Think for a moment about how you relate to your family. What is happening? Do you know where the problems come from?
“… I have wanted so many times to end everything and go away, I need to disappear. The worst thing about all this is that he doesn't realize that I can't take it anymore, one day I'll explode ... "
Does it sound familiar to you? Surely yes, it is a very frequent speech in people who are saturated with responsibilities. There are moments in life when even if you insist on moving forward, you cannot.
Let's see this continuing with this same example with which we have started the article. In the Mendiburu family, the mother (45 years old) is the head of the family, who takes charge of the entire family organization: She works within the home, maintains the house and supervises her 2 children (6 and 10 years old) and her husband ( 51). The latter "should not be upset, because he needs to rest, he has worked hard for years and cannot stress because he has a weak heart." No problem can be mentioned to her, and she is the one in charge of solving everything.
He accepts this role, and does not demand a greater space in family life or in decision-making. The children participate in this rule and rely on the mother. We can see how this myth about frailty and tendency to stress The father is a powerful organizer of the family routine, which revolves around the father. Nobody questions the myth in the family, or conceives the possibility of change.
What if this mother got sick? Sorry, I wrote the question wrong, actually what I wanted to write is the following: Does this mom allow herself to get sick? What would happen to her family members if she had to go away from home and decide to take care of herself for a while?
No, I do not mean to have two free hours a week to practice your favorite hobby, I mean to go on vacation for a few days to disconnect, to see your situation from another perspective. And the big question, what would happen if I finally decided to take the step, do you think it would be a vacation or the beginning of a very significant change in the lives of all the members of this family?
Surely you will agree with me that these are some of the questions we ask ourselves when we are tired of looking for alternatives to solve family problems.
The art of evaluation in psychotherapy with families consists of discovering what prevents the family from reaching the solution. What else can I do? It is the first thing that comes to your mind, right? But once again you continue with the problem of each day. Surely sometimes you have thought, What if the problem is not mine? What if the problem is my partner, my son, my mother, etc.?
Well, when the problem belongs to others and yet we suffer, because it directly or indirectly influences us, we have to think that we are involved in the problem and therefore we must make decisions to get out of there. Your family and you must bring a change in these relationships that are stagnant and no longer work.
Psychotherapy offers you the possibility of getting out of that situation as long as the people involved want to solve the problem. What if others don't want to? Simply what happens is that you begin to change and have what you want and the other person continues with the problem.
Sometimes take distance is necessary to help the person you love. It is an act of love, letting go, that each one takes direction without pressure and ties. Your vision will be clearer when you look within and see what you need and can ask for it, seek it, and get it. And meanwhile? Meanwhile, each one has the option of having what they really want and not getting used to what we really don't want..
When the material prevails (car, apartment, clothes, gifts, inheritances) and the things that really matter are left aside (gatherings, hugs, caresses, love, affection, active listening) the problem appears. How do we avoid this? Feeling. A feeling is a state of mind that is produced by causes that impress you, and these can be joyful and happy, or painful and sad.
If you want to feel joy and happiness with that person with whom you are in conflict, trying to pay attention to what you feel is the best alternative. It's not just giving a good morning kiss. It's not just kissing goodnight. It's not just saying I love you. It is about giving a long good morning kiss, that each hour is a memory, a common expectation, a desire for another long kiss.
It is about giving a long goodnight kiss, that you warm and pamper you, that you hug and take care of you. It's about looking into each other's eyes and taking time, you don't need to talk, you just need time but of quality and there you discover how much they love you. A hug that mends, that does not suffocate you.
I encourage people who come to my practice to stop and think about what they want and what they really want to feel. The problem lies in how each couple and / or family tries to solve it, So if you are in this process, see if it is the right one.
Protect with care and love to all members of the family. With caresses, kisses, hugs, signs of affection. Enjoy. Do the things that make you really happy, the days that are loaded with responsibilities leave little time for enjoyment, try to enjoy every day things that you really like, because in this way the rest of your family will see you happy. Share time every day.
Dedicate quality moments every day, once you have already asked how the day, classes, work were like, think about what things you do not know about your partner or your family, dedicate time to yours. Laugh. Plan a day with your family, make a plan to have fun in which laughter is part of the plan. It sounds. Set new goals, new challenges and get motivated with these new expectations.
Love is in simple things, it begins with them both by giving and receiving them. It is possible that when you focus on these little things you discover a feeling within you that makes you reflect. This means that something is already changing, at the moment in the way you feel.
Let it flow and listen to your feeling, try to listen to it and fight for what you want. Remember that the best way to relate properly is through words. Problems are understood by speaking and not by shutting up
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