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Following up requires less energy, it is much more fun and productive than reprimanding or punishing. Following up is a respectful way to help children live appropriately according to adult expectations and priorities. We have to recognize that children have their own priorities, but following or doing some of ours makes us happy..
Following up makes parents proactive and considerate rather than reactive and inconsiderate.
Following up enables children to collaborate and make contributions to the family through the respect they have learned. This is an excellent method of expressing authority or giving permission..
Children who learn life skills need to feel good about themselves and will become contributing members of society..
Children need routine. Some parents think that ratina destroys spontaneity. In fact, when the family has a certain routine, the members usually have a lot of spontaneity and creativity. Without routine many families experience chaos instead of spontaneity.
Once a firm schedule is established, the family will have the opportunity to plan other activities for their free time..
Children enjoy the routine and respond favorably, as they feel more comfortable with the ratina.Once routine takes its place, it predominates and parents do not have to continue giving orders.
Set up the ratina and choose a time for the whole family to relax. This can be discussed during the family reunion, but it is important that all family members get involved in the routine. You can use the clock to establish the routine. Remember to focus on one problem at a time and set a time limit for completing the routine. Setting the ratina avoids disagreements such as bedtime, wake-up time, mealtime, homework time, time to do housework, to brush teeth, and time to go shopping.
The routine helps to decline the power struggle. The long-term benefits of ratina are safety, calm atmosphere, confidence, and life skills for your children. Children learn to be responsible for their behavior, to be capable, and to cooperate more with the family.
Do you know where your son is? How do you feel when you read this question: Do you think you are a bad parent? Does this phrase make you think that you can do a better job raising your child; Do you think that you should join the parents who punish, who like to take away privileges from their children, who teach them or tell them how to behave and are you ashamed to search your room? Do you think you should be in charge of your child's life, such as: choosing friends for him, watching his school work, and influencing career selection? How can we teach our children to learn to take charge of their own lives with confidence and responsibility when you assume all the obligation, robbing them of the opportunity to believe in themselves and develop the skills of life?
Now, you'd better like to see a question that says: Do you know your son? Do you know how your son thinks? Do you know what your child wants from life? What are their values, hopes, and dreams, not yours but your child's? Have you ever stepped into your child's world and tried to respect and understand their point of view? Are you curious to know who your child is or are you too busy trying to mold him and her to fit your values, hopes and dreams?
Another question that needs to be answered is: Do you have faith in your child? Do you think your child is a wonderful human being who has the potential to learn and grow in this challenging life? When you have faith in your child, it is easier to stop controlling and punishing him. Then start using supportive methods, give a respectful treatment that teaches them the life skills they need when adults are not accompanying them.
Adults have invented many educational programs to deal with peer pressure. These programs teach children how to say no when their friends try to convince them to try drugs and alcohol, for example. We are surprised if adults never talk to teenagers. You may have noticed that talking to… is not the same as talking to… When we talk to children, we listen to them and take what they tell us seriously because we really want to know what they think and how they feel. An example of this is the dialogue between Mary and her mother that follows:
Maria's mother asks her 16-year-old daughter what she thinks about the "Say No to Drugs" program..
Maria: I think it's something stupid.
Mother: what do you mean by that?
Maria: We make fun of this a lot. My friends never try to talk to me about using drugs and alcohol. They are happy that I say that I do not want so that they have more left for them.
Mother: So you don't think there is peer pressure?
Maria: In a way it exists, but they don't try to tell me what to do. What can get me interested in using drugs is when they say how good they feel using it. They say, "Crack makes me feel good and you can stay up all night, talk, and enjoy a party without feeling tired." They also say about drinking alcoholic beverages that it is really fun to be drunk. I have thought about using them to see if they really are as good as they say.
Mother: So why didn't you stink?
María: I would not like to think what other people might say about me. I don't want to be a druggie. Besides that, I've seen how people who use drugs get. They are totally lost. I don't want to take the risk of this happening to me.
Mother: So you have thought of yourself.
Maria: Yes ...
Mother: I'm glad that you know what you want and that you have enough courage to hold your ground when some of your friends think otherwise of you..
Maria is learning how to think, not what to think. Her mom encourages her in the process by asking her questions and listening to her. Sometimes her mother gives her some information which Mary is willing to take into consideration because it is not given to her in the form of a lecture. Her mother has a lot of faith in her. María feels that her mother's trust and unconditional love give her trust and confidence in herself to keep learning and thinking about herself.
