The assertiveness It is a style of communication through which a person is able to assert their rights, express their opinions and be respected, without having to resort to any type of aggressiveness to achieve it. This concept is commonly used in fields such as social skills training or emotional intelligence..
According to fields such as psychology and psychiatry, assertiveness is a skill that can be learned and trained, not an innate characteristic that only certain people possess. Thanks to this, these disciplines have been able to develop techniques and programs that help non-assertive people to improve in this area of their lives.
In contrast to a person with a passive communication style, someone assertive is able to express their opinions and rights and to be respected. However, unlike someone aggressive, they do not need to resort to violence or threats, or ignore the needs of others to achieve it..
Due to the advantages that assertiveness provides, in recent years the popularity of this style of communication has increased exponentially. Thus, there are more and more books, courses and trainings that promise to help people in need to become more assertive individuals..
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What differentiates an assertive person from another who does not have this quality? In this section we will see what are the most common characteristics of individuals who dominate this style of communication.
Perhaps the most important quality of an assertive person is that they are not afraid to speak their minds out loud. If you think you are being treated unfairly, you will fight to get what you think you deserve. If someone else thinks differently from her, she will be able to express her disagreement instead of keeping quiet.
When a person is unable to speak his mind or act against the wishes of others, he usually ends up generating great resentment towards others.
The assertive person knows this, and therefore decides not to shut up. Typically, assertive individuals fight for what they believe to be fair and true..
Contrary to what happens to people with a passive communication style, someone assertive is able to clearly differentiate between what they are willing to tolerate and what they are not.
In addition, when someone crosses any of your limits, you can also say so clearly and express your disagreement with their behavior.
On the other hand, this ability has as its counterpart the ability to understand and respect the limits of other people. Unlike what an aggressive person would do, who would assert their rights but would not respect those of others, an assertive is able to understand that what others want does not always coincide with their own wishes..
Because they know what they want, they know their limits, and they have no problem expressing their opinions and wishes, assertive people tend to be much more honest than most others. Thus, in general, when asked about something, they usually answer directly instead of trying to deceive their interlocutor..
However, this does not mean that someone assertive has to answer all the questions that are asked. If you don't want to talk about a topic, you are also perfectly capable of conveying this idea to the other person. The fact that someone is honest simply means that they will not say anything that they know for sure is false..
One of the most common traits among assertive people is a healthy level of self-esteem. In general, this characteristic emanates most of the others; and its absence is what causes a passive or aggressive communication style to be adopted.
For example, a passive person will normally not speak his mind or express his wishes because he fears losing the approval of others if he does, a feeling normally born of low self-confidence..
Something similar happens with the aggressive ones, who try to impose their criteria by force because they do not trust themselves. In contrast, an assertive person knows who he is and what he wants, and is comfortable with most aspects of his life..
Another feature that differentiates assertive people from individuals with a different communication style is their ability to make decisions and choose a path to follow. This usually helps them achieve their own goals and advance their own lives..
In addition, the fact of being able to choose what to do even in pressure situations usually makes the assertive end up adopting the role of leaders in the social groups to which they belong..
Finally, assertive people are able to distinguish between what they can and cannot control, choosing to focus only on the former. This means that they try to regulate their own behaviors, emotions and thoughts, while at the same time accepting those of others and their external circumstances..
Due to this trait, a person with an assertive communication style usually does not blame him for what happens to others or to the world..
For this reason, when they speak with others, they focus on how they feel and not on the failures of their interlocutor; and generally avoid complaints and do not tend to resent others.
Although assertive communication skills are very similar in all the situations in which they are used, experts on this topic sometimes describe several different versions of this communication style..
The most common are the following: basic assertiveness, contextual assertiveness, empathic assertiveness, and escalated assertiveness. Next we will see what each of them consists of.
As the name suggests, basic assertiveness is the simplest version of this type of communication. It is simply a matter of affirming and expressing one's rights, opinions, feelings or needs. Also knowing how to say yes or no when necessary could be considered a form of basic assertiveness.
