?

Although most men desire a much younger woman sexually at one point or another in their lives, those who consider putting that desire into practice generally experience feelings of sexual inadequacy when it comes to women. . It may be that, due to complications in the relationship with his mother, the man has never been able to have satisfactory sexual relations with an adult woman. If you are frightened by women of your age, you may very well transfer your desires to a younger one, believing that you have a better chance of being accepted when you express your sexual needs..

Some men are able to have normal sexual relations until they reach maturity, at which point the so-called “male menopause” begins. They may then torment themselves with the idea that their sexual ability is declining and that they are becoming less and less attractive to women. Again, a girl is more likely, due to her lack of sexual experience, to be less critical of her partner's performance. Other men completely lose the desire for adult sex and find that they are only sexually aroused by watching, being around, or fantasizing about young girls. For a small minority, such a relationship will always have the piquant appeal of the hidden and forbidden. The fact that such relationships are frowned upon and condemned by society will provide them with the necessary stimulus to regain their diminished sexual appetite. And while they will probably have to keep the relationship a secret, their ego will be gratified by the idea that a young girl still finds them attractive..

The young "Lolita".

It is difficult to describe the type of young girl who is likely to respond positively to an older man's advances. Most teenage girls are eager to show that they are attractive to men. It is very likely that when an older man makes them the object of their attentions, they will feel flattered and pleased. And an elderly lover can provide them with the "social status" of which they are often considered unfairly private. As adolescent girls tend to have a rather tense and difficult relationship with their parents, a loving relationship, which they must keep secret, sometimes provides them with additional excitement, since they know that if their parents found out they would be flatly against it..

An older man can often offer a young girl a way of life that she is not used to, but that she will surely like. Usually he has money, so he can give her gifts that she could never buy. You can also enjoy being carried around, from one place to another, in a luxurious car or being at his house. These are all material factors, which do not always matter much in an adult relationship, in which both parties are able to earn their own income..

There may also be emotional reasons why a young girl will be pleased with the attentions of an older man. Although probably unconsciously, you may wish to hurt a parent whom you consider too repressive or who is trying to prevent you from having fun. And what better way to achieve this than to "hook up" with a man of the same age as him, thus putting them in open competition..

In case their parents have separated or the father stays away from the children, some girls may be hurt by the absence of a father figure. An older man as a lover can give her the security that, otherwise, the figure of the father would have provided. There is also the sexual aspect of these relationships, because although you may not be emotionally ready for adult love, your body is capable of enjoying the sensations of sexual attraction..

The inequality between lovers

In cases where the man and the girl do make love, and although both may wish it, it will usually not be as satisfying an experience as adult lovemaking. Also, the secrecy that inevitably surrounds your affair does not provide the most suitable atmosphere for the relationship to grow stronger. And there is always the problem that a girl may agree to make love without being sure what it really means to her or to her older partner. For his part, the man may have doubts about the girl's reasons for accepting the relationship from the outset and think that she only agrees to make love because she does not dare to say no..

In any case, the chances that such a relationship will last will be limited from the outset. The longer it lasts, the greater the chances of it being discovered. The life of a girl is much more limited than that of an adult woman, so they will have problems every day to be able to see each other, and to be able to spend a whole night together, it will be quite complicated.

If the main attraction that the man feels towards the girl is that she is not yet a woman, what will happen when she grows up? This kind of love is unlikely to survive the changes of a teenage girl.

From the girl's point of view, a love that must be kept hidden from her family and friends can be more of a problem than a source of joy. You are also likely to feel guilty and distraught, as well as to experience great insecurity because you know you cannot offer your lover the mature love he needs. Finally, it is possible that, due to her lack of experience in the world, she is forced to depend on her partner to solve her problems, which will further intensify this inequality between lovers.

The vast majority of relationships between young girls and older men are doomed from the outset. The shame and secrecy that inevitably accompany them means that neither party will be able to fully surrender and relax in love for the other. The innate imbalances derived from the difference in age and experience mean that one of the two parties, the man, will almost always enjoy too much power, while the other, the girl, will find it very difficult to continue her normal school and family life. If the man maintains this relationship because he considers himself sexually inappropriate, he may not be the best person to initiate the young woman into the pleasures of sexual love or to fulfill her full sexual potential..

As the girl grows into a woman, she may discover that she desires the company of young men her own age, who understand better than her older lover the problems and joys of adolescence. You may begin to feel that you are missing the opportunity to explore sex and life in general with people like her, for whom everything is still new, an experience to learn and share. A mature lover is not likely to share your tastes in relation to clothing, music, or other aspects of leisure and lifestyle. Likewise, it is unlikely that he has the energy and vigor of youth..

Therefore, one of the two parties or both at the same time, will get tired before or after this type of adventure, from which they will want to escape, leaving the other unable to share their pain with friends and family in a normal way. which constitutes a necessary comfort when any intense or long-lasting relationship is terminated.

However, it is important that people try to understand and be kind to the two lovers involved in a "Lolita-like" relationship. Disapproval and moral condemnations will achieve nothing. In fact, such attitudes can only serve to push each lover further into the arms of the other, when if not, they could get out of the situation on their own and without help from anyone. Parents concerned about the possibility that their daughter is having relationships with an older man should not react hastily, but can seek the specialized advice of a psychologist and try to gain their daughter's trust, instead of silently bearing the burden. additional secrecy and feelings of guilt.

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