How to live a conscious motherhood

"don't hold him so much in your arms that he gets used to it", "let him cry in the crib, it is not good to hold him so much", "it is best to pass him to his room beforehand", "it is bad that he sleeps with you in bed", "He's mad, that's not good", "Take him to kindergarten early, that's how he socializes"

These and many other similar phrases sound frequently around us. We hear them from family and friends, and what is worse, from some health and medical professionals. child psychology.

All these beliefs are not true, and furthermore, they are harmful to babies.

Human beings are animals (sometimes we forget, we think we are machines), and as such a large part of our behavior is genetically predetermined. What does this mean? That even the smallest gesture obeys something, it happens by and for something. Especially in the case of babies. The cry to ask for "little arms" is because the baby needs comfort, affection, has some discomfort ... etc.

Wanting to be close to mom or dad is not because he is "in love", it is because he needs to feel safe and protected (a baby is very fragile!)

The comparative psychology and the Evolutionary Psychology they can help us a little to understand this. As mammalian animals that we are, there are a series of aspects related to breeding that make us similar to other animals.

Let's look at any mammal, for example dogs or cats:

• As in the rest of mammals (including us), gestation occurs within the female's body. After childbirth, there is a more or less long period in which the offspring remain all the time with the mother, who takes care of feeding them, at first with mother's milk exclusively, and cleaning them. The mother only goes away from the young to relieve herself and feed herself. Usually this period coincides with the recovery from childbirth.

• As the hatchlings grow, the mother leaves them alone for longer periods of time.

• As the puppies grow, they themselves feel the desire to get away little by little from the mother and explore the environment.

• The mother favors this independence by staying close, but allowing them to grow further apart. They start to eat other foods and breastfeeding is gradually abandoned.

• Little by little, the mother regains greater independence and returns to occupying more and more time in the behaviors of her species, such as hunting, grooming, playing ... etc..

For humans it is exactly the same. Newborns need to be with their mother (physically and emotionally) for as long as possible. They do not need to socialize, they do not need to learn to sleep alone, or to cry in the crib, etc..

What a newborn needs is to be with its mother. As simple as that. And almost until the age of two, the main attachment figure will normally be the mother. This does not mean that there are not other very important figures, such as the father, or the brothers or the grandparents. Without a doubt, they will play a very important role in your development and will provide you with countless things.. But the baby needs a main figure to bond with (usually the mother) and who provides security, care and love..

John bowlby, one of the psychologists who has devoted the most to studying attachment bonds in children, found that children who did not have this main attachment figure, who had several caregivers, or who were in shelters, for example, they developed styles when interacting that could be characterized by insecurity, behaviors of rejection / excessive demand, detachment ... etc..

However children who enjoyed a secure attachment, they were more confident, sure of themselves and of the environment, and developed their independence naturally.

All of this is the ideal. A mother who can dedicate herself exclusively to parenting for at least the first two years, who can breastfeed, etc..

But the reality is different. Our society places a series of demands on us that directly collide with what would be desirable for our babies. And also, culturally and socially, women also have other interests and desires that are sometimes incompatible with that ideal..

A conscious motherhood

I do not think it is necessary or essential to park our working lives for several years to raise children. Nor do I think it is necessary for children to stay up to two years without going to nursery school, or for the mother to take care of the child exclusively.

But I do advocate conscious parenting and parenting. In which we know what is really desirable for the child, and from there we do everything possible so that reality adjusts and approaches this ideal.

• Spend the maximum of time with our child taking into account his age: the smaller the more he needs us.

• • Touching him, hugging him, picking him up, kissing him ... everything we can and more.

• If you have to take him to the nursery, take him, but try to keep it as short as possible if he is very young.

• Allow grandparents to enjoy and help us in their care.

• And do not neglect his cries, do not leave him alone if there is no reason, do not send him to the nursery "to socialize" if we or the grandparents can take care of him ... etc.

It is one thing to adapt to reality with common sense and according to the needs and circumstances, and quite another to be guided by unnatural advice that does not favor the development of the child, and that can also have negative consequences for the child..

And when we are overwhelmed, take a few hours for ourselves, or a couple of days. That is not incompatible with good parenting.