The most common way in which this version of the assertive communication style is presented is through the use of phrases that begin with the formula "I would like ..." or other similar ones..
In this way wishes and opinions can be expressed, without the need to turn them into needs and giving space for negotiation by the interlocutor..
Some examples would be the following:
- "I would like you to tell me what happens to you when we argue instead of yelling at me".
- "I would rather go to dinner somewhere where you don't need to be dressed very elegantly".
- "I would like us to see each other more often, for example a couple of times a week".
Contextual assertiveness is the ability to let others know the effect their actions are having on us, without the need to blame or attack them..
It is a fundamental ability to resolve conflicts and to minimize fights while improving relationships with other people.
Because it is one of the most difficult parts of this communication style to master, assertiveness students are usually taught a formula that they can apply whenever they need to. It consists of four steps:
- "When you… ". Here the behavior of the other person is described without judgment, just mentioning the concrete and objective facts.
- "The effects are ...". In this second step, the interlocutor mentions what causes the other person's behavior in their own life, but without ever saying phrases such as "you make me feel" or blaming them in any way.
- "So I feel ...". The third step is to describe the emotions that the other person's behavior provokes, but again without blaming them for what happens. You need to stay as objective as possible.
- "I'd prefer… ". Finally, the other person is offered an alternative behavior that would improve the relationship if adopted..
Because it can be a bit confusing to understand the formula if it is not applied, here is a concrete example of it. In it, a person is trying to communicate to his partner how bad he feels when he demands that he be on the phone all the time to talk to her.
“When you ask me to be always on the phone to read your messages and answer you as quickly as possible, the effects are that I don't want to take it with me and I want to get away from it. I feel a bit overwhelmed when this happens; I would prefer that we only talk at certain times of the day, I think that would help me a lot to feel more comfortable ".
As you can see, with contextual assertiveness a proposal for improvement is being made, which can be accepted, rejected or negotiated by the other person..
In these contexts, it is also necessary to learn that the interlocutor may not agree with the proposed terms.
The third type of assertiveness is used to acknowledge and affirm the other person's feelings, views, or needs. Afterwards, requests are usually expressed, or one's own feelings or points of view.
Empathic assertiveness is especially important in romantic relationships. This is because the interlocutor will usually accept what is said better if he feels that he is understood and respected. It is particularly useful when one of the two people normally tends to react aggressively.
Expressions of empathic assertiveness have two parts. The first is to mention the feelings or needs of the other person, without going to value or judge them. The second is a phrase of basic assertiveness, in which you express your own wishes. An example could be the following:
“I understand that you feel pressured and don't want to talk about how you feel. However, I would feel much more comfortable if you did. ".
Normally, the use of basic assertiveness used in a friendly way will be effective in getting what we want. However, sometimes we will have to deal with people who insist on violating our rights or limits, or ignoring our preferences..
For these cases, you need to use escalated assertiveness. This consists simply of re-expressing our desires or needs more and more firmly, but without ever using aggressiveness..
For example, if someone asks us about how much we earn and we don't want to say so, a good way to use scaled assertiveness would be the following:
- Sentence 1: "I would rather not say how much money I earn".
- Sentence 2: "I know there are people who don't mind saying how much they earn, but I don't feel comfortable doing it".
- Sentence 3: "I insist that we change the subject".
It is important that you know that negativity has a limiting effect on the goals we set for ourselves. Sometimes the people who are most critical of us are ourselves. This is why it is necessary that you change some mental schemes when thinking about yourself and what you want to achieve.
Negative thoughts establish beliefs that make our capacity for effort is diminished by a continuous bath of negativity.
The idea is that every time you notice that you are thinking negatively, change the thought to a positive affirmation. For example:
Instead of thinking: "I am a bad person if I do not leave money to my friend", you can think "I have the right to decide what I want to do with my money, and to be free to lend it when I want and to whom I want".
