Formerly women were obliged to marry and have children, otherwise they would become "spinsters" and that meant a failure..
Fortunately, every day more women can enjoy or choose not to be in a relationship. While it is true that this diagnosis also affects the male universe, women are the most affected. It seems that, when approaching the limit of the biological clock (from 30 to 40), they felt a great desperation to be without a partner. The ghost of being alone or of being the spinster of the family becomes an obsession. These types of statements are based on the erroneous belief that the male gender has all biological life ahead of them, while women have a marked 'expiration' date, which may well coincide with the moment in which they are socially crossed out from "spinsters".
We know that the fear of being single is conditioned by the values, education and socio-cultural context in which a person is immersed. An individual who has achieved his development and maturity must have developed the capacity to be able to face moments of being alone, not to isolate himself, but to be able to be in solitude with harmony. Anguish occurs more in women because the cultural is very important. In Spain we are still quite conservative and this type of prejudice and ideas is more powerful here than in other societies and although we have already advanced a lot, there is a factor that has to do with the cultural code that our own family imprinted on us. from a very early age.
Like Rosita the spinster: "If you continue with that character, you will stay to dress saints when you grow up." "Of course, if you go through life like this with those ideas, no man will love you." "With that character you will be left alone in life." Even as a joke, the phrase is familiar to many women who, half jokingly and half seriously, let these ideas filter into their lives, when the expected love or relationship did not knock on their door.
Then the fear of being single appeared under its worst facade: that of "anuptaphobia".
When that feeling of loneliness contaminates all areas of my life, it is time to pay close attention to it. For example, if I go to work and I am waiting to meet someone, if I get together with friends and I feel the need to see or generate situations so that they can introduce me to someone to see what happens. That is, to be pending all the time.
Some examples of when the fear of being single appears and turns into an obsession
1. They try to conform the other in such a way that they almost disappear as persons. This causes a lack of desire in the person they are trying to conquer, or boredom..
2. They try to be perfect, self-sufficient. They believe that their own needs are weaknesses and there is nowhere to be able to share the most vulnerable aspects of the person. His maximum objective becomes, the other as a trophy that must be achieved at any cost
3. When the couple does not respond compromisingly, does not call or does it at the last minute, does not propose any activity outside the bed, does not have sexual exclusivity, they agree and justify saying that they are a bit asocial, that they do not want to pressure them and continue the relationship without setting limits.
There is a lot that can be said about "the couple" as a linking structure in itself but, throughout my experience as a coach and therapist, I have learned that there is an initial point which is the one that I would like to reflect on today in order to enter into the subject and which is summarized in answering the question: Why do I want a partner?
In the answer to this question, the elements that constitute the couple will be displayed: time, degree of maturation with the consequent capacity for self-support, affective and economic capacity and the development of sexuality..
The question posed above will have different answers throughout the life of the same individual, since it is not the same to want a partner to form a family to get away from parents, to share old age, to fulfill a social ideal, because I do not encourage myself to be alone, or as a complementary loving accompaniment.
Probably, throughout life we will find different answers and the point I wanted to make today is also to pay attention to the structure of a response that carries a very deep significance: Do I want to have a partner or do I want to be with a partner?
To be As a couple means accepting that basically I can only aspire to have myself, with all the work that this means throughout life. If the choice of partner is made from the adult being, the dependency is always, ultimately, partial. Without the other I am. I would like to be with the other more than without the other, but I will not stop being without the other, even if it costs me to think that I could live without him or that he could exist without me.
The accomplishment in the couple helps us to bear the existential helplessness, but we are better positioned to build a healthier couple if we accept that the other is there because he wants to and not because I "make it" be, just as I am because I want to and not because the other "makes me".
It's about understanding the difference between love and possession.
"To have" couple, in this sense, I would point to the possession of another to create the illusion that I will never feel alone.
"To be" as a couple aims to accept the existential loneliness that crosses us all and that we try to calm with the pleasant company of our loved one ... and the rest of the bonds that we can work to build and that constitute our personal universe.
Octavio Paz says that love is the revelation of the freedom of the other. This revelation is always painful, because the beloved presents himself simultaneously as a companion with whom to cohabit during our existence and at the same time will continue to be an impenetrable conscience, and it is that we can only aspire to possess ourselves through constant and partly illusory work.
The contradictory nature of love is that loving implies taking care of the other from my possessive impulse.
Being able to accompany myself, accept my existential loneliness, work on the ability to be alone, prepares me to accompany and allow myself to be accompanied better, without destroying or allowing myself to be destroyed in a possessive relationship.
Often in coaching sessions this great issue appears and the way we work and solve it can be through group or individual experience. Taking the step and allowing ourselves to find those answers that we have been looking for for a long time, is the beginning of a great adventure, that of knowing and learning to contact myself in order to to be together with others.
People with this fear of loneliness, they must work on their way of bonding with others and with themselves; see what happens with the fear of loss, with the desire to conform to everyone. They must take into account their self-esteem, and think of themselves as a person who does not require another to develop socially and economically. A better bond with themselves helps them not to put their well-being on someone else. A good tool is to do some coaching sessions to work these recommendations as small goals to achieve. It is exciting to accompany these processes and see how the person little by little returns to conquer the life they deserve.
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