Imagine the following scenario:
A boy or girl who constantly grows up dealing with the rejection of his parents, either because they are not physically present, or because - despite being present - they are so engrossed in other matters that they do not dedicate enough time to quality; It may also be that it is toxic parents those who are not interested in the well-being of their child and, even, who are loving parents who at some point and unintentionally underestimated some quality or ability of their offspring.
Whatever the scenario, it ends up creating the same thing: a trace of affective deficiency. What is this about? Broadly speaking, the memory of a rejection event in people's lives and the particular feeling related to it, which ultimately ends up being revived with it. And especially, when we are still children, we need to find urgent ways to combat our parents' rejection in order to survive psychically..
However and regardless of the strategies we develop to fight against that monster called parental rejection, It seems that we never ended up winning that war. For example, some children are merciless with regard to the idea of success in their school performance, in their relationship with their siblings or in their own recreational activities, with a single slogan: parental acceptance.
But this is where a paradox is born, because the more efforts they make in that fight, it seems that the further they are from winning it and worse, instead of trying something different, their efforts (which have proven to be inefficient) are carried out with more effort. than before, which eventually ends up leading to frustration.
As these children grow up, they often enter into unhealthy or convenient relationships., where rejection in some form prevails and causes them suffering. But in reality what these people are suffering is not the rejection of their current partner, but they are reliving old childhood wounds, a product of parental ignorance..
So the unconscious logic that assails them is that if as children they could not or knew how to reverse that feeling, now -as adults-, life presents them with a second chance of triumph through the same scenario (or a similar one) to the one that caused their suffering.. Only this time it is with a partner and not with a parent.
The big problem is, how can this battle be won if the original person (the parent who rejected us) is no longer present in our adult lives as they were as children? This is the dilemma. And the answer comes as follows: we have to transform the couple into our symbolic mother or father.
Furthermore, in the search for this symbolic father, The person sees their need to rebuild the original rejection in the relationship triggered, because at the end of the day, if there is no rejection, there is no battle to fight and there is no possibility of triumphing over that feeling that continues to make life miserable..
That is why these people look for partner patterns that trigger rejection. Have you heard someone (maybe you have done it yourself) say: "I don't understand why I always get couples like this"? Because of this need to relive the rejection that gives you a new opportunity to triumph over it..
I understand that it may be difficult for you to digest the above, I particularly think that it can be difficult for someone to accept that their partner becomes their “father”. I think this is largely due to the fact that when you hear this you almost immediately think about the sexual connotation. "What are you talking about? I don't want to sleep with my father! ”May be your thought. However, let me clarify that the underlying idea is far from it., because these symbolic parents they are not sexual substitutes, but emotional.
It may also happen that you maintain that this is not the case in your case because your partner behaves or has a very different personality than your rejecting father, but this is a very recurrent confusion. Usually and if you pay attention, you will notice similarities between the two. It may be that they are not expressed exactly the same but the base is the same.
For example, maybe your father ignored you because he had another family and children and then you looked for an extremely faithful partner with whom this did not happen, but who spends his time working all day and when he gets home he just wants to sleep and ignores every request of coexistence on your part. You realize? The basis is the same -rejection-, although its expression is different.
It is also very important that you know that in the creation of a symbolic father neither gender nor physical similarities really matter. That is, external qualities are not as important as behavioral qualities. A man who as a child suffered rejection from his addicted father may well choose an alcoholic woman as his wife and thus make her a substitute for him.. There are times when even a couple can be the representation of both parents.
But, as we said, the real danger in all of this is that the creation of this symbolic father ends up causing a obsessive attitude on your part: the lost fight to overcome that rejection. So you constantly and unsuccessfully strive to change your partner, or for your partner to finally appreciate what you are worth, what you do for them, what you sacrifice for the relationship or what you invest in their well-being.. And by not achieving this, you become attached and suffer believing that you love that person. You do not really love, but you remain hooked to an old known pattern and, although this pattern was harmful to you, it was the only thing you learned to relate to affection, acceptance and appreciation..
Now for sure you ask yourself: How do i know if i am creating a symbolic father of my partner?
Well, there are several signs that can tell you if something like this is happening in your life. One of them is when we begin to cross the subtle line that divides the form of relationship with a partner and with a father; for example, when we demand that our partner fulfill towards us questions that they do not correspond.
Suddenly we see ourselves riding the horse that leads us to the belief that the other has obligation with us (as a father has it) and we forget that couple relationships are about exercising elections and what we do for the other is because, in essence, we decide and want to do. When the couple demands these "obligations" from us, they are seeing us as an obligated father..
Along with this, there appears an attitude that prevents us from seeing the authentic qualities of the other as a couple, and which are demerited because they do not fulfill the characteristics as a father; An example of this is that we think that our partner is not a good partner because he does not provide us with the economic issue as we expect (of course there are basic issues in this that have to be covered), and we do not take into account your other positive characteristics such as your kindness, empathy, love or generosity.
The last one is - paradoxically - that sometimes even if the opposite is sought, that is, a couple far from the parental model, they end up falling into the opposite extreme, which is just as damaging; In this way, a man who had an overprotective mother and who did not allow him personal and natural growth, looks for himself, for fear of repeating the same thing that hurt him with his mother, a cold and distant woman who will also end up hurting him.
Finally, the issue -from my point of view-, of having a symbolic father as a couple, is not if there is something “bad” or “good” in it, but if it is something functional or not for those involved; I mean that from time to time we all have paternal attitudes or behaviors of spoiled children with our partners, it is part of the love dynamic, but one thing is "part of" and another that this way the relationship is established. So it is a matter of striking a balance between what I seek and what I get.
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