We know that any type of grief towards a loved one is a painful process. But what happens when we talk about the loss during the development of a pregnancy? What happens when we lose a child?
In this case, it is what we call a perinatal grief. A much more frequent and frequent phenomenon than we think, which, every time, is given all the importance that it really has. Since, for a long time, it has been one of the most naturalized duels, to say the least, which was not given the character it deserves.
Perinatal grief is the loss of the baby that occurs during pregnancy, before or after delivery..
Perinatal grief is one of the most complicated griefs since, we are faced with an excessively short space-time, in which we collide with life and death simultaneously. Two of the most antagonistic and important moments of life, in which both extremes become evident.
When we are faced with this type of loss we have to take into account that we find several factors at a synchronous level.
On the one hand, there are the same emotions of sadness and feelings of pain and loss as in any other type of grieving process. But, on the other hand, we are faced with other large losses inherently.
These are different grieving processes, since we must also face the loss of the moment of being a father or mother along with the roles that they generate, especially in the case of being the first child. On the other hand, we are facing the loss of confidence in relation to the moment of the pregnancy and the delivery and, furthermore, being a subject that, even today, is considered as taboo, the loss of the right to mention can be felt, it is worth redundancy, that same loss.
In these cases, it is very important to respect and give (yourself) permission to feel these different losses within the perinatal grief. That is, it is vital to be able to attend and recognize the need for pain and allow it.
As we have commented, perinatal grief consists of a moment in which life and death are connected in a short space, both vital processes being very close. And, it should be noted, that another of its characteristics is the void that it leaves on someone so important to parents, mainly, and relatives.
In the face of any type of loss, we find different phases of grief, but, in this case, it is even more fundamental to respect these phases, listen to ourselves and try to face each period in the best possible way..
The phases that parents usually go through in these cases, according to López (2011) are:
First, shock and numbness, lightheadedness, and functional difficulty are experienced; all accompanied by feelings of yearning.
In this phase, the pain is deep and very intense. First, a phase of denial is entered accompanied by emotional and sentimental shock, being a protective mask in the form of disbelief since our mind creates a defense mechanism to be able to digest a tremendously harsh and unexpected reality, since, on a biological level our mind is not prepared for such news.
This phase is later accompanied by a great anger and rage in which the situation is totally unfair to the parents and a culprit needs to be found.
Second, the disorientation and disorganization of everyday life. This goes hand in hand with feeling empty and helpless.
In this phase, the sadness and feeling of emptiness plays a leading role. A period in which both parents will need a time of solitude, introspection and being able to face all those emotions that arise intensely.
Finally, a reorganization is achieved in which life is rebuilt and the capacity for enjoyment is recovered, but without forgetting.
Finally, we enter the acceptance phase. In this case, it would lead to the cclosing of the duel.
It consists of assuming the loss allowing yourself the opportunity to survive the grief despite the absence of the baby. It is also a complicated period in which assimilation and acceptance must go hand in hand.
Here understanding and communication both as a couple and for the closest family is vital. There must be spaces in which to express all the emotions and all the pain experienced.
The social support, in this case it is essential. Since, the people who suffer or have suffered this grief can present different disabling factors both emotionally and having an environment that tends to minimize pain.
Therefore, we must take into account both family and social support. Many of the people who are living or have experienced a duel of this type, usually find different phrases and comments from their environment that, nothing is further from the intention, increase the suffering, invalidate the emotions and all the pain of the parents.
They are usually phrases like:
"You will have another baby"
"You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you to try again"
"This happens more than you think, you will get pregnant again"
And so, endless comments in which, unconsciously they seek to appease and calm the pain, but, after these types of phrases, what is done is completely minimize your entire pain process and mourning downplaying a fact that causes a lot of suffering and sadness.
In this case, the medical equipment who was present at the time of death should also be an important support. Above all, the way the whole experience was handled.
Mainly, it is important to find a healthcare environment with empathy, active listening, support, support and, above all, sensitivity to this type of news. Essentially, in the first stage of grief mentioned above.
On the other hand, we are also faced with the handicap in perinatal grief when couples have different mourning rhythms. For this reason, it is also important to understand that each person has their own rhythm and carries out the process in the best way they can..
Although it is the same type of loss between a father and a mother, they are still different people who will experience the process at probably different rates. Communication and being able to express pain, in this case, is essential, as we have commented.
In this case, it is very important that each person choose what to do and what not to do. There are different ways and means to be able to validate the memories and allow a suitable duel for these cases.
One of these ways is power create a box in which all the memories can be collected that have been part of the baby. They can be from ultrasounds, special objects that remember the child, blankets, stuffed animals or any symbolic object that represents the baby for the parents.
In this way, a place, a memory and a space are created where they can go to travel and comfort the pain and loss.
Another way in which to deal with this duel is to perform a farewell ritual, whatever the circumstance of the loss. A kind of ritual or symbolic act can be carried out to say goodbye.
Each couple or person can choose the one they think is most convenient and most meaningful to him or her. One of the ways can be by planting a small tree in a special place..
The important thing is that people who are suffering this type of grief can listen to themselves and see what is best for each person and see what they need to be able to face their pain in the best possible way..
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