The breakup of a couple with children is always a painful and difficult moment for all members of the family. After the first transfer, adults and children will have to adapt to the new situation and redefine their role within the family..
Traditionally, the woman has always been in charge of taking care of the children. In recent decades, women have gradually been incorporated into the world of work, but, with very few exceptions, they have not neglected their role as mothers.
Although most women appreciate that their partner takes part in the care of the children, it is also true that in general they consider it their own (not exclusive) plot, of which they are very proud. Children have been part of the mother's psychological makeup since before they are born and they have them in mind, almost continuously, for many years. Most mothers know at every moment of the day where each of their children is. They know their class schedule, the extracurricular activities they participate in, who their friends are, and where they live. Obviously some things escape them, but they maintain a relative control over what their children do, which not only serves to care for them and protect them, but also alleviates the anguish that can be felt by not having it in sight..
After a divorce, this control that gives the mother so much security is partially lost. When the children return to the mother's house after a few days with the father, they may not feel like explaining what they have done. One day they may come back sad or distressed, and if they don't feel like talking, the mother will never know what may have happened. The feeling of having lost control over the well-being of children can be a terrible experience for a mother. If we also take into account that this control is one of the foundations of the idea of ​​motherhood that many women have, it is not surprising that feelings of guilt and low self-esteem are experienced. You often get the impression that things are not being done right. But faced with a challenge as tough and difficult as raising a child alone, no one can be surprised that from time to time they lose their roles or fall into discouragement. Seeing how the children grow and get ahead despite everything, is what will give the mother new strength to persevere.
Many mothers will have to find the ability to forgive themselves for mistakes. A mother has a capacity beyond measure to blame herself for everything. She blames herself if her children do not get good grades or if they have sad moments, she blames herself for the divorce if she caused it and also if she did not cause it, she blames herself for whether she has found a new partner or if she hasn't ... And some Guilt feelings can last for years. It is true that the effects of divorce on children are long term, but that does not mean that they are the cause of all your problems. This is an unfair burden. You should try to be kinder to yourself, feel proud of everything you have achieved. We all have dreams and aspirations and not all of them can come true, but if we look back and add up all the little things that have been done well for the love of our children, we discover that it has really been worth it..
Coping with paternity after a divorce is not easy either, especially if we take into account that it is the father who generally remains outside the family nucleus. Divorce implies a total redefinition of oneself as a father and of the challenges that must be assumed to preserve or rebuild the relationship with the children. In a close family, there is no question what the role of the father is, even if he spends a lot of time away from home. But when one is only a father "when he plays", he may feel that his position towards his children, which seemed immovable, suddenly begins to falter..
After a divorce, some parents renounce parenthood (especially those who felt abandoned by the parents themselves). Others become very committed parents to their children.
This is not easy. The role of father outside the family involves losses that must be faced and accepted. No matter how good the relationship with the mother is, from the moment of divorce it must be assumed that there is a large part of the children's lives that the father will lose. Many parents try to have a close relationship with their children and all they get is a sense of loss, and fear that their children will marginalize them. The security of being "the man of the house" cannot be re-created by being a good parent in a joint custody home or when the children are visiting. You have to be aware. But you also have to keep in mind that children need both, father and mother. Although they live with their mother in their day-to-day lives, they need to feel that they have a committed father in the parental relationship. The relationship with the children does not depend on the time that the father spends according to the divorce clauses, but is measured by the intensity that the children perceive, by the commitment and by what the father can contribute to the relationship.
Separated parents can often feel left out as the mother's relationship with the children, already very close, intensifies even more after the divorce. If, in addition, the ex-woman begins a relationship with another man and includes him within the family nucleus, the feeling of exclusion increases much more. You may have the need to blame the mother for this feeling of estrangement from the children, and this can lead to a worsening of the relationship between the two members of the former partner and the temptation on the part of the father to renounce parenthood. , which does not benefit either party. Children need the father and that will never change. It also doesn't change if the children have a fantastic stepfather. Children never mistake a stepfather for a father, they have a specific place in their hearts for each and their expectations are very different..
The age and sex of the children is also an important factor to take into account. Girls, especially in preadolescence, need to be with the mother and put some distance from the father. This is normal, and should be accepted and respected without trying to force the situation or live as a rejection. At 17-18 years of age, if she has gotten along well, the daughter will surely be willing to resume a closer relationship. At all times it must be borne in mind that the father-daughter relationship will forge the image of the men that the girl will have. It depends on the father that this image is positive, respectful and committed.
For boys of any age, the father is the role model, the role model of what it means to be a man. Much more than any other male figure, including the stepfather they live with. This is a good reason not to abandon the parenting role. Both your present and future happiness depend on your father's commitment to your education..
Young children need the support of the mother and the help of the father. As they approach adolescence, the time they spend with their parents shortens, and that must be assumed. But the role of father does not end when children reach adulthood. If the relationship has always been carried out in a committed and loving way, fostering trust, the children will approach their parents again when they have their own children, seeking help and advice..
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