Positive Discipline

Abraham McLaughlin
Positive Discipline

Positive Discipline is based on the teachings of Alfred Adler and Rudolph Dreikurs. Adler was a student of human behavior whose ideas remain valid even today. Adler developed individual psychology which is applied to improve the interpersonal relationships of the individual, family and society. One of Adler's disciples was Rudolph Dreikurs, author of countless books for parents and teachers to understand the practical application of Adlerian theory. Many of the concepts suggested by Dreikurs were misinterpreted by some adults in raising their children. This lack of understanding led to an inappropriate application of the suggested techniques and adults used them to take advantage of the knots and win them instead of letting them feel like winners..


  • What is Positive Discipline based on?
  • Family reunions
  • Generous and firm father
  • Use the phrase "I have noticed"
  • Know how to choose
  • Natural consequences of the learning process
  • Logical consequences
  • Carried beyond the consequences
    • 1. This is not obvious - This is not logical
    • 2. Focus on solutions instead of consequences
    • 3. Involve the child in the solutions
    • 4. Focus on the future instead of the past
    • 5. Opportunity-Responsibility-Consequence
    • 6. Plan ahead
    • 7. Reveal is the fourth "R" of logical consequences
  • Offer follow-up to your children

What is Positive Discipline based on?

Winning over children causes them to develop a feeling of losers that makes them rebellious and highly submissive. Neither of these characteristics is desirable for children. Developing winning children means teaching them to be cooperative and responsible, to develop problem-solving skills and self-discipline in an environment where mutual respect prevails. Positive discipline emphasizes these principles of dignity and respect between parents and children. It is a discipline based on cooperation, mutual respect and sharing responsibilities, which makes daily coexistence more effective than in a discipline where absolute control or lack thereof prevails..

Positive discipline refers to teaching that helps to understand children's inappropriate behavior, promotes positive attitudes toward children, and teaches them to have good behavior, responsibility, and interpersonal skills through the use of the principles of generosity, encouragement, and mutual respect. . Positive discipline gives parents the tools to guide their children positively and effectively.

Many of the suggestions offered in this training will give you the key to being a good parent every day so that you can help your children gain courage, confidence, and life skills..

Key points to remember before explaining the tools for parents to make their children happy, responsible and individuals who contribute to this society:

  • Remember that the long-range purpose of parents is to help their children develop their self-esteem and the life skills they need to be effective, happy human beings and contributing members to the well-being of their family and society..
  • Select the most appropriate tools or suggestions according to your circumstances.

In order to develop feelings or actions that may be more effective for your child, remember:

  • Maintain dignity and respect for you and your child.
  • Setting long-range goals in your mind.
  • Focus on solutions instead of punishments.
  • Research what your child wants or has decided. This may be quite different from what you are trying to teach him..
  • Try to involve your child in learning to work towards solutions. By engaging him in encouraging him to cooperate and develop life skills.
  • Work flexibly with these tools, as not all children are the same.

Before you start using these tools in raising your children, ask yourself: what did you bring to get from your child? After this you will be ready to begin to know what will be the most effective tools that you will use as a parent in raising your child..

Family reunions

Many family problems can be solved with meetings. These have many benefits for their members. The main benefits are all the life skills that the child can learn, such as: communication skills, cooperation, mutual respect, creativity, responsibility, learning to express their feelings and how to have fun or enjoy as a family.

In addition, they may experience that mistakes provide an opportunity to learn and a stronger bond develops in the family Parents can resolve any dispute with their children by suggesting that the problem be put on the agenda for discussion or resolution at the next family meeting..

