![100 Sarcastic and Ironic Funny Phrases [with Pictures]](https://pokemongoplanet.com/storage/img/images_2/100-frases-sarcsticas-e-irnicas-graciosas-[con-imgenes]_93.jpg)
We live in a sarcastic society. Around the world and from many people you can find sarcasm; in newspapers, news, movies, social networks and in general in daily life. Some people like it and others not so much.
I leave you the best sarcastic and ironic phrases funny, some said by historical figures such as Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein, Oscar Wilde, Carl Sagan, Woody Allen and of course, Groucho Marx.
Article index
-Do you hate your job? Why didn't you say it? There is a support group for that. Everyone calls and they see each other at the bar.-Drew Carey.
-It is a catastrophic success.-Stephen Bishop.
-I have had a perfect afternoon, but it was not this.-Groucho Marx.
-I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to get it without dying.-Woody Allen.
-A good listener often thinks about something else.-Kin Hubbar.
-I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go to another room to read a book.-Groucho Marx.
-The only thing worse than they talk about you is that they don't talk about you.-Oscar Wilde.
-People appreciate the little things you do for them. And that's how you avoid being asked to do something else.-Unknown author.
-I believe in luck. How else to explain the success of those you don't like? -Jean Cocteau.
-I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would offend your intelligence.-George Bernard Shaw.
-I feel miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.-Ashleigh Brillian.
-If you don't want a sarcastic answer, don't ask a silly question.
-The problem with children is that they cannot be returned.-Quentin Crisp.
-It often seems a bit sad that Noah and his family didn't miss the boat.-Mark Twain.
-He has Van Gogh's ear for music.-Billy Wilder.
-When people are free to do what they want, they often imitate others.-Eric Hoffer.
-I never forget a face, but in your case I will make an exception.-Groucho Marx.
-I'm not young enough to know.-Oscar Wilde.
-History has taught us that man and nations behave wisely when they have exhausted all alternatives.-Abba Eban.
-Some people like my advice so much that they frame it on the wall instead of using it.-Gordon Dickson.
-We have the best government money can buy.-Mark Twain.
-Why should we accept sexual advice from the pope? If you know anything about sex, you shouldn't! -George Bernard Shaw.
-My opinion may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.-Ashleigh Brilliant.
-When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. I realized that the man does not work like that, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.-Emo Philips.
-I can do many things at the same time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.-Ashleigh Brilliant.
-If you find it difficult to laugh for yourself, I will be happy to do it for you.-Groucho Marx.
-Get the facts first, then you can distort them however you want.-Mark Twain.
-I never let school interfere with my education.-Mark Twain.
-He is a self-made man and adores his creator.-Irvin Cobb.
-When I was a child I was told that anyone can be president and I begin to believe it.-Clarence Darrow.
-I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be imperceptible.-Mark Twain.
-Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often.-Mark Twain.
-To be sure you hit your target, shoot first and call whatever you hit "the target." - Ashleigh Brilliant.
-I did not attend the funeral, but I did send a letter saying I approved.-Mark Twain.
-Love nature despite what she did to you.-Forrest Tucker.
-A psychiatrist is a guy who asks you many expensive questions that your wife asks you for nothing.-Joey Adams.
-If we are the only intelligent life in the Universe, there are at least a finite number of idiots.-Steven Coallier.
-Reader, imagine you were an idiot and you were a member of Congress. But I'm repeating myself.-Mark Twain.
-I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.-Fred Allen.
-Nothing fixes something so intensely in memory as the desire to forget it.-Montaigne.
-A clear conscience is usually a sign of poor memory.-Steven Wright.
-Consumers are not stupid; your wife is part of them.-David Ogilvy.
-I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am because I hate plants.-Whitney Brown.
-It is always black before it becomes absolutely dark.-Paul Newman.
-His ignorance is encyclopedic.-Abba Eban.
-I am easily satisfied with the best.-Winston Churchill.
-It is not necessary to understand things to argue about them.-Caron de Beaumarchais.
-Many people are little more than employees of their possessions.-Frank Lloyd Wright.
-Never leave for tomorrow what you can leave for the day after tomorrow.-Mark Twain.
