Is it difficult for you to trust your partner and do you want to stop being jealous? Are you jealous often? Don't you like seeing your partner talk to others? If so, it would be good for you to learn how to overcome jealousy, since it is one of the problems that can most spoil relationships and your quality of life.
Next I will explain the keys you have to know to handle them, avoid them and have a healthy relationship again without unnecessary conflicts. Having some jealousy is normal, but obsession, partner vigilance, and passive-aggressive behaviors will make you and your partner feel bad..
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There is still controversy among scientists as to whether we are jealous of our socialization in a given culture or by evolution. However, it seems that evolutionary theory has more adherents and actually makes a lot of sense..
According to evolutionary psychologists, jealousy began to evolve over a million years ago. Men had to take care that their wives did not go with others to avoid losing them or having to feed a child that was not theirs.
On the other hand, women had to worry that their men did not go with other women, since they provided them with resources. Even less when they were pregnant, a situation of great risk.
As researcher Gary Brase from the University of Sunderland puts it:
“Men cannot be sure if the child the couple is expecting is theirs, in this way jealousy arises as a way to protect genetic inheritance. It is important for the male to prevent the female from having sex with other males because in this way it is ensured that the offspring is only his. Women, on the other hand, invest a lot of time and energy in pregnancy, childbirth and child care, for them it is necessary to prevent the couple from falling in love with another and leaving her alone with her children. "
Therefore, it is normal to be jealous, although to a certain intensity and without harming others; what is not normal is that this jealousy interfere in your relationships, that you try control others or what lower your quality of life and well-being.
When I refer to jealous people, being jealous and how to handle it during the article, I will refer to pathological jealousy. Pathological jealousy is experienced by people who behave in a tyrannical, controlling or dominating way and who are unaware of their actions on others.
It is what is known as celotypical people. If you think you meet any of these characteristics, you should take action to overcome it; We are no longer in prehistory and we are more civilized people;). On the other hand, being very jealous is not proof that your partner loves you..
A competent and confident person is incapable of being jealous in anything. Jealousy is a symptom of insecurity.-Robert A. Heinlein.
Some symptoms that you experience negative jealousy:
The goal you must pursue is to be aware of that jealousy and feel it at the minimum level. If you have recurring negative thoughts (for example "where is he" "is he fooling around with that girl / that boy") just let them pass without reacting impulsively, feeling bad or hurting others.
The main thoughts that create jealousy reactions come from a negative self-image. To correct that low self-esteem and insecurity, it is not necessary to completely change as people, but to change that false image about yourself..
It is not enough that you are aware of your thoughts, but that you are able to observe them, know how they affect your reactions and finally, change them.
In this sense, I advise you to read this article on how to raise self-esteem. In the comment the most important aspects to increase self-esteem; do not seek approval, silence the critical voice, self-affirmations, accept oneself, etc..
Normally we have a perception of what we are and another of what we would like to be. This image of ourselves is closely related to emotional security and self-esteem..
The problem with low self-esteem is that the perception of what we are is very negative and unrealistic. Furthermore, that perception is very far from what we would like to be. On the other hand, the image of what we would like to be is too perfectionist.
Example with a boy named Pedro:
-Personal image: Pedro sees himself as someone who is not valuable enough, without success, who has to seek the approval of others and that others are better than him.
-Ideal or perfect image: Pedro sees the ideal person as someone who is accepted by others, approved by others, paid attention to, physically attractive, etc. It is the image you pursue and what you would like to be.
Because your personal image does not match your ideal image, the critical voice arises, judging you and resulting in low self-esteem..
What does this have to do with jealousy? Well, there would be situations like a woman or a man seek the attention of their partner (and others in general) to fit the ideal image.
By getting that attention from your partner, negative self-image is avoided and the image of perfection is fulfilled. However, if the partner does not pay attention to it, negative feelings of failure and jealousy arise..
To improve self-concept / personal image, follow these steps:
1) Pay attention to the statements that the critical voice tells you
2) Identify the statements that your critical voice usually says
Example: "I'm worthless", "if you don't pay attention to me, you don't like me".
3) Change that negative self-concept to a positive one.
Example: "I am a valuable person and I don't need to prove it", "I don't need anyone's attention".
Some traits of a person with a good self-concept, healthy and with good self-esteem: independent, autonomous, does not need approval, respects himself, does not value himself based on external achievements, has a sense of humor, does not usually feel anger for being against the opinions of others.
A very common belief among young couples is to believe that their partner belongs to them. However, the other person is independent, he belongs to himself. Your partner does not belong to you, it is simply someone with whom you share part of your life.
With new beliefs you will have new points of view and with these you will have new emotions and behaviors. When you learn to see situations from another point of view, you will avoid the recurrence of negative thoughts and emotions.
To do this, you must be especially aware of what you think when you start to feel jealous. When you have clarity of thought, you will have more control over your reactions..
To end those negative emotions of jealousy or hatred, you will need to identify your core beliefs about dating relationships or the specific relationship with your partner. It can be explained like this:
Core belief (“men lie”)> situational thinking (“he's lying to me, he won't go out alone with his friends”)> reaction (jealousy, arguments).
Therefore:
1)Pay attention to your thoughts and be aware of them. What are you thinking when you feel jealous? I recommend that you learn about mindfulness.
two)Identify core beliefs that produce negative emotional reactions.
For example:
What beliefs do you have to believe that when your boyfriend goes out with his friends, he goes with other women? It could be that you have had bad experiences and think "that all men do those things." This core belief could cause you to have thoughts like "he says he's going out with his friends and he's actually going out with a woman.".
3)Change core beliefs and thoughts.
To change a core belief, you need to question it. For example, “How do I know that all men cheat on women??
All beliefs are simply starting points from which we represent reality and do not have to be real. Having the belief that all women or men are unfaithful can be as real as that all men or women are faithful.
For example:
"People lie a lot and they don't care about hurting others"
You can change it to:
"Although some people have hurt me, most are good people and I can trust them".
Although you have a project in common, you and your partner are two different people; Ideally, you have your own projects, your own friends, activities to do on your own, without your partner..
This is very important, to build your emotional independence and have a life of your own. If you share everything with your partner, all the activities of your life, you will be merged and that is not good for the well-being of the relationship.
The rules will help communicate to your partner what really bothers you and what makes you feel bad. Logically the "rules" are established between the two members of the couple.
Examples of rules can be:
This is done more for the well-being of the partner than for jealousy. However, it will also indirectly help jealousy.
Of course, they should be rules that respect the other person, while helping you feel better, improving the relationship. A bad rule that does not respect the other person would be "do not go out with friends" or "do not use social networks / whatsapp".
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