The couple, is coexistence in crisis?

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Basil Manning
The couple, is coexistence in crisis?

"The more space you allow and encourage within a relationship, the more that relationship will prosper." Wayne dyer

Traditional norms required incompatible couples to remain together for the good of their children, at least until they were adults. Education was the first function of the family and had to be carried out in the shelter of the parents' coexistence. Let us remember what traditionally Catholicism imposes on marriage, "until death do us part." This has caused many of our ancestors to continue together since it was impossible to consider a marriage breakdown since it was frowned upon. Many people reading this paragraph will agree that they have lost their life next to someone they had already stopped loving simply because the rules imposed it. I myself had to put up with misunderstandings from my parents and grandparents when I explained to them my decision to break with the marital commitment that I had acquired simply because I did not find meaning in my own personal growth next to that person who years before had filled me with happiness. Today, as individuals put their own fulfillment before the paternal mission, many think that incompatible couples deserve the opportunity to free themselves to find a more suitable person and greater emotional satisfaction. To this is added that, by divorcing and exercising parenthood separately, the growth and self-realization of everyone, adults and children, is favored..

The decision to break up is a crucial moment in married and family life. The end of a marriage, or of a coexistence, requires both partners to immediately rethink a shared life project until that day, and can have a certain negative or positive effect on parents and children. Many people will believe that having children should stay together for their sake and that is not entirely true. For a son, it is much better for his parents to be separated if this gives them a personal well-being, which will improve relations with the son according to his emotional maturity. Parents will continue to perform their role with a higher quality separately than if they were together, just for the fact of having a child because their own dissatisfactions would emerge in their children's education.

Nowadays, there is a tendency to privilege personal happiness over family happiness, with which, if a marriage is not satisfactory, it is not considered obliged to remain together for the good of the children.

The change in male and female roles in recent decades has led to an increase in marital instability in our time.

The more women work outside the home, the fewer children they have, they have received more education, their self-esteem has increased, their ideas about the division of family roles are less traditional and it is easier for a separation to occur. In families where the husband has lost his job, sexual, self-esteem, alcohol or drug abuse problems are exacerbated and cases of violence multiply. In violent behavior, men may find a substitute for lost virility (in their eyes) and for diminishing job prospects. Masculinity is also associated with control over others and over himself: man is destined for action, he cannot allow himself to be weak, show himself and feel vulnerable like a woman.

Modern couples can be particularly rich, stimulating and happy when their members share a common life project, but they have a high risk of failure if they limit each other's personal development. Personal development is today an important objective that is pursued even at the cost of breaks, transfers, job changes, acquisition of new skills and self-analysis. In this process, loss and grief accompany growth and affirmation of individuality..

The loving bond is considered to be the appropriate way to achieve the personal life project, which constitutes the fundamental objective of individuals in our society. When an affective bond is interrupted, it is normal to want to not suffer more, freeing yourself from the unsatisfactory relationship, and find a more pleasant way of living, alone or with another partner..

Emotional separation can appear long before physical separation. It begins when one of the members of the couple observes the deterioration of the relationship and tries to remedy it, but is unsuccessful. Little by little, the spouse in crisis loses hope that things will improve and begins to imagine that the bond is not worth maintaining. Hatred, jealousy, indignation and other negative feelings are defensive reactions to the pain and anguish felt by partners who are left by the other, but who are still emotionally united. As they refuse to accept the ending, many of them try to exorcise the pain and accuse the former partner or the world; they feed desires for revenge and accumulate anger and resentment. Falling in love is one of the most desired and most feared experiences at the same time; because, being extraordinarily enriching for personal growth, if love dies, it can cause very serious damage to our psyche and block our development.

For some, the end of a relationship is an intolerable and unacceptable episode; a failure that generates serious feelings of guilt. This phenomenon appears in particular when only one of the spouses wants to break the union, and the other, who perhaps has not perceived the process of deterioration of the relationship, is surprised by this decision. But time and the analysis of oneself make the separation finally live as a necessity to improve our personal growth..


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