-We did not lose the game; Our time is up.-Vince Lombardi.
-If you don't read the newspaper you are not informed; If you read it, you are misinformed.-Mark Twain.
-Any woman can be glamorous. All you have to do is stay on your feet and look stupid.-Hedy Lamarr.
-Being stupid, selfishness and having good health are three requirements for happiness, but if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.-Gustave Flauber.
-I want either more corruption or more opportunity to participate in it.-Ashleigh Brilliant.
-A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one individually believes.-Abba Eban.
-The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, which means ability to, and bic, which means to endure tremendous boredom.-Dave Barry.
-Do not accept treats from strangers unless they take you somewhere.-Unknown author.
-If I were twice as smart as I am now, you would be absolutely stupid.-Unknown author.
-You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.-Unknown author.
-You have an inferiority complex and it is completely justified.-Unknown author.
-Those who think you know everything are annoying to those who know everything.-Carl Sagan.
-Only two things are infinite, the Universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the first.-Albert Einstein.
-A prisoner is a man who tries to kill you and fails, so he asks you not to kill him.-Winston Churchill.
-I am so intelligent that sometimes I do not understand a word I say.-Oscar Wilde.
-The first problem in this country is apathy, but who cares.-Unknown author.
-I'm busy. Can I ignore you for a little longer? -Unknown author.
-If a stranger offers you a treat, take two.-Unknown author.
-If you are one in a million, there are six million people exactly like you.-Unknown author.
-The eternal dilemma: too tired to wake up, too awake to go back to sleep.
-The meeting between procrastinators has been postponed.
-They want to see you grow. But never more than them. Remember it.
-Never waste an opportunity to shut up.-Unknown author.
-Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.-Author unknown.
-Do not appreciate that I criticized you, it was a pleasure.-Unknown author.
-I'm impressed; I have never known such a small mind in such a big head.-Unknown author.
-A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest? Unknown author.
-I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.-Clarence Darrow.
-100% of Americans are 99% idiots.-George Bernard Shaw.
-Be careful reading health books. You could die of a mistake.-Mark Twain.
-If you don't want a sarcastic answer, don't ask a silly question.
-Life is like a roller coaster and I'm about to throw up.-Unknown author.
-You can be anything you want in your life; however, in your case you should aim low.-Unknown author.
-Do something productive in your life. Stop being yourself.-Unknown author.
-He has not had any enemies in his entire life, but his friends hate him intensely.-Unknown author.
-Experience is a wonderful thing for life. It allows you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.-Unknown author.
-Someone who thinks logically in his life provides a cool contrast to the world.-Unknown author.
-Sometimes I need what only you can give me: your absence.-Ashleigh Brillian.
-If I wanted a penny I would break my son's piggy bank, if I had a son. -Groucho Marx.
-I'm 99 percent sure they don't like me, but I'm 100 percent sure I don't care. -Unknown author.
-Every city has the same two shopping malls: one that whites go to and the other that whites go to. -Chris Rock.
-The same thing happens with the laws as with sausages, it is better not to see how they are made. -Otto Von Bismarck.
-I am a teacher making them believe that the opinion of others matters to me. -Doctor House series.
-Zombies eat brains. You're safe. -Anonymous author.
-If you think this Universe is bad, you should see the other universes. -Phillip K. Dick
-The irony is lost in the stupid. -Oscar Wilde.
-I'm smiling ... that should scare you. -Unknown author.
-You are so dumb that your IQ and your shoe size have the same measurement. -Unknown author.
-It's not that I'm afraid of dying. I just don't want to be in that place when it happens. -Woody Allen.
-There were two roads in the forest, I took the one less traveled by and they canceled my show. He certainly should have taken the path that all those people had. -Joss Whedon.
-Dear alcohol, we had a deal… you made me funnier, more beautiful, smarter, and a better dancer. But I saw the recording yesterday… so we have to talk. -Unknown author
-Stupidity is a surprising disease. It is not the sick person who suffers it, but other people. -Voltaire.
-Of all the things life has given me, I would love to put back 10 kilos. -Unknown author.
