Divorce in old age 8 keys to overcome it

Although we associate older marriages with stability and durability, the truth is that more and more couples are divorcing at an advanced age.

Each couple is very different, and the reasons for the separation can be very different. However, the last stage of life is characterized by a series of conditions that can act as triggers and lead to a marital separation.

Starting in the 60s, a whole series of events take place. major changes in people's lives. One of them is the entrance to the retirement. With it, we abandon a series of routines and habits, and we lose one of our main vital roles. This supposes a whole series of changes in the daily life of the person, going to find themselves with a greater amount of free time.

One of the implications of retirement is spending much more time at home and, consequently, with your partner. East increased coexistence it can accentuate what has been missing for a long time in a couple. If it is a stable relationship, with solid ties, this situation can be overcome. However, the increase in coexistence can be the trigger for separation in less stable couples.

A breakup is always traumatic, at any age. The time it takes to overcome it will depend on many factors, including:

• The degree of emotional involvement with the couple: generally, after many years of marriage, the couple has established strong emotional bonds, which make the separation process even more difficult than at other ages, where relationships have a shorter time course.

• The social support: the degree of support we receive from those we consider to be of our trust is very important. Generally, in marriages of such a long duration there are children and even grandchildren in common. An important recommendation is that the children do not get in the way of the separation process, or place themselves in one of the "parties" to the conflict; if they do, they will generate more pain and suffering.

• The personality: the way we face the problems that each of us have will also have a decisive influence on how we overcome the separation and how long we need to achieve it.

• The emotional maturity: although at age 60 the life experience is great, not everyone has reached the same degree of maturity on an emotional level to cope with adversities in the same way and adapt to them.

How to manage this situation?

Any separation is a loss, and losses create pain.

After a loss we live a grieving process, That implies accepting and adapting to the new situation without that person. It is probably a difficult process, since it is about relationships that last many years, where that person has been part of almost our entire lives, probably with children and grandchildren in common..

How we are going to get through this grief and how long it will take will probably depend on a number of factors, including: which of the parties ends the relationship, the reason for separation, the way the relationship ended, the vital circumstances, the type of relationship, social support ...

Every grieving process has a series of phases that characterize it (although we do not all go through them necessarily or in the same order), and the first of them is the denial; The first and most visceral reaction is to refuse to accept the situation, probably asking ourselves questions such as: "What have I done?", "This can't happen to me!" ... Feelings of grief, pain, disbelief and confusion.

We then go through a phase of go to, where we express all our rage, our anger and our disgust with the new situation. We begin to realize what is happening, feeling such a level of anguish that it overwhelms us. It is common for feelings of guilt to appear for not having done things differently, for not having said what we wanted to say, for not having behaved differently, etc..

Next, we will experience a phase where the sadness it becomes much more intense. Crying appears, accompanied by feelings of grief, guilt, loneliness, self-criticism, longing, ...

Finally, the last phase appears: the acceptance. The feelings of hopelessness and guilt are dissipating, along with the need to resume the daily routine, to open up to social relationships, ... The loss is assumed to be real, in such a way that we continue with our life even if we keep it in mind. Thinking about her no longer hurts.

To overcome the grieving process and achieve acceptance, these are some keys.

1. It is not a question of age. The most important thing is to be clear that the separation of a couple can take place at any age and for many different reasons. As it can happen at any age, it can also be overcome at any age.

2. Give yourself time. The grieving process requires a time, during which we can adapt to the new situation, to a life without that person. Allow yourself to experience pain, express the feelings and emotions associated with grief (anger, anger, sadness, anguish, anxiety, ...).

3. Avoid rumination. Try to adapt and accept the new situation, without thinking about what may have been and was not, what we wanted it to have been and was not, ... These types of thoughts only generate anxiety and more suffering.

4. Take refuge in the ones you love the most. Social support is one of the most important keys in order to overcome a separation. Surely you have children or grandchildren, even lifelong friends or friends, who know you, can listen to you and help you with everything you need.

5. Don't let it block your life. Do not allow change to block your life, continue with it, with your routines, your hobbies, your friends, your obligations, ...

6. Stay active. With the arrival of separation, you will surely find yourself with a lot of free time, all that you probably shared with your spouse. Now the time has come for a change that, although progressive, you must initiate. Consider new hobbies, new sports, ... activities that you always wanted to do and couldn't, or that simply motivate and satisfy you.

7. Acknowledge that you are done. Try to acknowledge that the situation has changed, that the relationship is over. It is probably a difficult process, since there are many years of coexistence that have generated a whole series of habits linked to that person. It is important that you try to keep your distance from her; calling him, looking for him, will only generate more suffering for both parties.

8. Loneliness is not bad. Loneliness is not bad in itself. Feeling lonely is not the same as being alone. Try to enjoy yourself and think that looking for a "spare" is not the solution.

These are some of the keys that can help us overcome a grieving process due to separation as a couple, when our age passes 60 years. Although it is a difficult process, conditioned by many factors (many years of shared life, children, friends and common assets ...), overcoming is possible. Our brain is plastic and our adaptability is amazing, so at any age any change is possible. You will simply need time and a proactive attitude.