When a loved one dies, are you sad for him or for yourself?

Death is a common scenario in our lives. Sooner or later we end up living with her directly or indirectly. However, it is a taboo subject and one that many people avoid in their conversations..

The simple act of mentioning the word, let alone exchanging impressions, produces rejection and discomfort. Most people's faces change when they talk about death, you can see in their faces the tension and fear that the end of life produces.

Isn't it incredible that something as real as death and its consequences does not have a space for understanding and improvement in our lives? It could be said that the greatest truth that exists is that one day we will all die, and in the world in which we live, it seems that this truth does not carry enough weight to spend time preparing and understanding it in the best possible way..

If you were waiting for an article where to find keys to overcome the pain of the death of a loved one, I am going to save you a few minutes of your time by inviting you to look elsewhere because this post is not about that. What I intend with this article is that you reflect on the true truth that hides the sadness of the death of a loved one, so that we better understand its causes and consequently learn something new that helps us to be a little happier with death.

When you mourn the loss of a person, do you cry for them, or do you cry for yourself?

Psychologists define the grieving process as the stage after the loss of a person for which we feel an emotional bond, and which is completely necessary for us to reorganize sentimentally, cognitively and socially.

If we analyze this definition, the grief fits into a "post-loss stage", without referring to the possible direct relationship with the person. That is, it leaves up in the air with whom we duel. It is in this void where I propose you to reflect: you challenge yourself in a duel against yourself, not against the person you have lost..

Let's imagine the following situation for a moment. Pedro has just lost his father after a long illness. Contrary to what it may seem, he is happy and at peace with this situation. Pedro loved his father, but did not feel that his physical presence was necessary to make his life because he feels completely autonomous on an emotional level..

Pedro and his father had their differences in life, some of them very important, but fortunately Pedro knew the importance of being at peace in their relationships and clarified with his father everything that was pending, from acceptance and respect towards what that his father thought and did.

In addition, Pedro is a spiritual person who believes that death is part of life and that when one ends, the other begins. He is also a person with a high emotional intelligence who has worked himself to spend most of his life grateful and satisfied, regardless of the circumstances. He feels that his father will live forever. He has learned to feel both physical and emotional pain and to let go of it so that it is not anchored. When Pedro cries, there is always joy in his crying. How do you think Pedro is handling the death of his father?

Pedro's example is unusual. What we usually find behind a death is anger, frustration and sadness, and in many cases despair and lack of acceptance. This is normal and no one is to blame. It is a consequence of the collective consciousness that exists in our society about death.

The same society that mourns a loved one without realizing that the main reason for this sadness is belief of not being able to manage the loss, that they don't really mourn the loved one, they mourn their own limitations. They do not accept the new reality, they are afraid of the consequences and they resist the loss.

Some of the reasons why we feel deep sadness at the loss of a loved one are:

Fear of not knowing how to live without the deceased person

A relationship of years has been created in which there has been an immense exchange of love and growth. And now it seems that a part of your life has been taken from you, that you are missing a piece of your being, and of course, it is painful as if a piece of your body was torn away. But the real reality is that any person with the passage of time adapts to the new situation normally..

Why can't it be like this from the beginning of the loss? In part it is because in life we ​​depend excessively on our loved ones, we believe that we need them to be happy, when the true path would be to feel that we can be happy through ourselves, from our growth.

Lack of acceptance of the new reality

Accepting something means not resisting change or its consequences. The path of happiness it is the acceptance of your circumstances as part of the journey and not as unbreakable barriers that paralyze us.

When you accept something you are freeing yourself of a great unnecessary burden because regardless of whether you accept or not, life will continue its course and the only one harmed by not living it with the right frame of mind will be you.

You do not accept that death is part of life

If you are clear that you are alive, and you like to live, death should be something equally clear and accepted, without pain or fear. Instead, we reject it and we run from her like we can dodge her.

Death is to life like caffeine to coffee, rock to mountains, cold to winter, sand to desert, etc ... They are indivisible and unquestionable.

Nobody in their right mind would consider going to a desert and not finding sand and sun. If you do not get along with death it is because you have not accepted the relationship it has with life.

You do not accept that death is not the end

Those of us who are spiritual have this easier. We have the absolute certainty that our body is not buried prisoner of decomposition.

We believe in reincarnation, in the passage to other lives, in which we have an immortal soul. But even if you don't have faith in the spiritual, you can also believe that death is not the end. The memory of the person always remains.

The memory is like having the person alive, but without their physical presence. Anyone can rescue conversations, hugs, looks and great moments of people who one day left us. Embrace the memory and you will make death not the end.

You mistake need for love

When we speak of excessively dependent people we refer to the need they have towards other people, and this is not positive in any sense. You can love someone from the bottom of your heart, and yet feel no need for that person..

Because true love is pure and unconditional, it does not understand exchanges or debts, that is,, love without being willing to receive anything in return. For this you will have to strengthen your self-esteem to maximum levels, only then will you learn to love yourself so much that you will not need anyone to feel happy, and you will be able to truly love.

That is why I invite you to prepare for the death of a loved one, because life will not ask your permission to take the one you love most, it will directly act and you will live the consequences.

And the consequences can be devastating for people who have not developed on a personal level.. It is our responsibility to accept life as it comes to us, and once accepted, act accordingly to keep ourselves happy and satisfied, both towards ourselves and our relationships and loved ones..

Developing our emotional intelligence, our independence and freedom, talking about death naturally, losing the fear of dying and someone dying are some of the areas of development in which we should grow so that our sadness towards death is as painless as possible , and above all, be a sadness with meaning, a sense of growth.

I hope I have given you a more objective and comprehensive view of death, I would love to see your comments. See you soon.