One of the most painful and important events in a couple's separation or divorce process is telling children that their parents are going to end their cohabitation. Here the marital problem goes beyond the union or disunity of the couple, since it affects loved ones, breaking the existing balance until that moment. Telling children that one form of family coexistence ends and another begins is not an easy task.
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Announcing a divorce or separation is a bomb that should not be thrown lightly, or until it is totally final, so as not to create feelings of discomfort and uncertainty for free. Once it is a fact, let's try to speak it as sincerely but calmly as possible, explaining it as a process whose purpose will be to improve the coexistence between the parents, but that both will continue to love them the same as children. This establishes an appropriate boundary around the marital problem and maintains the emotional distance of the conflict with children, to avoid that they are in the middle or even feel guilty.
This will be one of the last activities (or perhaps the last) that is carried out as a family as it has been done until now. That is why it is important to bring all the members together and talk to them equally. Also think that this will be just an "announcement", therefore it is not the time to explain or blame anyone. We can talk about what will happen from now on: who will leave the marital home, how long will they be with the father and how long with the mother, etc. At this point it is worth offering the children some reassuring phrases such as: "We both love you" and "we are going to work together as best we can so that you are well". Do not speak like you or me, but like us, this will help them feel more serene in the face of the changes that are coming..
Allow children to let their feelings flow. Accompany them with any response they offer, even if it is a minor or perhaps disconcerting reaction. This announcement marks the beginning of their "duel" and all the duels are different and in different time frames. One of the challenges of divorce is dealing with the fact that the emotional process of various family members may be out of sync. When we are faced with feelings that are too strong, it can be difficult to connect with a family member who processes their grief differently..
Do not let the announcement of the separation drag on too long in the hope that everything will end well. Tolerates that it ends without an emotional resolution, since it may take a while to arrive, it is an internal process that each child must carry out. End the meeting when the main thing is already said and then you can attend to the demands even more individually if you have several children.
This could be considered to be the beginning of the new relationship between parents and children, their relationship after the divorce with their child. This can make you uncomfortable at first, as established routines in family life need to be fully adjusted. We must realize that each parent will now have to find their own way of talking and relating to their child. This will probably involve a new way of interaction, we must listen and appreciate, be patient and firm, giving space to reconnect with each one separately..
While this new parent-child relationship may take a long time to rebalance, certain things can be done from scratch, such as:
Throughout the divorce process, as well as during the adjustment period after it, we must attend to the emotional needs of our children. Let us be interested in how they are, but without constantly insisting. Let them know that we are there for what they need, but that we are not going to overwhelm them. Most children, especially teenagers, prefer to talk to their friends, let's respect this approach and give them space to overcome it in their own way.
Children, over time, may wish to resolve certain issues that they did not understand at first by asking questions, and for this reason they may return to these issues as they grow older. A seven-year-old will have certain questions; But when he is 15, he may have new questions; And when you are a young adult, you may have still other questions. Accept this questioning as part of your child's learning about life. Listen carefully, take an interest in the concerns that have given rise to your questions, and resolve your doubts according to your needs. Your answer is not always as important as your freedom to ask questions and reach your own conclusions..
Finally, we must keep in mind that children will try to resolve the divorce "within themselves." They will identify with both parents and try to combine these identifications according to their own evolving personality, in an attempt to "reconnect" what is apparently separate after the divorce. We must respect and support this process, especially by being able to recognize that we ourselves do something similar after separating: trying to balance our own personality by claiming and integrating some of the traits and roles that the spouse carried out during marriage.
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