Grief in children and adolescents frequent behaviors and tips to help

Grief is a normal process in the face of death. Normal grief is the adaptation process that will allow us to regain personal and family balance.

In children, grief depends on their concept of death and life, which evolves according to age and experiences. It is not the same to face a grieving process for a three-year-old than for a ten-year-old, since their understanding and maturity are very different. But in all cases, the family environment can help a lot in this process.

Contents

• Before age 4
• From 4 to 6 years
• From 6 to 11 years old
• Tips to Help Children Cope with Loss
• From 12 years old
• Tips to Help Teens

Before age 4

During early childhood the child does not understand the concept of death. The lack of a loved one can be lived as an abandonment without more. Children who deal with the loss of a loved one at such a young age may manifest:

• Crying continued.
• Sleep and / or eating disorders.
• More childish behaviors than their fair share, such as thumb sucking.
• A type of game or repetitive language.
• Inhibition, passivity, absence behaviors, as if it were not.

From 4 to 6 years

During this age children already begin to show interest in death, they ask questions and want simple answers. They think that death can be something reversible, like sleep, and that death is something temporary, that it is not forever. At these ages they can manifest:

• Fear of being separated from their parents.
• Tantrums and outbursts of irritability.
• Sleep disturbances, with an increase in usual fears.
• Fighting, crying, and / or isolation behavior.
• Act and speak as if the person is alive and can come back.
• Regression to behaviors from previous stages.
• Go from crying to laughing rather quickly, with brief and recurring afflictions.
• Difficulty paying attention, being absent, not wanting to talk about what happened.

From 6 to 11 years old

During this stage, children already have knowledge of the life cycle of the living being, they know that it ends with death and that it is forever. How it can be manifested:

• With disbelief, shock and / or confusion. You may erupt in anger and feel betrayed by the dead person.
• With anger expressed through violent games, nightmares, irritability.
• Throwing tantrums.
• With fear of losing another close being.
• With more childish behaviors than those that are proper to him by age ...
• They may feel guilty for things they have said or done to the person who has died.
• Sadness expressed in the form of insomnia, loss of appetite, fear, lack of interest, longing for the lost person ...
• Inability to concentrate in school, poor school performance.
• Oppositional behaviors.

Tips to Help Children Cope with Loss

Some of the things that families are most recommended to do with their children when grieving the loss of an important loved one are the following:

Accompany the child in the process by explaining the reality of death as far as he can understand, with simple words and finding the right moments.

For the older ones, it may be useful to explain the moments in life where death is present (examples of animals, plants), to show that death is a natural event and that it happens to all living beings.

It is good that they are given the possibility to choose whether or not they want to attend and participate in the funeral acts, always accompanied by an adult, and with sufficient explanations.

If they do not wish to participate, we can offer them other possibilities such as drawing, writing a letter to help them say goodbye to the person who has died..

The family must accept the expression of feelings of sadness to be able to live the grief properly.

It is important that the family can hug the child, listen to him, cry with him and explain that even if the adult is also sad, we will continue to take care of him.

It is good that as soon as possible we can recover the daily rhythm and guarantee maximum stability with the fewest possible changes..

From 12 years old

Death intensifies the pressure that adolescents feel to face the future and increases their emotional turmoil. Death makes them aware of their own mortality. For this reason they can manifest:

• An increase in your physical discomfort, such as migraines, abdominal pain, etc..
• Psychological distress.

Tips to Help Teens

In this difficult transitional stage that is adolescence, we must learn to put ourselves in their place, but respecting that they are still not old enough to carry out roles that do not correspond to them. It's recommended:

• Give them clear and adequate information about the situation.
• Allow and respect the expression or not of feelings.
• Enhance their participation in all events.
• Be close and available when they need the adult, guarantee attention and affection.
• Maintain routines and rules so that they do not feel that their world is disorganized and contribute to its stability.
• Do not ask them for responsibilities that do not correspond to them by age, or responsibilities that the person who has died had. For example, being a mother or father of little brothers.
• It is important to reaffirm the personality of the adolescent by assessing their tastes, concerns and preferences and differentiating them from the person who has died.
• In general, it is good to respect the child's grieving process and authorize their expressions, stating that what happens is normal, and relating the way it manifests with the loss of the loved one..