-The future is very similar to the present, only longer. -Dan Quisenberry.
-I love being famous. It's almost like being white. -Chris Rock.
-The problem is that people know little or almost nothing, but they talk a lot. -Kurt Smith.
-Murder is forbidden, therefore all murderers are punished unless they murder in large masses and at the sound of trumpets. -Voltaire.
-Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh at you or pity you. -Unknown author.
-There has never been a baby so tender that the mother does not want to put him to sleep. -Ralph Waldo Emerson.
-Light travels faster than sound. That is the reason why some people appear to glow until they speak. -Steven Wright.
-Outside of the dog, a book is perhaps man's best friend; and inside the dog it may be too dark to read. -Groucho Marx.
-After lying, you need to have a good memory. -Pierre Corneille.
-Criticizing my flaws is not going to belittle your flaws. -Jack Black.
-I'd rather be partly outstanding than completely useless. -Neal Shusterman.
-The brain is a fantastic organ. It starts working as soon as we wake up and continues working until we walk into the office. -Robert Frost.
-We are specialized in a constant repetition of calamity and stupidity. -Terenci Moix.
-I must admit that I was born at a very young age. -Groucho Marx.
-Young people think older people are stupid. The old know that the young are fools. -Jhon Lyly.
-I like you. People say I don't have good taste, but I like you.-Unknown author.
-I would love for us to be better strangers.-Unknown author.
-You need plastic surgery, not a doctor.-Jochn Cleese.
-Every time I look at you I have a fierce desire to feel alone.-Oscar Levant.
-Marriage is the main cause of divorce.-Groucho Marx.
-I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I did not want to interrupt her.-Rodney Dangerfield.
-Marry me and I'll never look at another horse again! -Groucho Marx.
-Stay with me, I want to be alone.-Joey Adams.
-He may be drunk, miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.-Winston Churchill.
-You are a habit that I would like to kick. With both feet.-Unknown author.
-The problem with common sense in life is that most people are dumb.-Unknown author.
-The person who asks you to be yourself in your life, could not have given you worse advice.-Unknown author.
-Remember: the moment you feel lonely is the moment you need to be alone the most. The cruelest irony in life. -Douglas Coupland.
-Do not worry about your heart, it will last you a lifetime. -Alfred Bach.
-The jury is made up of twelve people who were selected to decide who has the best lawyer. -Robert Frost.
-The only thing preventing God from sending a second flood is that the first was useless. -Nicolas Chamfort.
-Marriage is about trying to solve problems between two people that would never have existed when you are alone. -Eddy Cantor.
-If you get married you will regret it. If you don't get married, you're going to regret it too. -Soren Kierkegaard.
-Single people should pay more taxes. It is unfair that some men are happier than others. -Osacr Wilde.
-Someday you will realize that your children came out ugly and you will wonder why you did not marry me. -Jon Lajoie.
-Sometimes it's easier to be happy if you don't know everything. -Alexander McCall.
-As soon as you stop wanting something, you get it. -Andy Warhol.
-You will never have any idea how much you draw me… into the abyss. -Unknown author.
-If you make people think they are thinking they will love you, but if you make them really think they will hate you. -Harlan Ellison.
-In this life there are three types of love: the real, the normal and then there is the one we make. -Unknown author.
-I spent so much, so much time loving you in silence that now I don't understand why my silence didn't last any longer. -Unknown author.
-Sometimes I need something that only you can give me: your absence. -Ashleigh Brillian.
-You sound better with your mouth closed. -Unknown author.
-There are three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. -Chris Rock.
-I don't do drugs, but sometimes I wish I had. That way when I failed in life I would have had an excuse. -Chris Rock.
-If a woman tells you she is twenty years old and appears to be sixteen, she is twelve years old. If he tells you that he is twenty-six and looks so, then he is in his forties. -Chris Rock.
-A man is only as faithful as his options. -Chris Rock.
-I used to cross the ocean for you, but today I don't even cross my fingers for you. -Dave Hughes.
-Only people who have been married understand that you can be miserable and happy at the same time. -Chris Rock.
Funny quotes
Groucho Marx quotes
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