We suppose that the couple's relationship is the ideal framework in which one can express their feelings with greater freedom; but in practice, it happens all too often that couples have real difficulties in effectively informing their partner of what they are feeling.
There are basically two patterns of moods: negative ones, such as disappointment, anger, depression, frustration, anger, etc. And the positives, joy, affection, love, admiration, or reward. When we try to express both types of feelings, difficulties arise which we will detail below.
Many couples tend to avoid expressing frustration, disgust, or even anger at all costs, since, too often in the past, expressing such feelings was only the beginning of a dispute, due to multiple accusations. what such complaints implied.
We believe that the "crux" of the matter lies, fundamentally, in how to express these feelings, without causing, in the listener, a feeling of criticism, a destructive impression.
How do we get this new effect on our partner? That is, how can we express the anger that our partner's behavior produces in us, without him or her feeling attacked and criticized? We can start by specifying what the other does or does not do that causes negative feelings. Tell him that you have a problem with what is happening. Afterwards, we will ensure that he or she does not feel offended if we “own the feeling”, that is, it is not you who irritate or annoy me, but I who feel that way. And finally, we can make a specific and concrete request of what could be done to improve that situation: we ask our partner to modify any action in the present or in the future, to help us solve a problem or even to only provide to comment on the difficulty at another time.
If we accuse the other, if we are aggressive, insult or overgeneralize, if we review all the examples of the past, if we ruminate the problem and present it as something that we have been "keeping to ourselves", if we interpret the motivations of the other, reading their thoughts, etc. our partner will feel attacked and will respond to our attack by defending himself: conclusion, the brawl will have begun.
If, on the contrary, we express our feelings in a direct, spontaneous way, describing the behavior of the other, referring only to the present, without reviewing all the examples of the past, if we are empathic understanding the position of the other, expressing explicitly that we understand the position of the other. another, if we take an active attitude towards the problem, showing that it is something that can be solved, etc. our colleague will probably feel that they have the ability to help us overcome the problem and that the change we request is possible.
But we cannot forget other types of feelings, the positive ones: such as the expression of affection, affection, admiration, reward, etc. It seems that the "normal" thing is that the expression of these feelings diminishes with the passage of time in a lasting relationship. Sometimes it may seem even unnecessary to remind our partner that we still love them. Moreover, we are not surprised to see a couple of young teenagers express their affection in a park, but it amazes us even in a negative way, if it is two caramelized adults. But, the desire that people have to hear from their partner the expression of those feelings is not lost over time. And then? What are the reasons we stopped doing it? What is the reason that the rate of positive expressions decreases with time? A non-expressive person will surely tell us that his partner already knows his feelings, that he already knows how he feels about her, etc. But by saying so, he is quite possibly hiding his own shame and inability to express such affections. But this should not and should not be the cause of a relationship withering away and dying..
Real reinforcement, that is, what really rewards us and encourages us to reciprocate, is different for each person. Each individual grants a different specific weight to things and therefore we do not all like everything and not even to the same degree. Therefore, we must investigate what really reinforces our partner. What kinds of things do you attach importance to and what not, in short, what factors have the power to "compromise" our partner in mutual reinforcement.
If we effectively reinforce our partner, she will feel the "obligation" to return the compliment, to please us and to reciprocate; and thus we will increase the rate of positive exchanges, becoming a source of gratification and support for our partner. And it seems that is what we all intend to find, isn't it?.
Lucky.
Marta Garcia Sanchez
Clinical psychologist
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