In recent years my life has taken many turns. Break up with my lifelong partner, change houses, master's degree, get to know me as a housewife, my mother's cancer, change houses again, the death of my dog, get to know me as a therapist ...
The journey has been long. Looking back, I don't know if it was time that was running or it was me. What I have realized is that there are situations, experiences, that I have a harder time dealing with. I tend to isolate myself, protect myself and get into my shell, and that shell is made of… chocolate! It is so delicious, it makes me feel so good that how not to resort to it. To chocolate or pizza. I can also do Turkish, Chinese or French fries. It does not matter if it is good or not. I'm not even going to taste it. I'm just going to swallow it. Fast. Without feeling anything. That is the goal. Feel nothing.
Food, sports, tobacco, alcohol, video games, television ... even studying can become a great sedative to avoid seeing what we are seeing, not listening to what they are saying. or not feel what we are really feeling.
And it is that underneath that need to run, to forget, not to feel, they meet, or usually find, anger, sadness and above all fear.
Sometimes we spend more time and energy not seeing these three titans than listening to them. And I think clinically this process is called depression, or anxiety, or back pain (to name a few symptoms).
I have learned that anger is important to me. That I don't have to be scared of it and swallow it. What I have had to learn is to manage it. To get it out without hurting. It is only there for me to respect myself and so others can respect me. And there are many things that make us angry, and with good reason! Like when you drop the tortilla when you turn it over. Or when you can't find parking. But even more so when you know that you are not going to see someone who really was important again. And this leads me to sadness.
I have learned that sadness is part of parting. Saying goodbye to a classmate, saying goodbye to responsibilities you didn't have, saying goodbye to the dog (I think I haven't quite said goodbye yet), or saying goodbye to a loved one. And when I am sad and I am not hiding I can receive comfort, I can allow myself to be accompanied, I can allow myself to ask for help to be less afraid. What can be scarier than not knowing what your life will be like from now on.
Fear ... That really has me between a rock and a hard place. That yes that forces me to look well within. It forces me to treat myself with tenderness, to be understanding with myself, it leads me to grow.
That is why I say that depression is a process of change. It may be part of a grieving process. Sometimes we go through times when anger, sadness and fear take all of our energy. And it practically forces us to drop everything. To stop and see where I am, what I need. And it leads us to grow, to change, to turn our lives upside down. To study and read about something that has never interested us. It forces us to do sports to strengthen that body that after so much activity has become really weak. And we have to do it little by little. Be careful not to step on the same stone and above all, be careful not to end up at the same point again.
Now I know that after anger comes the feeling of power, that after sadness comes joy, and that after fear comes love. That's why you always have to move forward.
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