Having faith in children does not mean that they can do everything right. It means accepting the child as he is. that most of the time they can act according to their age, which means that they are not always going to wash dishes or mow the lawn. With faith in our children and in ourselves we can learn from mistakes.
Having faith in our children does not mean that they are ready to do all things for themselves. They still need love, support and help to learn the skills of life. When you have faith you don't need to control and punish. This gives us patience to teach them using training methods, such as: problem solving, follow-up, family meetings, asking questions about what ?, how ?, why ?, that help the child to learn from his own mistakes . Having faith includes keeping an eye on the long-term perspective and learning who your child is now..
The most common way to discipline children today is to deprive them of doing something or to isolate them. This helps stimulate the child and have training experiences instead of punishing or humiliating him. Time out is stimulating when the purpose is to give the child a chance to take a short time to reflect and then start over as soon as he is ready to change his behavior. Time out provides a cool-down period. Some parents tell their children: "go to your room and think about what you have done." Parents who do this feel guilty, ashamed, and suffer. These parents must be told that isolating or allowing the child to stop doing something is not enough, it must be explained to them that we all need time to be outside because we can all have inappropriate behavior and make mistakes. You can say to the child: "Your behavior is inappropriate" and ask "Can you go to your room?" And tell him that when he feels better and can be ready to change his behavior, he can come.
What did you learn as a child about mistakes?
Mistakes should be viewed as opportunities to learn rather than inappropriate. Teach children that making mistakes is an opportunity to value the help of others. This encourages them to take responsibility for what they do..
Anyone admits a mistake, but this is not proven until the person apologizes. If your child wants to reconcile for what they have done, the three "Rs" of recovery can help. These are:
Try to act instead of talking. Instead of telling your child to be quiet and quiet, try to keep quiet to see if the child is paying attention. If you are fighting with a toy, take it off and put it where you cannot reach it. We do not need to say a word, he will understand that when he finishes fighting he will have the toy again.
You must learn that the only behavior you can control is your own. Decide what you can do instead of trying to control others. You may be able to make your children act respectful of you, but you cannot make them feel respected. Many parents are too busy trying to control their children instead of trying to learn to control themselves..
Try to make an agreement with your child based on what he is willing to do. You can tell him that you are willing to help him with his assignments every night from 7:00 pm to 9:00 pm. If he wants your help, tell him that he is available at the indicated time, if he seeks it at a time other than the established time, tell him that he will not be available until 7:00 pm the next day. Another example: "refusing to lead when the children are making a lot of noise in the car instead of stopping and waiting for them to calm down. You can also deny them an advance on next week's allowance You can also ignore them when they are getting in and out of your car quarter to nap time and his work is interrupted.
Adults often have a habit of calling out one child rather than everyone in the family. This is not very convenient to do, since it encourages someone to stamp one in a determined way and encourages sibling rivalries. If children are fighting over the front seat of the car, tell them, "No one is going to sit in the front unless we find an alternative so that everyone has the right to sit." Putting the children in the same boat helps to deal with gossip between them. Your children can answer that this is not fair, they can say: "I didn't do anything wrong, Mom, the one who did it was Carlos, I didn't." Then answer: "I am not interested in who did it or whose fault it was, only in finding the solution to the problem. We will talk about this at the family reunion.".
If adults get into solving a conflict between children, it can get into an unpleasant situation. Children have a way of working things and they can be efficient and effective. Think of a time when the parents are arguing over a situation and the children are ready to play happily. Give the child a chance. Example: When sharing the Nintendo game, the parent can say, "I'll take the game away from you until you find a way to share it without having to fight." The children agree and decide to work on it. One will use it Monday and Wednesday and the other will use it Tuesday and Thursday, and on Friday, both can use it. In this way they make arrangements between themselves.
If you want to understand people, pay attention to what they do and not what they say. Watch your language. Maybe they say a single word with their mouth and with their feet they say another. People convey good intentions with their words, but their actions tell us the truth about what they want. This works in two ways. It is important for parents to be consistent with their children, to make their words match their actions. This helps children to believe more in parents because they are paying more attention to what they do than what they say. Many parents cannot believe in children. Alfred Adler says, "Watch the movements, not the words." You are on your way to healthier communication when your words and actions are congruent.
Don't make promises you won't keep. Instead of saying "tomorrow I can take you shopping", better wait until you are ready to go, then tell the child. It's time to go shopping, do you want to go with me? Promising something to a child and then forgetting is one way to put him off. Instead of making the promise, tell the child that you are not ready to make a commitment yet. You can tell the child not to make many promises, not to accept them "Show me that you are ready to carry out the promise and then I will be ready for us to do it together.".
