Philphobia or the fear of falling in love, having a relationship or being emotionally or sentimentally committed to another person, is an increasingly common problem in today's couples..
In fact, there are many people who start a romantic relationship and after a certain time they begin to experience certain changes caused by their fears and insecurities, which make them break that relationship and not advance on that path.
Philosophobia, psychologically speaking is a anxiety disorder that makes the person afraid to commit to another person on a sentimental and personal level.
Fear to love? Not at all. Rather, fear of the expectations we have of that love.
When we start a relationship with a person, (regardless of the stage of that relationship), we enter a process in which our expectations begin to develop and grow in our minds.
We can see that from the first date we have with someone. From that moment, we started to think things like:
All these thoughts are based on something we want to accomplish, on a goal that we already have set in advance, on some expectations that are present even before we actually meet that person.
On what do these expectations depend? Well of our thoughts.
We always face a new situation in our life based on what we want to achieve in it, that is, on the goal we have in mind..
If you have a date with someone, from that first moment you already go with an intention, with a desire, with a goal to achieve, with certain expectations to fulfill..
What's wrong with that? Well, at that precise moment your relationship with that person becomes a total suffering, that is, a mental task begins in which we judge that person and the relationship we have with them based on whether or not they meet those expectations..
Philphobia or fear of commitment is a disorder that makes you fear a reality, but not because of what happens in that reality, but because of what happens in your mind when starting all that process of judgments and expectations..
It is as if you judge the present based on what is supposed to happen in your future. And of course, that future can:
And the most “beautiful” of all, is that this happens without that supposed future that you imagine yourself, has yet arrived..
Normally, philophobia is a problem that uses your expectations and the thoughts you have about that person and the relationship you may have with them, to judge whether the present that you are going to live with is beneficial for you or not..
And of course, here we have a serious problem. At the moment in which we deviate from the reality we are living and we get into the world of our thoughts, we lose control over said reality.
In other words, we distort reality and make up in a certain way based on our thoughts, which in turn come from our past, which in turn is formed by our experiences lived in it, and that if these experiences have not been very good, it will turn our present into a duplicate of said past.
The big problem when you suffer from philophobia or fear of commitment is precisely the concept and expectations you have about the future relationship you are going to have with that person..
The problem is not the present that you are living with her, but the future that you think you will have if you move on. Either because you are afraid that it does not coincide with what you think or because it is so beautiful that at some point it breaks and you suffer because of it.
And while we think, think and think, our reality is fading into the mist without doing anything to live it, appreciate it, study it or enjoy it.
And we spend our energies thinking, thinking and thinking, until those thoughts are what cause us fear and not our reality. In the end, we end up falling into the effect of fear for things that we have thought and we face this reality with fear, although there really is nothing to fear..
I have worked with many people with philophobia and this type of disorder, and the vast majority turn a normal relationship into a real chaos. Because when you start to think and let your expectations control your present, you are letting your past influence and make you feel the same as you did at the time..
And if you suffered in that past, you will suffer in your present, but not because the reality you are living makes you suffer, but because your thoughts have taken over that work..
In the end, it does not matter what you are really feeling for that person or how wonderful they are, because by seeing everything under the filter of fear you will be distorting that moment and the perception you have of what is around you..
Then it only remains to get away from that person by alleging to yourself that it was necessary for your good, (typical reaction of people with philosophobia to justify their fearful state), without even having had time to verify that that person was really worth it or not..
To control philophobia or fear of commitment, it is necessary to go little by little planting our feet in our present and preventing our thoughts and expectations from influencing our reality to that level.
You need to put on very narrow circles and not get out of them if reality does not tell you to get out, that is, if there is something that I am imagining, I submit it to trial to see if it matches 100% with my present moment, and if not ... Well, I discard it, because it is simply a useless thinking that tries to take me to another world other than the one I am living now.
Fear cannot be endured, it is not fought or ignored, but rather it is controlled and subjected to reality to see if it is real or not. If it is, then perfect because that is what it is designed for, to make us go into a state of alert and increase our survival. If he is not, then let him continue there so that he can only dismantle living a reality in which he cannot influence.
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