We start relationships with joy and enthusiasm, with high and seemingly successful prospects for the relationship, and even then, they don't work out.. What is happening? Why don't many relationships work? How do you go from a state of happiness and absolute surrender to disappointment and frustration??
The lack of self-esteem and the urgent need to feel loved or loved causes the acceptance as a couple of any person who comes to give attention and affection.
The need to cover our deficiencies through other people promotes entering into relationships without first consciously discerning whether that person is convenient for us or not.
Dependence and the great multitude of toxic relationships that we can find today are a response to this type of choices.
The feeling of well-being and happiness resulting from the chemistry of falling in love causes, if we do not manage it, that we rush into decision-making, believing that what we are living is true and that the person with whom we want to share our life is so magnificent and idyllic as we see it now.
Understanding the chemistry of love is key to understanding what happens to us at all times, the reason for many ups and downs, and rescuing as much as possible, our most rational and conscious part.
Most people understand as love the idea that society through culture, literature, movies, etc., have sold us as devotion, absolute surrender and passion towards the other person.
Believing and seeking the idea of romantic love in each of our partners can lead us to generate dependency and completely toxic relationships. In addition to the expectations of an ideal relationship that little by little the day to day will be dismantling.
Learning to distinguish love from falling in love helps us put head to our hearts.
Love is the choice we make to share our life project with another person. Share beliefs and values as the basis of the relationship to walk, side by side, in our day to day.
In order to consciously make this choice there are several requirements that must be met or at least thought about:
At the beginning of any relationship, the chemistry of falling in love can make us believe that our partner is the ideal person. It is fantastic and it is the man or the woman of our life. Giving enough time to see the other person without the veil of oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin among others, allows us to evaluate if it really is what we want.
Understand that the chemical reactions of falling in love can make us make decisions that at another time or in another state we would not make. Putting head and awareness to all our inner movement will help us to be able to choose consciously and avoid being carried away by the impulsiveness of emotions
Many people stop being themselves the moment they enter a relationship. Love towards another person implies loving oneself and therefore is maintaining our own life project.
It is about sharing paths and not leaving ours aside.
Still, it is important to share the vision of that life project.
Conscious love and responsibility with oneself allows me not to start a relationship with someone who does not want to have children and I do, or who wants to spend their time traveling for months to see the world without caring about their work area if my priority is to have a stable job.
It seems obvious, but I can assure you that logic disappears when we are in love. We believe that the other person will change or we even do it by leaving our identity parked, until we are involved in a whirlwind of feelings and immersed in a relationship in which we have already invested time and energy.
What are the most important values for you? Can you imagine being with someone who does not have them? What if for you respect is fundamental and you are with someone who does not respect anyone?
And we see the values through the actions of other people, as long as we decide to get off the nines of the chemistry of falling in love to attend and observe reality..
Then, What happens in our body when we fall in love that prevents us from seeing reality?
The functioning of our brain is focused on the reproduction and survival of the species.
Sex, the pleasure we get from them, and all the chemistry that goes off when we get close to someone has its biological purpose.. Understanding it and making it aware helps us understand a large part of our emotions and the impulsiveness so characteristic at the beginning of any relationship.
This awareness is one more tool to be able to make use of the most privileged brain that we have compared to the rest of mammals and to manage our relationships more effectively, to reach love as a conscious choice..
Until the unconscious becomes conscious, the subconscious will continue to direct your life and you will call it destiny. C. Jung
The chemical reactions that take place in our body make us see the relationship and the other person as idyllic. When little by little we are entering a more normalized state, yes, the body cannot stay like this for long, it is when we stop feeling the 'butterflies in the stomach' and we begin to live reality and we can even enter a crisis.
It is not that love has disappeared, quite the contrary. It is just the moment when if we decide, real love begins.
One of the main causes of the breakup of couples is that we live a commercial love, that is, we want the passion and joy of the first months and when it ends we look for it in another person. We desire the pleasure, excitement and joy provoked by dopamine and serotonin becoming throwaway objects..
How then do these substances influence that cause us to stop attending to reality and we only have to look for them from relationship to relationship?
Oxytocin is a form that is generated by proximity, by kisses, hugs, caresses, sex ... It helps us to forge bonds and generate more trust in the other person.
It is usually called the love hormone and makes us remain in a state of well-being and tranquility.
Serotonin is the neurotransmitter for happiness. It makes us be in a better mood, positively affects our moods and our emotions. It brings us optimism, good humor and even inhibition of anger. It is the shield against negative emotions.
Infatuation acts like a drug. We want more and more and when we separate from the other person we can lose our minds.
This is caused by dopamine, the same substance that is activated when we consume drugs, and activates the reward systems of our brain, that is, we receive large amounts of pleasure every time we are with the loved one and in his absence our brain asks us for more substances, more contact, more of him or her.
It is not that we have known the love of our life, or yes, but what makes us believe that without the other person we die, is the result of the effects of this substance.
Being aware of this, that it is simply the chemistry of the brain that is playing this trick on us and that it is not that we have gone crazy or crazy, we can act and improve these states of need of the other person, letting time pass so that little by little we return to a state of more tranquility and focus.
Love as a conscious choice takes time and awareness. It is the decision of wanting to share the path of life with someone who walks with you, neither in front nor behind, who respects your space and your identity, who does not claim out of necessity, and who meets a series of requirements that we can only see by attending to reality without expecting tales of princes and princesses.
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