Humor is one of the best ways to brighten up your life and that of others. With it you can see life with a positive perspective and face problems with a better frame of mind. Without a doubt, life is very different with and without humor.
Humor is proven to be good for well-being and happiness. It helps to release stress and to see life's difficulties from a more positive perspective. Without further ado, enjoy the moment with these great phrases.
With the funny and funny phrases that you will find below you will have a good time, but you can also dedicate them to other people and improve their day. They are witty quotes that are not heard in the day to day, but that you can use them to amuse others.
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-Today someone told me that I am lazy. I almost answered him.
-My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.
-If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
-Sometimes when I close my eyes I can't see.
-A balanced diet is having a cupcake in each hand.
-A policeman stopped me and said "Papers". So I said "Scissors, I win!" and he left.
-Be the person you were lazy to be yesterday.
-Jokes about elephants are not good. Because they are irrelevant.
-The first time I sang in church, two hundred people changed their religion.
-Do not think that you are an ugly person, think that you are a beautiful monkey.
-If the mountain comes to you, run, because it is collapsing.
-I once thought about losing weight, but I don't like to lose.
-I've had a very tired day, turning oxygen into carbon dioxide.
-I have to go to the eye doctor, but I never see the moment.
-Some things are better left unsaid. But I'll get drunk and say them anyway.
-The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day..
-You never realize what you've got until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
-My neighbors listen to good music. Like it or not.
-I love my job, only when I'm on vacation.
-Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring and then I go back to being myself..
-Hypochondria is the only disease I don't have.
-When one door closes, another door must open, but if it doesn't, then enter through the window.
-If I won the award for laziness, I would send someone to pick it up for me.
-To make time fly, throw the clock out the window.
-I just wanted you to know that someone cares about you. Not to me, but to someone yes.
-My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so that people don't think I'm dead.
-Dear math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.
-I made a huge to-do list for today. I just can't figure out who's going to do it.
-Never judge a book by its movie.
-The important thing is not to know, but to have the phone number of the person you know.
-When people tell me "you're going to regret that in the morning," I sleep until I wake up in the afternoon, because I'm a problem solver..
-My smartphone ignores me, I keep clicking the Home button and when I look around, I continue at my work.
-If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off??
-I wonder how the bicycle police arrest people. "Ok, get in the basket".
-Me and my bed are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to separate us.
-I changed my password everywhere to "wrong". In this way, when I forget it, it always reminds me: "Your password is wrong".
-Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
-Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit eight people at once.
-Some people are like clouds. When they leave it's a brighter day.
-Seeing a cockroach in my room is not scary. It is when it disappears.
-Don't you know where your children are in the house? Turn off the internet and they will appear.
-Maybe if we told people that the brain is an app, they would start using it.
-I'm not lazy, I'm in energy saving mode.
-It's always fun until someone gets hurt. So it's really fun.
-I used to think that I'm indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
-If the phone doesn't ring it's me.
-Now I begin to remember. But I don't remember anything!
-My plastic plants died because I didn't seem to water them.
-I hate being bipolar, it's a fantastic feeling.
-Laugh and the world will laugh with you, snore and you will sleep alone.
-Time is precious, waste it wisely.
-Facebook-wasting time since 2004.
-A day without sun is, you know, the night.
-The only reason I'm fat is because this little body can't handle such a personality..
-My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I asked for a second opinion. He told me he was ugly too.
-Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.
-I looked at my family tree and found that I was the toad.
-People who think they know everything are a great nuisance for those who do know everything.
-I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
-A word to the wise is not necessary. We are the stupid who need advice.
-I found there is only one way to appear skinny: dating fat people.
-I refuse to be part of a club that had me as a member.-Groucho Marx.
-I like long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.
-Every woman can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
-I saw a woman wearing a hoodie that said Guess. Said; Thyroid problems?
-I hate housework! You make the beds, clean the dishes, and six months later you have to start over..
-If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman; will be all ears.
-Don't worry about avoiding temptations. As you get older they will avoid you.
-I never drink water because of the nasty things fish do in it.
-Age is something that does not matter, unless you are a cheese.
-I never said most of the things that I said.
-Never hit a fallen man, he can get up.
-I used to run but ice cubes were falling out of my glass.
-I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder that does it for me.
-I have tried not knowing anything about many things and have been quite successful.
-The cure for an obsession: get another.
-Before rejecting your questions, I declare to be open.
-I buy expensive suits. They just seem cheap on me.
-I failed to enter the chess team because of my height.-Woody Allen.
-Men are only as loyal as their options.
-I was born in very sad circumstances. Both of my parents felt very sad.
-When I was born I owed twelve dollars.
-If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
-He used to sell furniture for living. The problem is that they were mine.
-Everything is fun, as long as it's happening to someone else.
-I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded and jumping around with a deformed hand.-Leonardo DiCaprio.
-I am so intelligent that sometimes I do not understand a single word of what I am saying.-Oscar Wilde.
-Borrow money from a pessimist. Won't expect you to pay it back.
-Santa Claus had the right idea: he visits people once a year.
-When I was a child, the dead sea was just sick.
-The bad thing is not living in the clouds, but going down.
-I'm too lazy to be lazy.
-Pleasing everyone is impossible, but making everyone angry is a piece of cake.
-I know the voices in my head are not real. But sometimes his ideas are absolutely great.
-Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
-Of course I have a talent. I'm very good in bed. Sometimes I sleep more than 9 hours in a row.
-Me and my bed, we're perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to separate us.
-There is always light at the end of the tunnel. If there isn't, then it's not a tunnel.
-They say "don't try this at home" so I'm going to yours to try.
-I could wake up early and work out, or I could win the lottery. The odds are the same.
-I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be happy to make an exception.-Groucho Marx.
-Organized people are just too lazy to look for their stuff.
-Never test how deep the water is with both feet.
-Sorry, if you were correct, I would agree with you.-Robin Williams.
-Alcohol does not solve any problem, but neither does milk.
-Laziness is nothing but the habit of resting before getting tired.
-Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
-Silence is gold. Unless you have children, there it becomes suspicion.
-Sometimes I drink water, just to surprise my liver.
-I don't need a hairdresser, my pillow combs my hair differently every morning.
-Why do people say "no offense" just before offending you?
-People have the right to be foolish, but some people abuse that privilege.
-God created the world, everything else is made in China.
-Don't worry if plan A fails. The alphabet has another 26 letters.
-The bank is a place that lends you money, only if you can prove that you don't need it.
-Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until they speak.
-"Revenge" sounds too aggressive, that's why I prefer to call it "return the favor".
-If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb to the top of your ego and jump towards your IQ level..
-When a woman says "what?", It is not that she has not listened to you. Is giving you a chance to change what you said.
-If your parents never had children, chances are you don't have either.
-Jellyfish have survived 500 million years as a species, surviving without a brain. This gives hope to quite a few people.
-The best things in life mess up your hair.
-Having a clear conscience means you have a bad memory.-Steven Wright.
-Don't give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.
-Working is not bad, the bad thing is having to work.-Don Ramón.
-I found a way to look thin: surround myself with fat people.
-I love you, but far my.
-If drunks ruled us, we'd have it all double.
-I wanted to give you a gift, but my wallet wouldn't let me.
-As your best friend, I will always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.
-If our smartphone falls, we cry. If our friend falls, we laugh.
-My friend, remember that without stupidity there would be no intelligence, and without ugliness there would be no beauty, so the world needs you after all.
-Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
-I'm sorry for the bad, horrible and true things that I told you.
-If people are talking bad about you behind your back, then fart yourself.
-Good friends don't let their friends do stupid things alone..
-Our friendship will last forever. You know too many details of my life.
-My life would be the same without you, but I still thank you for being my friend.
-It is difficult to find someone intelligent, attractive, sweet and who is a good friend, you must be happy to meet me.
-Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
-What do I do for a living? I breathe in and breathe out.
-Sunglasses: allow you to look at people without being caught. It's like Facebook in real life.
-When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
-If life gives you lemons, try to find someone to whom life gives vodka and have a party.
-Sexual inactivity is dangerous, produces horns.
-There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments..
-The only thing I regret in this life is not being someone else.-Woody Allen.
-I do not believe in life after death, although I will take a change of underwear.-Woody Allen.
-If you can't laugh, call me and I'll laugh at you.
-When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic.
-Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight then you're drunk.
-I've had memory problems since I was I don't know how old.
-Better late, because in the morning I sleep.
-My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then, we met.-Rodney Dangerfield.
-The day arrived. You are finally older than me. Happy Birthday!
-Congratulations! You're officially getting old!
-I can't believe you're turning 30. You only look 29!
-Like cake because it's someone's birthday somewhere.
-You get old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself..
-Congratulations! You have one year less to stop putting up with your mother-in-law.
-I wish the most beautiful and intelligent person have a great day. That's me. And for you a happy birthday.
-Time is a good doctor, but also a bad stylist Happy birthday!
-One more year one less, the important thing is that we enjoy it.Happy Birthday!
-Happy Birthday. You are so special to me, I don't need Facebook to remember it.
-You make my heart have premature ventricular contractions.
-We are the perfect couple.
-Love at first sight ends at the second.
-I don't know how to kiss, can you teach me?
-You are so sweet that from seeing you so much I think I get fat.
-Tell your mom what I say I'm dying for her to be my mother-in-law.
-Don't keep looking for your better half, look at me, you've already found her.
-I lost my bed, can you give me a space in yours?
-Rawrr! That means "I love you" in dinosaur.
-I love you forever, but I can't live that long.
-What of us was love at first laugh.
-Take good care of me, because you have competition.
-I adore my singleness, but for you I am able to leave it.
-I love you like the ducks want. How is that? Patodalalife.
-With you I feel like the happiest emoticon on WhatsApp.
-I'm glad you're away. I need my space.
-I'm sexy and I snow it.
-Almost everything in excess is bad, except me.
-My wallet is like an onion, opening it only makes me cry.
-Before I was undecided ... now I doubt it.
-Nothing is really missing, until mommy finds it either.
-It could be a person who gets up early, if the morning were after the afternoon.
-My bed didn't feel right this morning, so I stayed home to take care of it..
-I drank so much vodka last night that this morning I woke up with a Russian accent.
-A new message has reached you: Wake up lazy.
-Good morning to the beautiful and the ugly, it depends on you which group you belong to.
-Wake up, that the one who gets up early, God blesses him with dark circles and I dream all day.
-Good morning, I hope God sends you the desire to work because surely you already have sleep.
-Good morning to all who have and will have the pleasure of meeting me.
Sarcastic phrases
Woody Allen Quotes
Groucho Marx quotes
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