The constant couple arguments and destructive they are like tobacco or alcohol: toxic, but also addictive, and when you don't have them they create a kind of withdrawal syndrome.
These toxic discussions generate great discomfort in the couple's relationship. A climate of tension is generated that prevents happiness, peace and harmony. Once you are immersed in them, it is difficult to know how to stop them, and even if you do not like them and do not want to have them, they occur again and again..
Sometimes it is thought that these are unimportant discussions, that if the couple gets along later, nothing happens. However, being constantly like this can lead to building a toxic relationship. To have a happy relationship, it is necessary to have effective communication, rules and habits that allow coexistence.
In destructive discussions, one of the couple or both, seeks or you seek to win the argument, give in their weak point, leave the other unarmed, make the other feel bad, for you to gain power and be in a position above the other.
After each destructive discussion, ask yourself the following questions: Has it helped you to be happier? Do you feel better about yourself for having won? Do you feel more secure with yourself??
It may be, but it is a FALSE feeling of happiness / security. Do not forget. You are fooling yourself.
Stop playing this absurd game of getting power. Power, security and happiness are achieved in a very different way.
It is clear that a discussion of "why haven't you washed the dishes", "why have you answered me edge" or "why haven't you booked a restaurant if I told you to do so", may be a reason to lead to an argument, but no good reason to lead to a destructive discussion.
This requires a deeper analysis.
If you frequently find your partner involved in destructive arguments, it is clear that one or both of the couple has or has unresolved internal emotional conflicts.
These internal emotional conflicts usually have to do with experiences from the past. Whether they are experiences in relationships experienced as negative, family conflicts and / or traumas of different kinds.
These unresolved emotional conflicts are what activate, in discussions, intense and uncontrolled negative emotions.
Anger, rage, resentment or hatred are due to lived experiences that you have not managed properly. They are expressed and unleashed in discussions with your partner, becoming destructive.
The emotion felt is so strong that it is aimed at wanting to destroy your partner and hurt him. After a while, when the waters calm down, you can recognize that your reaction has been exaggerated and your intention was not to harm him.
However, this cannot continue like this over and over again, as the relationship gradually deteriorates and an increasingly negative climate is established in the couple..
Analyze what is behind each argument, is it so serious that he has not washed the dishes? What has really hurt me about all this?
Sit down with your partner and help each other discover the real reasons that push you to the limit. For this you have to enter your emotional world.
It may be that, due to these lived experiences that I was talking about, you have been building an emotional wall for yourself so as not to deal with those negative emotions and therefore avoid suffering..
This wall or defense that you have built gives you a certain security in your relationship with others, but it opens an abyss in your intimate relationship with your partner that makes it difficult to solve conflicts.
Your partner is there, among other things, to be able to speak without fear of all your insecurities, fears and weaknesses. Do not get defensive, it is not your aggressor but your ally, you just have to let it be.
Therefore, to be able to analyze why you have become so angry or angry, you must cross that emotional barrier that distances you from your feelings and be able to express them with your partner.
Do not be afraid to get in touch with your emotions, if you listen to them carefully, they will guide you to achieve greater well-being.
It is important that you are able to recognize your mistakes at all times. This is part of emotional maturity.
Do not fall into the false myth that admitting your mistakes and asking for forgiveness implies lowering yourself. It is just the opposite. You will reach a higher level of maturity and harmony when you are able to do so..
In reality, power, respect and happiness can only be achieved in one way: with love. The power and respect imposed is not real; since the other acts as you want out of fear.
On the other hand, if you offer love to people and make them feel special, they choose you unconditionally..
If you are the one who usually admits mistakes and your partner does not, show him the way of how to do it. You will teach him a valuable lesson that will bring him inner peace.
When arguing with your partner, avoid putting the spotlight on the counterattack. The counterattack only leads to escalating discussions with the danger of leading to destructive discussions.
A better option is to look internally where you have gone wrong so that your partner will be startled.
If the discussion grows in intensity, take a break, tell your partner that you need a while to think and that then you will return to the matter.
It is important that you take up the matter and that you do not let it pass. If you let it pass and you don't talk about what happened, anger and resentment gradually builds up, which at one point or another will come out in the form of a destructive discussion..
Once you have relaxed, start the talk by expressing what you think your mistakes have been. In this way you allow to lower the defensive position in which your partner is surely.
Then express how you felt. This way of approaching it is important and I will explain why in the next step.
Just as you express how you have felt, you should also try to find out and understand how your partner has felt.
Once you have shared your feelings, it is important that you come to an agreement on what to do or how to act next time so that it does not happen again..
If you have difficulty having a relaxed chat since every time you try it increases the tone of voice and the tension, I advise you to go to a public place. The presence of other people will make you control yourself and you can speak in a more relaxed way.
A university professor told me one day something that has really worked for me to this day:
When you are in an argument, always speak from your emotion: "I have felt hurt because ..." instead of "you have done such a thing to annoy me".
If you speak from your feelings, that is something that no one can refute, since the feelings are only felt by you and no one else. On the other hand, if you make interpretations of what the other has done, it always leads to unsolvable disagreements..
Therefore, do not make interpretations about what the other has said or done but about how you have felt. This will help reduce the intensity of the discussions and make it easier for the other person to understand you..
It often happens that one of the couple tries to avoid conflicts so as not to argue.
As I said at the beginning, it is normal to discuss and not only normal but it is useful and productive if you follow these steps and manage to reach a mutual understanding and agreement..
In fact, couples who don't argue can never have a bigger problem. Usually it is a not very intimate relationship, they relate to each other from the surface. With which that leads them to have no reasons for discussion but not for privacy..
When there is something that bothers you about your partner or you do not see appropriate, do not keep it to yourself.
The danger of keeping what bothers one of the other is that there comes a time when the person explodes, and it does so in an uncontrolled way. And that's something you must correct.
It is not about avoiding arguments but about learning to argue.
Express to him from the calm and serenity how you feel when he / she behaves in that way. Remember to always speak from your feeling. Not judging their way of acting.
If your partner gets angry and turns on, then it is clear that now the problem is he / she who is not able to recognize their mistakes and speak from respect. So you should go back to step 2 and 3.
You have taken some time to think, you have sat down to talk with your partner about the discussion you have had, you have understood his / her feeling and he / she yours, you have considered how to act next time so that the same thing does not happen again.
Very well, you did it, but do not leave it there, celebrate that you have reconciled and that you have reached an understanding.
This great effort and its happy ending must be accompanied by a reward.
So go out to dinner, watch a movie hugging or enjoy a good sexual encounter that helps you reconnect.
As I said at the beginning of this article, destructive discussions are like tobacco or alcohol, and like all drugs, possible relapses must be prevented..
For this, it is important that you take care of the relationship. It is not only about trying not to have destructive discussions but also about generating a general climate of peace and love within the couple..
This climate of peace and love does not appear alone, but requires your effort and dedication:
If you apply the tips that I have told you and take care of the relationship on a day-to-day basis, destructive discussions will become part of the past..
If, after deliberately putting these tips into practice, you observe that destructive couple discussions continue, it is time to consider couples therapy..
As I have commented previously, destructive arguments are given because one member or both of the couple has unresolved emotional conflicts..
It is not easy to resolve internal emotional conflicts by oneself, since many times one is not aware of them or is aware but does not know how to approach or manage them.
In that case, I recommend that you have the help of a professional to guide you through this process. Remember that we are always here to help you.
And what do you do to avoid destructive couple arguments? Your opinion will help the readers. Thanks!
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