Behind every behavior there is a belief, but only the behavior is dealt with. Knowing the belief and behavior is more effective for you. An example of this situation is the following:
A mother is pregnant. You go to the hospital to give birth and bring the baby home with you. She has a four year old boy. Let's analyze what this child thinks exists between the mother and the baby. How do you interpret this relationship?
He may think - "Mommy loves the baby more than me." What is the child trying to do to get his mother's attention or love? The child changes his behavior and acts like a baby. Yell, ask for a bottle, or get your pants dirty to get your mom's attention. Our behavior is based on our beliefs. Behavior and beliefs are directly related to people's main goals and feeling that we belong is very important. We all want to feel that we belong and that we are important. We are active participants in the process of deciding things about ourselves, others, and life; and our behavior is based on our decisions. Understanding the decision-making process and how your children create their beliefs is the first step to understanding their behavior. With this knowledge and understanding, you can stimulate your children by providing opportunities for them to change their unhealthy beliefs and behavior themselves. We try to find and feel important by engaging in negative behaviors. There are four wrong goals that lead to negative behaviors:
We call these hidden reasons for doing what we do because we are not aware of it. It is important that you understand the hidden beliefs behind your children's behavior. Then you are ready to think about how to encourage them when they engage in negative behavior and feel discouraged..
Getting the message of love to your child is a great gift you are offering. They form opinions about themselves through perceptions that show them how you feel about them. When they feel loved, that they belong, that they are important, they have a solid foundation on which to build for their potential development. Your positive influence comes when the message of love arrives.
Emotional honesty - means that you show who you are, the way you think, what you feel, and what you communicate to others. Once accepted, this can help your children achieve the same emotional security that you have..
Feelings give us valuable information, it's like when the car's warning lights come on, we pay attention and we know that something is happening to the car. You have to try to solve the problem. If we feel lonely and depressed and listen to our inner voice, we can better channel our feelings. Some people do not like to think about their feelings because they do not believe in the way they are feeling and, furthermore, they believe that there is nothing they can do about it. As soon as we accept the feeling without judgment, something can be done about it. When your child feels angry or resentful, he expresses it. As you listen, try to explain that there is nothing wrong with experiencing these feelings. Feelings are different from thoughts. Feelings describe that something is happening within you. When you learn to bring out these feelings, you gain valuable information about yourself. Feelings are neither good nor bad, proper or improper, logical or illogical. They are just feelings. They are usually described with a single word happy, hurt, comfortable, hungry, sleepy, sad, irritated, joyous, miserable, and incapable. The most important thing is that you have to pay attention to your feelings, name them and tell others how you feel..
Children need time to be alone with their parents. When they are little they need it more. Already when they get older this special time becomes a ratina. Plan activities to be with your child and enjoy a special time.
Play spontaneously with your child: on the floor, in the park, cook together, or do other chores. The important thing is to take time to share and have fun. Build pleasant memories of having fun with your child instead of encouraging serious situations. Family fun doesn't have to take a long time or cost a lot of money. By having fun together many problems disappear, children experience the pleasure of fullness when sharing with their parents.
Rudolph Dreikurs, an Adlerian psychologist, author of the book "Chitaren: The Challenge", says: "Children need stimulation like plants need water." Encouragement demonstrates the kind of love passed on to children that makes them good enough the way they are. Encouragement teaches them that what they do is separate from who they are. Encouragement lets children know that they are valued for being themselves outside of prejudice. Through encouragement we teach children that mistakes are simply opportunities to learn and grow rather than something to put them to shame..
There is a difference between praise and encouragement. It is easy to praise or reward the child who behaves well, but; What do we say to the child who does not act correctly, who has a negative behavior and who does not feel good about himself? These children need more encouragement than others.
Praise and reward teach children to depend on being judged by others rather than relying on their own wisdom and evaluation. "I'll be fine only if someone else tells me." This prevents them from making mistakes instead of learning from their mistakes. Examples of how to give encouragement are the following:
"How do you feel about _____?"
"What happened? Do you have any idea why it happened?"
"Would you like some help with what you are doing?"
"Hey, everyone has their bad day. The same thing happened to us many times. '"
Family members can write notes of encouragement to each other. In the long run, the encouragement will create a positive climate in the family..
Teach your children to give compliments. Ask them what they think about the compliments received.
Children think that not feeling comfortable or having to give a compliment is silly. Make complimenting a family habit.
Good feelings grow in your family with the practice of encouragement and compliments to each other and to the people with whom they interact.
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