Don't you feel loved? Do you feel vulnerable easily? Do you have low self esteem?
Sometimes I see you wrinkled when you leave the boss's office. Yes, you Manuel, you walk so straight, I see you doubled over and stammering.
But what's wrong with you? Do you feel devastated because you have fallen into a fight? Not even a row? Just for an argument? Just because of that, do you feel less than nothing?
At those moments disappears the adult that you are and the child in you remains? But man, don't you have anything to say? ¿You want to know the formula to feel loved?
Beatriz tries hard to please. It's their nature? Not precisely. Please because you believe which is the way they want it. And she needs them to. You do not feel strong enough to resist indifference, much less criticism from others and appease them as you can..
Her partner, who knows of her fragility, treats her with great care, but it is still not uncommon for him to find her curled up in bed, almost in a fetal position, crying at the slightest setback. And in those moments, no one is able to comfort her.
How can these grown-ups feel so shattered and disappear in a matter of seconds to make way for unprotected children? How can they be deprived of all resources and feeling absolutely helpless, as if they were children at the mercy of mighty giants?
The same thing happens to all to a greater or lesser extent. We carry within us a child or girl, made of the painful feelings and experiences of our childhood, however happy this would have been.
It's like a recording of the feelings of vulnerability that we felt when we were truly vulnerable. When we needed the protection of adults because if not, the world became a real threat.
It is the memory of the panic we felt before stormy nights or the despair of when we lost sight of our parents or the anxiety when we thought they did not love us. It is the return to the present of all those childhood emotions that are reactivated when we feel scared.
So yes we were fragile.
Today we are not, but from time to time those memories are reactivated and we see ourselves as such. Today we know that the ogres will not devour us, we know how to walk our own paths, stand up and look for what we need. However, sometimes our inner selves just get scared and bring to the present all those sleeping childhood emotions.
So he does not remember the men and women we have become and the resources we have been developing; of the gap between the frightened child and the man who protects his children from fear today; of the distance between the vulnerable girl and the woman who stomps in life.
Funny how we become lions if our children touch us. We fill them with affection when they suffer from any setback and we encourage them to draw on their resources. And what helplessness we feel when we cannot avoid their pain!.
“Come on, darling, that you are worth a lot, that with how smart you are, how are you going to let yourself sink because of that? That you are not alone, that we support you in everything, that is what the family is for, that what happens to you is that they are stupid and envy you ... "
How many words of encouragement for our children that we are not able to say to ourselves. To our inner child. And curiously that is the voice that he longs for, ours. That of others, no matter how much you want it, it does not serve you.
Yes, Manuel does not use it when his colleagues tell him that he does not deserve the treatment that the boss gives him when he is not controlled. The same that he has with everyone and that everyone dislikes, but there are those who slip and who feel less than nothing. No, it is not worth it. Think that it is worse with him. And besides, you may think you deserve it. If others only knew ...
Nor is it worth to Beatriz when her husband tries to comfort her. His affectionate adjectives do not reach her, she thinks he says it to reassure her, but not because they are true. Dismisses them
And is that you can't ask to be solved outside what has to be solved inside.
To feel loved you have to love yourself, there is no other formula
You may not have children to care for, but surely you have nephews and if not, a dog. Do you treat them like you treat yourself so many times? Do you give them cold leftovers from meals? Do you insult them when something doesn't go your way? Do you call them disaster at all hours?
Yes, disaster. Because this is how I hear you talk about yourself continuously. What a mess I am! Perhaps you are not very conscious and do not give importance to it, but your unconscious hears it and it remains. And it makes you feel like one
Wouldn't you protect a child? Yes huh? Well, with yourself or you put yourself in profile or much worse, you become an accomplice of the attacker. Yes, man, if when you get a fight I see that you march fighting yourself.
This is the true step to loving yourself: taking care of the child in you and thus, making peace with yourself.
You are an adult but inside you that child continues to live that you pass when they attack him. You do not take care of him, you do not feed him well, you do not treat him with affection, you do not encourage him.
Okay, they didn't teach you how to do it, but what are you waiting for? This protection that adults and parents do in the family, not everyone has been able to have it. I know that your mother is a cold woman, and you have an absent father but that is already the past. So it's up to you to be a father to yourself.
We cannot go back in time. Whatever it was, you didn't learn how to do it. They didn't do well with you and you continue to do just as poorly. But since you don't take care of yourself, nobody is going to do it. So get started.
Start by being a parent to yourself. That caring father, or that protective mother that we all want to have. Well, play that role with the child you were. You can call yourself by an affectionate nickname that they used with you and that you remember fondly. I myself say to myself many times out loud: Come on, Pilarina, you can! (that's what my father called me)
It may help you to take a photo of yourself from when you were a child and give it energy, light, simply look at it with affection and carry it with you continuously.
We cannot go back in time, but we can remedy its effects. Reparenting is about doing with you what you wish your parents had done.
It really works and it is also the only way to love yourself, because if you do not love yourself, if you do not value yourself, you will demand that others do it and it will not come to you because it will never seem enough or you will believe that you deserve it..
And it is that what is inside you cannot be resolved outside
In another article I will explain why some feel more vulnerable than others and I will give you a mindfulness exercise to make peace with the inner child.
Has it helped you? Do you feel it has to do with you? Tell me that I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
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