Looking for our soul mate

Egbert Haynes
Looking for our soul mate

Whatever our age, our social position or our environment, most of us cherish the same dreams. Many of us continue to keep within us the "Enchanted Prince" of our childhood. We continue looking for our "Sleeping Beauty" and we want her to be our ideal woman when she wakes up. Does our soul mate really exist? Do we freely choose our partner or do we allow ourselves to be carried away by circumstances?

It seems a commonly accepted fact in our society, the need to be romantically attached to another person. Now, do we decide to join or do we just act out of inertia? Suppose the fact of joining us is the product of a thoughtful decision.

In this case, new questions arise, and above all one stands out, with whom? As we will see, the decision is sometimes not subject to established personal criteria, but depends on a series of circumstances that introduce us to the field of fortuitousness, of chance.


  • Love in other civilizations
  • Prisoners of our past
  • In search of the perfect partner
  • A very personal search
  • There is the ideal partner
  • In love with love

Love in other civilizations

The search for love is universal. All civilizations have, in this regard, their own rites and customs born of a long tradition. In the East, marriage remains a deeply rooted institution. In India, for example, it is the girl's parents who choose, from childhood, her suitor, according to his caste and social position. If love comes into play, the better; but it is not an essential factor. What matters is a socially appropriate wedding.

In Africa, the most desirable aspect of marriage is often procreation. A woman who cannot have children loses all charm and conversely, if the suitor wants to have any chance of getting the woman he wants, he must be willing to give up almost half of his cattle to his future father-in-law. Obviously, the richer the suitor, the more likely he is to get the most beautiful of girls..

In Greece, until not many years ago, it is traditionally the young woman's parents who have to offer a dowry. If the father has only daughters, it is a catastrophe. He will be totally dispossessed, ruined, having given his land and his house. The last daughter may be left without a dowry and, therefore, without hope of marriage.

If the East remains attached to its traditions, the same cannot be said of the Western countries. Customs have evolved rapidly over the past decades. Traditions are blurred in favor of a certain sexual and spiritual liberation. Although social constraints are still very strong and prejudices are deeply ingrained, love remains one of the fundamental steps in everyone's life. When we get married we do it with the hope of loving each other until the end of our days ...

But what are the factors that influence us, that make us choose one being and not another? Who do we fall in love with?

Prisoners of our past

According to a recent study on parental influence when choosing a partner, 17% of the men questioned stated that they had chosen their partner because she physically resembled their mother. An even higher proportion of men stated that the similarity of temperament between their mother and their wife had been one of the determining factors in making the choice. In the case of women, parental influence was more or less the same. On the contrary, and within the same study, 33% of men declared that they were happy precisely because their women were different from their mothers. Whatever the opinion of the people surveyed, there is a clear fact: parents have a determining influence on the choice of the future spouse.

Take, for example, the case of Pablo. He was a spoiled child, protected by his parents and who had never had any family responsibility before leaving the parental home. When he met Maria, it was her maternal and protective inclination that attracted him. He could recreate the same situation as in the family home. It could hatch safely out of its first shell, with the assurance of safely entering in a second. Their union did not last long: Pablo was no more responsible within the couple than he had been in the parental home. Maria ended up leaving her for a more responsible man.

The environment is also an important factor. Normally, we will tend to choose someone from our social environment, with the same level of education, of the same race. Thus, it will be easier for us to agree on ideas and our tastes will complement each other because our habits and our past will be the same. In this way, the partner we choose is usually a friend who has been met in a gang, a friend of any other family member, or a classmate..

In search of the perfect partner

We all have the ideal partner in mind. For example, he will be handsome, tall, intelligent, protective. She will be attractive, full of sweetness, mother and fatal woman at the same time. If we were true to our fantasies, we would all stay single. Such a perfect person does not exist. Perfectionists, who find flaws everywhere, are doomed to loneliness. They seek absolute perfection, they run tirelessly after their dream. In reality, chance plays an important role in the discovery of the partner that suits us.

Let's look at the case of Asunción, although surely we all know similar cases, where chance has played a decisive role. Asunción was going to quit her job as a judicial secretary. Three days before she left him, Daniel made his appearance, who was going to fill the position she was leaving. It was a crush.

“If he came a little later we would never have met. I'm still in awe of how the circumstances turned out for us to get to know each other. He had an enigmatic I do not know what left me totally enchanted and, right away, from the first contacts, we liked each other. After I left, we continued to see each other and now we are still together ".