Important Components for a Successful Family Reunion

  1. Set a time for the meeting - this can be once a week. At the family reunion it is important that all family members are present.
  2. Prepare an agenda - This should be put in a visible place where everyone can see it, read and write any matter they want to discuss- (it can be on the refrigerator door).
  3. Start the meeting with praise and recognition of the good things each has done. This gives everyone the opportunity to receive and reinforce the comments made..
    • Rotate the leader and scorer positions. The leader is the one who opens the meeting, reads the issues to be discussed, asks who wants to speak, and maintains the order of the meeting. The scorer writes the suggestions and circulates the agreements.
    • When multiple solutions or ideas come up to resolve a situation, vote for each solution. The whole family must agree to the solution presented before it is implanted. Sometimes the stated problem or situation needs further study or discussion so the solution may take more than a week before the family agrees..
    • It is more important to observe that listening to people when they bring up their problems or issues may be enough for them to express a solution or a change. Other times the situation presented requires the family to discuss it more and express their ideas where everyone has participation to achieve a solution.
    • The family should keep an activity calendar and write down the trips and activities they have planned.
    • Some families end the meeting with a game or by giving the members a dessert. The meeting should be fun and productive.

Taking time for family gatherings is helpful, although what is planned is not always accomplished. Parents need to learn to guide and control their children in a positive way. Children should learn to listen and take this activity seriously. If the first does not work, try several more times. Remember that long-range benefits are more important in terms of frustrations and failures. An important part of the growth and learning process is simply failure.

Generous and firm father

Being generous is easy for some parents, but they have a hard time being firm. This action is usually driven by excessive permissiveness. Other parents find it easy to be firm, but forget to be generous. Neither action is healthy for children, as it does not help them develop life skills. They need to be happy, contributing and capable young people..

The formula for developing capable young people is to establish a balance between firmness and generosity. Firmness means properly using the principles of reliability. Generosity means maintaining dignity and respect between both parties (father and son). Generosity invites children to manipulate and avoid responsibility. Dictatorial power (being firm without being generous) invites children to be rebellious and challenge authority. Firmness and generosity guide children to cooperate and to know the borders where they can feel safe.

Ask questions, what ?, how ?, why ?, instead of saying what an action can cause you

Many parents tell children what can happen to them if they take certain actions, how they might feel, and what they should do about the given situation. Guiding children in the development of their own knowledge and judgment is a mistake because it takes away the opportunity to learn. Teach children how to think better. We can help them develop their thinking and judgment skills. We can ask them, what is happening? Why do you think that is happening? How do you feel about them? How can you use this knowledge next time??

It is important to remember that the questions why, what? and how? appropriate only when you have a genuine interest in learning about children's thoughts and feelings.

Be on the lookout for inappropriate questions that hurt people's feelings, such as: Why did you do that? Why do you feel that way? Why do you have anger? It is difficult for people to answer these questions because they feel helpless and have inadequate feelings..

Use the phrase "I have noticed"

Don't ask hatched questions. These are the questions that you know the answer to and the purpose is to catch the child..

Example: Did you do your assignment?
Did you brush your teeth?
Did you clean your room?

Instead of asking these trick questions use the phrase, "I have noticed '" that you have not brushed your teeth, "I have noticed" that you have not done the assignments. If the child answers this: "Yes, I did" then You can say "I was wrong" or "I'd like to see what you did".

Know how to choose

Give the child at least two options. There are times when choosing is not the most appropriate. This occurs specifically with young children. It is not appropriate to choose between going to school or not going. hurting someone, or being in a risky situation like climbing on the roof of a house.

You can accept certain options that children can choose, such as; take piano lessons or decide not to take them, go to bed at 8:15 or 8:30 at night, put dirty clothes in the right place or put them dirty. If you are not willing to leave your child without money or laundry, give him no options..

Young children need limits to choose. As they get older, they need more alternatives to choose from unless you don't face them in a power struggle..

Natural consequences of the learning process

The natural consequences are simple and very effective in e! learning process. These occur naturally, for example: when you stand in the rain, you get wet; when you forget to eat, you get hungry: when you don't wash your clothes stay dirty.

Logical consequences

The logical consequences are a bit more complicated. Parental intervention is required when the natural consequence is not appropriate because it may be harmful or may hurt someone. This consequence can be far-reaching, for example: having to fix your mouth because you have a damaged tooth. The three "Rs" of logical consequence provide a guide, these are: related, respectful and reasonable. These apply to both parents and children.

The logical consequences can be verbal. If the young child treats the dog in a harsh manner, immediately separate the child or dog from being together. If the child doesn't put the dirty clothes in the laundry basket, don't say anything; just don't wash her clothes. Have faith that in time, your child will grasp their responsibility..