To be more assertive, the first thing you have to do is understand yourself and develop great confidence in your own worth..
If you are not able to develop the belief that you are valuable, you will not be able to defend your rights or opinions, and it will cost you a lot to say no to others or fight for what you believe.
The second fundamental step in developing assertiveness is being able to express your thoughts, beliefs, needs and rights aloud..
Many people expect others to realize what they need or feel and to act with these factors in mind; but generally this approach is not usually effective.
Instead of sacrificing yourself so that others are happy, or keeping what you feel to yourself so as not to disturb others, start communicating what you really think or need. This will avoid many conflicts, frustrations and problems in your relationships with other people..
When in a message, we refer to the word you, the person who is talking to you may feel accused and start to get more difficult.
In order to communicate something to someone, without referring to the second person (you), you can communicate from yourself (me).
I will give you some examples:
"I would like to finish speaking without interruptions", instead of: "stop interrupting me" or "I feel uncomfortable when I can't sit at my usual work table" instead of "I don't want you to sit in my place".
One of the most important concepts for the development of assertiveness is that of radical responsibility. The idea is that each one is 100% owner of their actions, feelings and thoughts; no one can influence them if we don't allow it.
The problem with this concept is twofold. On the one hand, when adopting it we have to stop blaming others when their behavior makes us feel bad, angers us or makes us uncomfortable. On the other, we also have to accept that the rest will not always act as we would like..
Embracing the idea of radical responsibility will help you understand that you have every right in the world to express your opinions, needs, and desires; but that you cannot be angry when someone does not accept them or does not accommodate their behavior to what you would like to happen.
It is important to say what we have in mind, even when it is a negative or difficult issue to solve. However, it is even more essential to do so in a constructive and empathetic way..
Don't be afraid to fight for yourself and what you think is right when other people attack you or your rights. Sometimes it can even be helpful or positive to get angry. However, always remember to control your emotions and stay within a context of respect for others..
Finally, one of the most difficult skills to achieve within the context of assertiveness, but at the same time one of the most necessary, is the ability to say no when asked for something that we do not want to do..
Saying that it can't be extremely difficult for some people, since throughout our lives we are educated to conform and obey. However, if you don't learn how to do it, you will end up in situations that make you feel uncomfortable and cause resentment over and over again..
Therefore, practice your ability to refuse to carry out tasks that you think you do not have to do, whether at work, with your friends or family, or with your partner..
It seems absurd, but some people think that others may know what they are thinking. If you are one of those people, think that in addition to the fact that no one has the power to read minds, others are not continually expecting things from you. And if they do, it's their problem, not yours.
Just as they cannot know what you are thinking, you cannot know how they will react or what they are really expecting of you. Take advantage of this to gain confidence that you have the possibility of finding out through assertive communication.
Being assertive doesn't just mean telling others what you think, but making it clear what you want to achieve. In order to achieve your goals, you must first find out what you really want.
Thinking and visualizing your goals will give you more confidence in yourself, and more motivation when trying. The clearer you have what you want, the easier it will be to pursue and achieve your goals.
Scenario: You were meeting your girlfriend to eat at a downtown restaurant. However, when you are almost there, she writes to tell you that she is late ... again. Every time you meet, she ends up showing up 20 or 30 minutes late and has you waiting all that time.
Assertive response: “Has something unexpected happened that caused you to be late? I feel a little hurt when I have to wait for you because you are not on time. It makes me feel uncomfortable and like it's not a priority in your life. Is there anything I can do to help you solve this problem? ".
Scenario: Your boss wants you to finish some reports from a colleague, because they have been late in their delivery and you tend to work efficiently. This has already happened several times, and it doesn't seem fair to you.
Response: “This is the fourth time this month that you have given me extra work because Luis has been late. I like being able to help, but I feel stressed when I have too much to do. How can we prevent something like this from happening again in the future?.
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