Whether it is a love affair, as in the case of Asunción, or a long-considered choice, there are certain factors that predominate when choosing our partner. The first attraction must be followed by a certain compatibility. The original character of each should be beneficial to the couple. If the attraction is only sexual, the relationship usually has little chance of lasting.

Many times, we look for a complement of our own person. The protector or the very motherly girl will look for someone to protect. A being weaker than them will allow them to value themselves. The dominants will look for a submissive person, easy to control. The attraction can also be more superficial: a way of laughing, tender eyes, long, thin hands. All these stimuli (sexual attraction, complementarity, same scale of values), accompanied by endless other emotions, form something that remains a mystery: love.

A very personal search

They say, with good reason, that love is blind. Also, love transforms everything. We thought we only liked strong, athletic blondes and it turns out that we fell madly in love with a short, chubby brunette. But, it is that what we see as wonderful in someone and that others do not always see, is greatly accentuated by the love we feel towards that person. What fun it is! How crafty! What a pleasure she has to dress! As soon as the first disagreement arises, the opposite happens: Everything you say to me gets on my nerves! He thinks only of the car! What this woman can spend on clothes! In short, our personal vision of the loved one is dictated by our feelings.

When we are looking for our soul mate we always tend to project some part of our emotional needs. We want the other to dare to do what we dare not do. It is possible that it represents what we have always wanted to be. It will be our ideal, our true soul. It is possible that we want to fill someone in order to have the feeling of being useful, wanted. Love has many facets and involves many demands, all of which must be learned to recognize.

There is the ideal partner

We are all very influenced, when looking for a partner, by the audiovisual media and by romantic literature: passionate love, two extraordinary beings, a context worthy of the best films.

It is difficult to see clearly and resist this idealized vision of love that comes to us through the media. On television, advertisements for products for women show us breathtaking “alpha males”, of course, carefully chosen, who cannot resist the attraction of the perfume on duty and fall in love with a non-“female” less beautiful. All this contributes to forming in us an image of the ideal partner, both romantic and sexually irresistible..

So what attracts us, in principle, is an image. We see in the other a reflection of our personality. Physical or sexual attraction is also accompanied by a variety of complex emotions. What is it that attracts us? The answer varies from one person to another, but there are certain traits common to everyone: these are stereotypes. Men will be attracted to a sensual mouth, beautiful legs, a slightly provocative appearance. Women will be drawn to the man's security, his masculinity, his professional success. The truth is that, in recent years, these stereotypes have been transformed. Now, there are many women who appreciate a man giving sensitivity tests, showing qualities that until now were believed to be reserved for women. Men, for their part, are beginning to recognize the value of a dynamic woman, capable of making decisions.

The initial attraction will be transformed as the two people become known. Investigating the personality of the other, for example after a night spent together, we will discover little little the background of the admired person. It is possible that after inquiring, it is less attractive to us. Love may grow little by little. In the latter case, the person in question will suddenly have all the qualities in the world. However, despite all the studies done on the phenomenon of love and sexual attraction, it is impossible to generalize. The expression is very beautiful: to fall in love. We lose control of our emotions, we go through a variety of delicious ordeals. It is difficult to analyze a phenomenon of this type: each person reacts in a different way.

In love with love

Love is as old as the world. It is both physical and spiritual. If the couple does not have sexual relations, the love turns into a deep friendship or fades away little by little. If the couple does not communicate more than on a sexual level, the relationship will often be empty and superficial, since the two people cannot develop truly deep bonds of union..

From the beginning of adolescence, falling in love becomes one of our fundamental life goals. We live in a society that revolves around the couple. Furthermore, it is almost considered abnormal, or at least suspicious, that someone remains alone for too long. Thus, many times the fact of having found a partner is as important, or more, than the same partner.

But once started, the relationship must go further. The attraction deepens and love can develop in a very different way depending on each circumstance. In the best case, one breaks his psychological barriers, becomes uninhibited and lets himself be known as he is. It is the originality of each one that attracts the other person. A little delicacy is enough to keep your partner's interest, adapt to their tastes and reactions..

Something very normal is being attracted to a stereotype of beauty. But it is important to recognize it and consider the couple for what they are and not for their image or for what we would like them to be..

The sexual attraction, the romantic idyll, the overflowing passion, all this is temporary. True love rests on deep understanding. When we look for our soul mate, it is important that we be ourselves, since what attracts the other is what we project. Being honest we have all the possibilities to create a stable relationship that fulfills our life.

It may interest you: How to know if you have chosen your partner well for a lasting relationship

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