How to talk about sex with our teenage children

Contents

• The awakening of sexuality in adolescence
• The difficulties of talking about sexuality
• Sexuality and educational style
  • Love and sex are feelings in the purest sense of the word
• Guidelines for discussing sexuality with a teenager
  • Bibliography

The awakening of sexuality in adolescence

Adolescence is an age in which sex takes on a totally different meaning from childhood.

What used to be in the field of theory is now practical. Menstruation in the abstract is something, decisions about whether to use pads or tampax is another. Dealing with semen stained sheets is not easy. Explaining how a child is conceived or born is very different from knowing (or fearing) that our 16-year-old daughter is sexually active. Talking about kissing, caressing and even making love touches the world of decision-making.

It may interest you: Love in adolescence, a guide for parents

The difficulties of talking about sexuality

Many of us find it difficult to see ourselves talking about these issues with our teenage son or daughter. Some because of insecurities, others because we are sure that our children will not accept a conversation about these topics with us. Teen boys and girls deserve and value information and, most importantly, conversations with parents. But they don't always make it easy for us.

It is good that they know how we think about sexuality. Defining our own ideas about sex will allow us to communicate our convictions to our children in simple and direct terms. Being able to put words to our ideas on this topic will help us put them in order and allow us to teach clearly, responding constructively to the conflicting questions that children frequently ask us. Managing conflict throughout our history together will give us a style of dealing with disagreements over sexuality. Let's not forget that adolescence is a time where disagreements are very present.

On the other hand, it does not matter so much if the conversation is with the father or the mother, what does matter is that the conversation is done. To achieve the expected dialogue, it is important that he or she know what we would like to talk about in particular ..., then be patient, know how to wait, not lose a sense of humor and not give up. It also helps to remember that this is an age when our children make increasingly difficult decisions (who is right my parents or friends? What will my friends think if I am not like them?). It is a complex issue for parents, but also for children.

Sexuality and educational style

Sexuality, like any other issue related to the development of children, is closely linked to the educational style of the family. We will love according to how we have felt loved. The expression of intimacy involves teaching a child to show his feelings, accustom him to put them in his name: anger, pain, desire ..., to know how to identify emotions and, in this, parents are and have been significant models. Our goal should be to teach them that feelings are part of the information that goes into any interpersonal decision..

Love and sex are feelings in the purest sense of the word

When she gets older, the things that worry her are more difficult to deal with. Talking about sex with a teenager is not easy, we know that. Often, they close in band and prefer to answer questions with friends. But we must be by his side at this important moment and make him understand that not all the forest is oregano.

Guidelines for discussing sexuality with a teenager

• Sexuality is positive and so you can make him see it. If the first thing you say is "don't do it!", The disconnection is guaranteed.
• Boys need attention too. It is easier to talk about sex with girls since the arrival of menstruation makes the path easier. With boys, however, it can be somewhat violent to deal with topics such as erotic dreams or first ejaculations. But you have to face it as something natural.
• Explain everything point by point. Explain that sexual attraction is gradual: it begins with a smile, continues with kisses, then comes the touching and everything culminates with the relationship itself..
• Boys and girls need different instructions. In the case of consent, for example, girls have to learn to say no, while boys must be warned of the danger of consenting..
• Listen to them carefully. Each era has a jargon and its insurance that is different from what you used. The more you learn it, the more you will know where to start.
• Make the dangers of oral sex clear. Oral sex is often seen as a safe thing that, in addition, allows you not to lose your virginity. The dangers of disease transmission that this practice can cause must be explained.
• Make a list to help make decisions. Talk about basic issues: love, the pressure that your partner and friends can exert, the influence of alcohol and drugs, ... this will be a good time to talk about values: when and why one makes the decision to have relationships.
• Talk about the emotional consequences of sex. Sex makes us more vulnerable, emotionally speaking, broken hearts do more damage if there has been one ...
• Father and mother are just as important. Each one contributes their point of view. Only mothers can explain the mystery of women to their sons and fathers can explain masculine behavior to their daughters.
• Use all the tools you have at your fingertips. Television, movies, the press can give a lot of useful information. Anything can be a good excuse to talk about sex.

Bibliography

Almendro Cezón, Montserrat (2007): How to talk with children about sex. Madrid: Editorial CCS.

Fourgnaud, Agathe (2006): Young people and sex. Bilbao: Messenger Editions.

Pellegrini, R., Veglia, F. (2007): Once upon a time, the first time: how to talk about sex and love in family and at school. Barcelona: Editorial Graó.

Gemma Lienas. Carlota's red diary

Andreu Martin, Jaume Ribera: Flanagan's Red Diary