The avoidant attachment it is one of the four types of attachment described by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. It is a pattern of relationships that forms during the first years of a person's life, and that generally continues even into adulthood. It is estimated that approximately 10% of the population presents this relational style.
Avoidant attachment is characterized by the inability to express one's own feelings, as well as a lack of understanding of them in many cases. People with this relational pattern have great difficulty forming meaningful relationships with others. Also, they generally value their independence above all else..
However, this search for independence usually responds to a lack of self-esteem on the part of the individual. Thus, he feels that he is not worthy of love or affection on the part of the rest, and therefore avoids depending on other people. Generally, he believes that only in this way can he avoid suffering when others abandon him or disappoint him.
Avoidant attachment is formed as a function of a very specific relationship between the child and his main caregiver during the first two years of life; but research shows that it tends to persist over the years. Still, it is sometimes possible to change it with enough effort and perseverance..
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As children and adults, people with an avoidant attachment style are unable to trust others. Due to their early experiences, they believe that other individuals will try to take advantage of them; and feel that opening up to others is the fastest path to suffering and emotional distress.
Thus, those who have an avoidant style often value their independence above all else. However, this far from being a reflection of a healthy personality, generally hides a significant lack of self-esteem. This problem leads these individuals to believe that they are not worthy of love or care..
People with avoidant attachment have learned that showing their needs or feelings to others does not work.
Thus, they are closed directly to the possibility of connecting with others, and they look for alternative ways of getting what they need. This often leads them to develop problems and addictions of all kinds..
The consequences of having an avoidant attachment style can be seen even in very young children. Before the age of two, the little ones who develop this way of relating behave like “little adults”. Their main strategy is not to show their emotions or needs when they are with other people..
Thus, for example, in Ainsworth's experiments, children with avoidant attachment were indifferent when their parents withdrew from them; and they did not express any joy when they returned.
Furthermore, they were often as sociable with strangers as they were with their own caretakers, something very rare in other attachment styles..
In more extreme cases, children even avoided contact with their parents, although they did so without showing anger or any other negative emotions. However, when objective measurements of their internal state were made, it was found that the little ones actually felt uncomfortable.
Thus, for example, her heart rate and skin conductivity were much higher than normal both when her caregivers left and when they returned..
Both factors are symptoms that the children really felt bad, but were hiding their emotions to avoid negative consequences from their parents.
People who form an avoidant attachment style during childhood tend to maintain it throughout their adult life as well. Because as children they learned to disconnect from their own needs and minimize the importance of their emotions, they generally avoid creating too intimate relationships with anyone..
Next we will see some of the most important consequences of the avoidance style in adult life.
As we have already seen, the avoidance style is formed when a child's needs have not been met by their primary caregivers..
Thus, the child acquires the belief that his own feelings are not important. As a consequence, he tends to suppress them and to find ways to get what he wants without depending on anyone else..
During adult life, these beliefs are maintained. The most common effect is a tendency for these people to see themselves as superior to others, and to have negative and cynical attitudes towards others.
However, this seemingly high self-esteem often hides feelings of inferiority and vulnerability..
Thus, people with an avoidant attachment react especially badly to criticism, rejection and similar situations. They generally develop a slightly narcissistic personality pattern, which is used to hide low self-esteem.
Intimate relationships are often a great source of problems for people with an avoidant attachment style. On the one hand, they feel the need to connect with other individuals and form close relationships. At the same time, however, they believe that doing so will only cause them long-term suffering..
Because of this, these individuals tend not to show themselves completely as they are when in a romantic relationship. On the contrary, they will act trying to stay in control of the situation, always trying to have more power than their partner in the interaction.
Often, people with avoidant attachment prefer to have purely sexual relationships, since these do not force them to be emotionally vulnerable.
When they finally form a romantic bond, they become overwhelmed very easily and blame their partner for asking too much of them or trying to control them excessively..
Due to their own problems, these individuals have great difficulty putting themselves in their partner's shoes. As a result, they often act in ways that may appear cruel or unsympathetic, focusing primarily on meeting their own needs..
In general, one of the greatest fears of people with avoidant attachment is that of being rejected by someone they care about. Because of this, the breakup of a romantic relationship is one of the most painful scenarios for these individuals, and one of the most efforts they use to avoid.
To achieve this, people with this relational style withdraw from their partner when they detect that he has lost some interest in them. However, because they are always looking for signs of rejection, it is very common for them to sabotage their romantic relationships themselves without realizing it..
Thus, these individuals will often act indifferently towards their partner at the slightest symptom of problems, while idealizing past relationships..
It is also frequent that they decide to break up with the other person, but that they regret it once they are alone and they return to resume the interaction, it leads to toxic relationships.
When their relationships do end, these people do not seek support from others, but rather hide their emotions, often even from themselves. Because of this, they are unable to process grief properly, and generally experience all kinds of long-term problems..
Parents of children with an avoidant attachment style tend to be emotionally unavailable to care for them. Thus, they do not respond to your attempts to get your attention, and they are unable to take care of your needs properly. In many cases, they may reject them when they show any sign of weakness, such as crying.
In response to this circumstance, the avoidant attachment child learns from a young age to suppress his natural desires to go to his parents when he is scared, sad or upset. Soon, they associate their attempts to open up to others with rejection, pain, or punishment..
In addition, they also discover that by hiding their emotions, they can at least satisfy one of their basic needs: that of staying physically close to their parents..
Because of this, they generally avoid expressing their feelings; and often develop defense mechanisms that prevent them from even being aware of them.
On the other hand, many of these children learn to fend for themselves from a very early age. Generally, they develop the belief that they can do everything without depending on anyone else; and as a result, the idea of creating a connection with other people generally seems very unappealing..
Various investigations have shown that in the vast majority of cases, people maintain the attachment style that we acquired as children throughout our lives.
However, it is also known that, with effort and a suitable plan of action, it is possible to turn avoidant attachment into a more secure one..
It is generally considered that there are two ways to achieve this: either through psychological therapy, or by maintaining a relationship with someone who already has a secure attachment. However, both processes take time, and often pose a very significant challenge..
On the other hand, it is also possible to generate secure attachment bonds using personal development strategies. In any case, changing the avoidance style to achieve more satisfying relationships is a process that, despite being very complicated, is often worth carrying out..
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