Carried beyond the consequences

Many parents and teachers use logical consequences as a way for children to pay for an event rather than focus on future solutions. They think they develop a punishment using words with logical consequences. There are eight suggestions to make sure that the consequences will not be disguised or disguised punishment.

1. This is not obvious - This is not logical

One of the most popular questions we hear is: What will be the logical consequence for any action? The answer to this is: if the consequence is not obvious, then it is not appropriate.For example, when a child draws pictures on the wall, if we use the three guide words to analyze a consequence (related-respectful-reasonable) what is The wait is for the child to clean the wall where he drew. If it is very small, at least you should help clean it.

2. Focus on solutions instead of consequences

Instead of looking at the logical consequences, it is more effective to look at the solutions. It is a mistake to think more about the logical consequence of each behavior. We try to put less emphasis on the consequences and more interest in solving the problem.

3. Involve the child in the solutions

Children are a great resource to whom, many times, we do not give them the opportunity to demonstrate it. They make the agreements more willingly when it is something related to their things. They develop self-confidence and healthy self-esteem when their recommendations are heard and taken seriously. When we value their contribution, they experience a sense of belonging. Then they behave better and are more willing to learn from their mistakes and to work on problem solving..

4. Focus on the future instead of the past

Another point is that we are more interested in punishment than in consequence, in this situation is when we focus on the past instead of the future. The emphasis, many times, is to make the child pay for what he did instead of looking at solutions that may help him in the future.

5. Opportunity-Responsibility-Consequence

This formula can help define when the logical consequence is appropriate. For every opportunity the child has there is a related responsibility. The obvious consequence is not accepting responsibility and losing the opportunity. Example: a teenager who has the opportunity to use the family car may be responsible for leaving the gas tank at least half full. When the tank is not at half, the consequence is that the adolescent loses the opportunity to use the car because he did not comply with the established agreements. This formula is effective only if the consequence is respectfully enforced, then the adolescent can get another chance as soon as he or she shows that they are ready to carry out the responsibility..

Avoid forcing the child, do not force him to do things by means of punishment by sitting him down and telling him what he did. Instead of punishing him, show him how you could fix this in the future. The punishment given should be based on the consequence of making the child feel bad so that the next time he will do it right.

6. Plan ahead

Children do not feel punished if they can prevent consequences in advance. During the family reunion or problem-solving session, ask him what his suggestions are about consequences for any behavior. This helps them learn the correct behavior. An example of this is asking them the following question: What do you think about using the telephone in an appropriate and beneficial way for all members of the family? What do you think about what would be the logical consequence of returning the car with an empty tank??

7. Reveal is the fourth "R" of logical consequences

If children are not involved in planning, at the very least, they should be notified in advance of the consequences of any situation. Example: they can be told that if they use the room it must be arranged in an appropriate way so that another member of the family can use it. Increasing responsibility and sharing power is effective. If a problem arises in the family and you need help to solve it, you can bring the problem to the family reunion and solve it with the participation of all the members.

Offer follow-up to your children

Offering follow-up can reduce great frustration and conflict with children as they are taught any positive life skills Offering follow-up means that parents decide what the children are going to do and then give generous supervision and firm action instead to give them a lecture or a punishment.

When you talk to your children, give them a short message - ten words or less and firmly. A word can be very effective, for example: when a child under the age of six does not want to go to sleep, take him by the hand and generously, gently, but firmly say, "go to sleep." If the child resists, offer him alternatives, ask him, do you want him to look for your storybooks or do you do it? We have to read the story until 8:00 at night. looking for the cause. Maybe he needs attention, wants to challenge power, maybe he feels helpless, or it may just be for revenge. Find out what the reason is and try to stimulate him, influencing him in a positive way.

What makes children learn? What they do can have a logical consequence, which can be what you say, followed by firm and generous action. The child is learning about what responsibility is. He has the alternative of going lightly to bed and having time to listen to the story or having less time to listen to the story. One of the greatest gifts you can give a child is the opportunity to learn about treating yourself and others with dignity and respect, which will prove invaluable to you..


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