If during childhood children are provided with a good enough environment, in which affection and care predominate, they can develop properly, since they feel that they are in a safe environment, in which their parents will protect them no matter what happens. . In this context, they express themselves authentically, trusting unconditionally in their close people and in the world around them. Children show their abilities and also their weaknesses, they do not hide anything, they are genuine and in their essence they are good.
As they grow, they gain autonomy, which implies that the parents are no longer there to always take the chestnuts out of the fire. They face their first frustrations and at some point along the way the first injuries occur. When the person goes out into the world alone, they create friendships, fall in love, face academic / professional challenges and inevitably come across people who hurt them while living. The wound can be more or less deep depending on variables such as the nature of the relationship (is it your partner, your best friend, or is it a boss?), Your personal resources or the social support you have to recover.
The first emotional blows connect the person with a hitherto unknown pain. For a long time, he had been bare-chested, trusting the world as a safe place where no one, or at least no one he loved, would harm him. I believed that in life there would always be justice "If I don't deserve that they do that to me, it won't happen to me". But as you go through experiences you see that sometimes they hurt you without you understanding why and that there may even be people who break your heart.
So after experiencing that pain you try to avoid it at all costs, because it is not something you want to relive. Depending on how the pain has been managed and how the wound has healed (did you live your pain in silence or did you express it, allowing yourself to be helped by your environment?), More or less rigid defense mechanisms are established, whose objective is to protect the person to suffer again. Defenses are like an armor that people put themselves to prevent others from hurting them: they close in their relationships; they do not show everything they are, but only what is socially accepted; distrust as a rule, and even attack others before they can harm them (or eat or eat me).
Defenses are useful when you live in hostile conditions or in harmful contexts, but they lose all their effectiveness when your environment is neutral or positive, when you are surrounded by people who do not want to hurt you., but you are the one who sees threats where there are none. The armor protects you from blows, but it also prevents you from feeling the good, feeling the human warmth. And it is that wearing an armor when you are no longer on the battlefield does not make much sense.
But there are people who, after having suffered, are always alert, they feel that what happened to them will happen again at any moment and they become blind to their current reality. For example, after a painful breakup they do not open up completely to a partner; after being bullied they don't trust new friends; or due to a job failure they do not go out of their comfort zone again.
The problem is that defenses, far from protecting you, isolate you and separate you from who you really are. You really protect yourself if you respect yourself, allowing yourself to be yourself and for this it is necessary to risk even if there are no guarantees that you will not suffer again. Risking is showing your strengths and vulnerabilities by being guided by your values and principles. It is based on directing you towards what really makes you feel happy and that if you scratch inside yourself it is usually simple, but important things: being close to your family, helping the people you care about; laugh, have authentic and sincere conversations, feel fulfilled at work, travel, create your own family, etc..
We live in an individualistic society, which encourages competitiveness in all its areas. What happens is that our relationships are not a game in which you have to win but, if anything, one that you have to enjoy. The competition must be reduced to those areas that require it, because if you always go against someone you cannot be with him and it is in the true encounter, where one can afford to take off the armor and be oneself.
Good people are those whose values and principles are based on respect and love.. They are people who enjoy seeing others well and if at some point feelings conditioned by fear appear, (for example: envy, based on the fear that the other is better than you and that therefore you are worth nothing) , accept them without letting them determine their actions.
They manage their irrational feelings of fear without trampling on the other. Good people trust others and always look at their good parts, because we all have them. They usually decide to be there for the other, to help and support them when they need it, even if they have to change plans or even cause them some discomfort. They do it because being with the other and seeing him well is worth it.
However, being a good person does not imply being perfect. It is often believed that to be a good person you must always satisfy everyone, but it is not about giving yourself indiscriminately, since there will be people who do not respect you and therefore do not deserve that delivery from you. Also, one can make mistakes and even do harm, because he is human. Sometimes setting limits implies that the other suffers, (when their needs are opposed to yours), because if you do not do it, you do not respect yourself.
Other times, we hurt others because we get carried away by our fears and insecurities. The good news is that, as adults, we have the ability to reflect, which implies that if we regret something we can ask for forgiveness and change our attitude in the future (for example: if you become aware that out of fear of feeling undervalued in your work boycott your partner, you can stop). We have the freedom to decide about our behavior.
If you relate from your defenses, it is not you. Others will love or hate a tin person, but not the real person behind it. If the real person connects with his essence and is guided by what fills his heart, by what really makes him feel good, he usually does things for others, he usually looks for the healthy bond that accepts vulnerability and strength . He is usually a good person.
The best person I have ever met smiled and treated everyone first. The little things were the ones that made him happiest, his loud laugh at any after-dinner table was the best example of this. She was clear in her convictions, setting limits when something did not seem right, but she was also loyal to those she loved, accompanying them and helping them in whatever way she could..
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