How to mediate between two people and avoid triangulation

Has it ever happened to you that your mother tells you about a problem she has with a brother of yours instead of talking about it with him or her directly??

Or maybe you yourselves have a little problem with a brother-in-law and you tell a sister asking for discretion.

This has a name in family therapy, it's called triangulation (Salvador Minuchin)

Triangulation occurs when two people are in conflict, open or covert, but instead of talking about it and solving it, they bring in a third party and seek alliances or support that generate a strong conflict of allegiances.

For example: one day you go home and your mother, quite sad, tells you: -your sister won't let me see the children, she never has time to come see me, I don't know what I've done to her, they are my grandchildren ...

It saddens you to see your mother like this, and you don't understand your sister, you still try to give your mother some advice, "Talk to her" "be patient, a little later ..." etc.

Your mother asks you to please not tell your sister, who will see how she solves it, but time passes and you realize that things remain the same. You see your mother badly, worried and you start to get angry with your sister for being so inconsiderate and not realizing the problem.

What can you do about something like this?

• You are still silently angry with your sister with the consequent consequences in the bond with her.

• You decide to talk to your sister about the problem. It is somewhat violent but there is trust, so you ask him to go see your mother. You explain that you do not see your mother as young as before, she is alone ... yes, you do not tell her that your mother has ranted against her.

• You find that your sister has another view of the problem (We see her a lot, one weekend with one of my husband's family, another with mine and another alone) and no matter how hard you try to make her understand, there is no way because you cannot tell her that it is your mother who is complaining all the time. time and your sister thinks it's your point of view.

Or you can be yourself. You are overwhelmed because your brother-in-law has asked you several times for the car. It bothers you that he takes it for granted and doesn't consider your plans. Instead of talking about it with him, you tell another brother, who is probably going to feel bad about what he's going through..

In order not to triangulate, it is very important to be humble. We cannot and should not solve the problems of others. We must admit that we are all adults and we must make our own decisions.

Returning to the problem with our mother we can do two things:

• Listen to mom but make it clear that she has to talk about this with your sister, and take advantage of any time when we are all to bring up the subject: -Sister, mom tells me that she is super tired ... .

• Or let her talk and vent and think that she is an adult and that she must solve the problem. If you ask us for help and we can, we will, but not forming invisible alliances.

We must make it clear that we are not going to enter these games. A open and honest communication will help us improve dynamics of family relationships and everyone will be clear that they cannot count on us to talk about a third party.