When a person falls in love, they do not consciously choose it. Feel. He does not think. Sometimes there may be logical reasons and arguments for that feeling and sometimes it just seems totally irrational. That's why when a person falls in love, one way or another expects to be reciprocated.
Nobody chooses consciously a love in which you feel that you are going to suffer. And let's not kid ourselves, an unrequited love brings suffering.
But the catch here is in the "consciously"; and I'm going to explain why:
Have you ever met someone who repeats the same type of couples? You know, toxic couples, or unfaithful couples, or uncommitted couples, or absorbent or not caring or so on..
Perhaps you have even known him… intimately? In fact, feel unrequited love it can be in certain cases a pattern or a profile as well.
We are consciously attracted to people with certain attributes, psychological and physical. However, there are some aspects that have more force, and these are the aspects of the subconscious, of that part of us that we are not even aware that it is there.
For example, I remember a client who always attracted women in need of psychological help in a way, and several of them were unfaithful to him. He kept repeating patterns until he realized that his role was to protect (it was not by chance that he was testing to be a firefighter).
And since that was a role that he himself needed, he inadvertently attracted women who needed such protection, emotionally weak women, with major psycho-emotional difficulties, some with suicide attempts even.
Realizing this was crucial because it allowed him to make a internal transformation process where he too could feel cared for, where he too could receive and not just give. Today I know that he is happily married to a woman who loves him deeply..
I have also had clients fall in love with married people. We know that currently the marriage vow is not exempt from extramarital relations (it was not before), but falling in love precisely on several occasions with married people does not stop being synchronous or causal (not accidental). It doesn't matter if you have a relationship with that person or you don't and it is an idyllic relationship. I call these Impossible loves.
Why does a person repeatedly fall in love with "impossible" people?
Unrequited love is something like that.
For me there are two types of unrequited love.
The second type of love becomes more confusing, because the person in love has in a certain way a positive feedback. Sometimes the other person is sincere and tells you that there will never be anything beyond.
But most of the time he doesn't clearly state his intentions to you (sometimes out of his own interest, sometimes he doesn't even know it). This makes the person in love's hook much greater. Greater attachment, greater emotional attachment, longer waiting time.
Love is not practical. Love itself is romantic. Therefore, getting rid of a feeling is not something trivial and inconsequential. It is expensive. Although it is also true that love is idealized in many aspects and sometimes wanting to get rid of that feeling can pose certain obstacles
People expect the other to change. That your feeling changes, that you realize who he / she really is, that you change the way you see him / her. Anyway, something changes. And in that sweet and eternal wait, the truth is that you don't have to face reality. They don't have to face the world. They do not have to face themselves, to understand their need for recognition from others.
People feel good about their mental idealization of the situation, but they feel insecure when it comes to moving forward in reality. Either really express what they feel (sometimes they remain silent in a languid and romantic feeling), or accept that what they want so badly will never take place..
Denial is a state that links the two previous points. Denial prevents one from accepting. And one of my favorite sayings for its forcefulness and realism is "What you resist persists, what you accept transforms you." When one begins to accept the situation, something begins to transform inside.
Have a recurring mind, that recalls, affects, and reiterates certain aspects of fantasy or reality of the supposed relationship, is something that clearly hinders get over an unrequited love. If you are thinking about something for a large part of your day, it is normal that it becomes increasingly difficult for you to stop thinking about it..
Also, for every thought we have about something, or in this case someone, neural connections are created, and thus the conditioning is generated.
For example: does every time you hear a song remind you of someone? Your mind has done a conditioning. Do you feel happier every time you drink chocolate? Your mind has done a conditioning. It is an association between two elements, they do not always have to be healthy or optimal for you. Just your mind has connected something.
Why is this happening?
Your mind, and especially your reptilian system, has one goal: your survival. It does this in two ways:
Simple. Easy. Or at least it should be. What happens is that sometimes the information your mind receives is somewhat confusing. If you are telling your mind that that person is the love of your life (and you cannot live without the love of your life because this would make you unhappy) your mind will grab on to that person, giving you reasoning, arguments, justifications for the actions of the other.
Example: "that look means that he cares about me", "he tells me that there will be nothing but deep down he sure feels the same as me" ...
Then there is the concept of correspondence. When you have a crush and it is reciprocated, you feel invincible. You feel full of value, high self-esteem, you feel important, like the story of Narcissus, one falls in love with himself in the eyes of the other.
When this love is unrequited, This is clearly linked to a lack of personal courage, self-esteem, and confidence. Let me explain better: we have already seen that one falls in love subconsciously based on their own needs.
Therefore, what value are you giving yourself if you really fall in love with someone who ignores you? You can tell me “Hey! That I didn't know what would happen to me! " and it's true but ... your subconscious does. Although this would give for another article.
1. Make a list of all your loves and / or relationships, whether real or unrequited. See if there are any common denominators. Maybe you fall in love with "impossible loves"?
2. The love that you don't get from the other person is a love you need to give to yourself first. Many people come to my office eager to find their “soul mate”. The work we do is always from the inside out.
Loving yourself, appreciating yourself, accepting yourself, you begin to change (not the other person), and you stop sending a signal of need or emotional lack. By feeling yourself fully, the signal you send to your surroundings (like a radio signal) also changes. This attracts more committed people to you, just like you have done to yourself in the first place..
Sometimes people adopt roles based on their ideal. I remember a woman who realized that she cried with certain kinds of movies all the time.
They all spoke of a strong and independent protagonist who gives and gives but ends up alone (Stay by my side, Thelma and Louise, Sophie's decision, It's not so easy…). She was living her life just like the female lead in her favorite movies! So he decided to stop watching dramas with these protagonists to start writing his own life script..
3. Take note of which movies you choose to watch and which archetype the hero or heroine embodies, And then ask yourself: What kind of movie am I starring in right now? Is it a drama or an adventure movie? A musical or a comedy? An inspiring saga or film with a positive message? What kind of movie do I want to star in? What qualities must the main character of that movie have?
4. Dedicate yourself to doing new activities, especially in the social aspect. Meet other people. Maybe you have no intention of going further ... nothing happens, it is not the goal. When your brain performs new activities, it creates different neural connections, this reduces the associations of the past. It is as if the new images of your life are put in color while those of the past little by little go to black and white, taking distance.
5. Commit to yourself. You can write yourself a letter in which you make this commitment with yourself and with what you deserve. Merit is a very important aspect in life and in relationships especially.
You deserve a happy life. A life with a reciprocated love. You deserve that "that someone" see your light shine. That will not happen if you are not the first person to be appreciated, respected and loved.
In fact, take note: "You will never find a partner who loves you more than you love yourself." Relationships are mirrors that show us aspects to work on, whether we want to see them or not. When you love and it is unrequited, what is this saying about you?
Be open to giving and receiving love. Don't expect them to just give it to you. Surrender to yourself. You are the most valuable being you have in your own life.
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