The importance of a healthy grief

Yes, life hurts, and absences empty us inside!

What a great pain it feels, when we understand the meaning in all its extension of the word never and it is that few words hurt so much when understood. When we understand that we will never see him again, hear his voice, his advice, his smile and that we can only settle for his memory, which is nothing more than scraps of moments that we have joined together so that his memory never fades.

And it is that at that moment we felt as Miguel Hernández said that: "So much pain is grouped in my side, that because of pain it hurts even my breath ... your death hurts me more than my life ".

After that moment, it's time to be reborn, pick up the pieces of being that remain of us and arm ourselves little by little.

In our society death is an issue taboo, It is curious that the only insurance in life is, but there is one of the incongruities of the human being. We must understand this event as something natural, Even if it destroys us, drowns us and sinks us in a well.

The duel is defined as that process extended in the time necessary to overcome the loss of an absence, either due to a death, a breakup or another nature (which despite being different situations share a certain similarity).

There is a large bibliography based on the phases of mourning that we go through, so I am not going to dwell on them much:

Denial, where we do not want to assume reality to avoid the pain it produces.

Go to, Faced with frustration and nonconformity, he fights against destiny, life, God ...

Negotiation, Despite the fact that consciously there is no solution and we know it, we negotiate so that that person does not totally abandon us, that this has not happened, that everything is a dream.

Depression, It is here where we let go of all the emotional baggage and let ourselves be carried away by the primary emotion of sadness and grief that floods around us, as necessary as it is painful..

Acceptance, It is this stage where it can be said that we have learned to live with the absence of that loved one, which of course does not mean forgetting them. At this point the key is resilience.

Of these stages say, that they don't have why be linear, not everyone must go through all of them, there can be backward movement, alternation and even repetition, each person is different and takes their times.

Then how should we face it, what should we do to overcome that hard trance ... here comes the worst and the best: There is not a magic formula. The worst, because I wish we could erase that pain, the best, because it is something that will make us stronger and if we achieve a healthy duel, it will make us value life more.

First we must face the situation. Yes it has happened, we did not want to but it has happened we must take the loss, there is no going back, you have to look ahead.

In second place understand what we feel, Sometimes we feel so many things that we don't know how to manage it, at that moment let yourself go, flow, don't be shy, say what you feel. You have the right to feel whatever you want: anger, grief, frustration, pain, and even relief and peace because that person no longer suffers, they are feelings that emanate from within, you are not to blame for what you feel. Sharing it will help heal.

Learn to live the new situation If the person who has left had a very important role in our life, we will have to learn to live without that figure, it is not necessary to look for someone to replace them, nor to throw all the responsibilities of that person on our back, just ask for help if you need it To say that you feel overwhelmed, that you don't know where to start. Do not hold back, you have been pushed out of your comfort zone without warning. You have to walk again.

Create your own memory the one that gives you strength to move on and that accompanies you all your life, that does not hurt, but that can create nostalgia and melancholy, that wraps you and guides you.

A good emotional management It is essential to overcome that hard trance and some of the tips to carry them out are the following:

1. Make a list of positive, good moments that make you smile and remember that person in a joyful and happy way.
2. Review photos and happy moments in which you realize to what degree that person enjoyed life
3. Perform relaxation techniques alternating it with thoughts of restlessness to gradually reduce its emotional impact (This point would be more correct to do with a therapist)
4. Write him things you need to tell him.
5. Check a list of adjectives about emotions, sometimes the mental block is given by not knowing how to express how we feel and it is necessary to name what we feel, understand it and share it.
6. Say goodbye, tell him everything you would like to have said and could not, what was left in the inkwell and time has made you remember, tell him the efforts you are making to overcome it (And even if you are a spiritual person, ask him for help) . But may that farewell help you to move on and walk with his memory, but not through his need..

If you are a companion of a person who is going through a duel, it is also important to avoid certain non-malicious but counterproductive topics.

1. It's necessary that accompany to that person in their pain until they get used to it, it is a matter of time, they only need to feel accompanied, but the pain is essential to feel it.
2. Avoid phrases of type, "No longer suffers" (What if that person compensated him for suffering by continuing to live), "I know how you feel" (Each person feels death in a different way, so we cannot know), "Is already resting" (Who tells us that he wanted to rest), "You have to be strong" (No, you have to cry, suffer and fall apart to get over it), "Do not Cry". All this can generate anxiety, guilt or frustration
   Replace them for: "I am here for whatever you need", "I love you", "We are in this together", "I am not going to leave you alone"...

Definitely death is something inescapable from which no one can escape, they say that he is the fairest judge, because he does not understand race, age, purchasing power or circumstance. But this should not sink or sadden us, death it must be an explosion of life force, should push us to live with more strength and energy every day.

Live for our loved ones, because if there is something that unites us all, a universal wishHe is that, the day that we are not, we wish that those who remain here, are able to move on. So there is no greater act of love and sacrifice than keep going despite the absences, despite everything,