The 4 Types of Basic Social Skills (Children and Adults)

Develop the types of social skills basic and most important - in children and adults - is one of the critical aspects to have a full life. Some of its most important functions are: building relationships, maintaining self-esteem, reducing stress or getting rewards.

You can have a high level of any type of intelligence, although if you do not know how to relate to people, you will have obstacles that sometimes will be insurmountable..

1. As a student you will have to have good relationships with classmates and teachers
2. As a family member, you should get along with your close people
3. As an employee it is a great point in your favor to know how to relate to colleagues, boss and clients
4. As an entrepreneur you will have to interact with employees and clients

In short, being socially competent is one of the skills that will help you the most throughout your life. Not just personally, but professionally.

Personally because with it you will be able to understand others better, you will make yourself understood, you will respect and you will make yourself respected. You will not do things you do not want to do, you will build relationships, resolve conflicts, learn to communicate what you like and dislike, and you will feel better in social situations..

Professionally because you will learn to establish contacts, negotiate, persuade, lead groups or communicate, your work will be more effective and you will achieve more professional goals.

Some important characteristics of social skills are:

• They are a characteristic of your behavior, not of your person
• They are rules of behavior, not rigid patterns
• They are a prerequisite for good psychological functioning
• They are learned behaviors that are shown in social situations.You can learn them!
• Although it is true that you will have more developed social skills depending on the environment in which you live and your personal experiences, they can be learned with practice.

Types of basic social skills and how to practice them

1-Listen

Listening helps create and maintain personal relationships.

To listen correctly, it is essential to show the person who is speaking to you that you have understood what they are saying. To do this, avoid interrupting him and you can support what he says by nodding or with a "yes, of course or I understand".

A very good listening technique is rephrasing:

• Selective restatement: once the other person has finished speaking, you summarize part of what they said and what you want the conversation to focus on.
• Restatement by summary: once the other person has finished speaking, you summarize what they said. In this way you can confirm if you have understood correctly and tell the interlocutor that you have been listening.
• Reformulation in echo: it is simply a matter of repeating the last words that the interlocutor has said. With this you make him understand that you have been listening and also encourage him to continue explaining what he was talking about.

This is called active listening; participate in the conversation by transmitting to the interlocutor that we understand them.

Other forms of active listening are:

• Clarify: it is simply asking about some aspects of the conversation so that the other person perceives that you are listening.
• Feedback: refers to giving your opinion on the content of the other person's message.
• Listen with interest and empathy: take a real interest in what he is saying and learn to put yourself in the place of the other. Ask yourself: How does it feel? What is your intention in communicating that to me?
• Open listening: refers to not selecting what you want to hear and avoiding believing that others have nothing important to say. To listen openly, put yourself in the other person's shoes and pay attention to the details of the information they give.

2-Ask

To stimulate conversation, start with open, general questions and continue with closed questions.

With questions, in addition to obtaining information, you convey to the other person that you are interested and that you are listening to them. An open question would be what worries you about all this and why? A closed would be How old are you?

3-Talk

Speak positively, avoid transmitting negativity because they will associate you with it.

• Find points of agreement with the other person, express them and try to solve the difficulties
• Acknowledge your own mistakes
• Uses simple but not vulgar language, the present and short sentences
• Use direct words (I think, I want, I feel)
• Avoid words associated with problems (problem, doubt, concern), doubtful (I think, it seems to me), outright (you are not right, never, you are wrong) or that ask for confidence (believe me).

4-Assertiveness

Assertiveness is the ability to respect others and make ourselves respected by others. Here are some resources to develop assertiveness:

• Seeking agreements: it is a skill that is related to negotiation. It is about reaching win-win agreements, avoiding extreme positions in which only someone wins or loses.
• Assertively oppose: if someone is insisting you to do something you do not want (which often happens, for example with salespeople), you can directly say “no” without feeling guilty, giving excuses or explanations.
• Broken record: it is about repeating a "no" or a no + phrase repeatedly after a request from the other person or when they try to manipulate you. Try to do it calmly and avoiding using the same words. For example:

Salesperson: Are you then interested in the product?

Client: no, I have a similar one.

Seller: yes, but this one is better because it has X built in.

Customer: no, I already bought one.

Seller: yes but it has X incorporated and it will last longer.

Client: no, the one that works for me is fine for me.

Seller: ok thank you very much.

• Facing criticism: it is based on facing criticism in a constructive way. You can do this by asking for details about the review (how, what, who) and information. In this way, you will be able to know well what the other person wants to convey. It is convenient that you partially agree with the criticism if it is true or could be, respect the other person, and give thanks. On the other hand, a criticism launched by a person with criteria is not the same as another by someone without enough information.
• Request behavior changes from another person: in this case a series of problems may arise such as; a) accusing the other of having problems, which will worsen the conflict, b) accusing the other of always showing the behavior you want to change, c) believing that they behave in this way maliciously and d) expressing only negative consequences.

To do it correctly you must: assume the problem, describe the behavior you want to change, state the consequences of the behavior change, express how you feel about the problem and end by requesting the behavior change in a concise and clear way.

For example:

"Ana, I would like you not to smoke inside the house, it makes me feel bad, I would be more comfortable if you can smoke outside please".

• Self-disclosure: make others feel open towards you and begin to have confidence. It is based on telling the other person what you like about them: “I like the way you dress”, “congratulations on the passed exam”. Maintain a pleasant facial gesture and affirm something that is coherent and real.
• Fog bank: used to avoid a direct conflict when a person speaks to you aggressively or makes an attacking comment. It is based on saying unexpected responses to curb aggressive behavior.

Example:

Juan: those clothes you wear are very ugly

You: it's ugly but I love it (smiling)

The motor and cognitive components of sociability

Because social skills are behaviors that people show in situations of social interaction, they are specific responses to these situations and therefore, you will have to learn flexible behaviors to each situation.

In social behavior, the motor component (movements and verbalizations) and the cognitive component (thoughts) stand out..

Motor component

Regarding the motor component, it matters what is said (verbal) and how it is said (paralinguistics and non-verbal language).

Some aspects of effective non-verbal and paralinguistic communication are:

• Look: direct, horizontal and relaxed. With it you can indicate that you serve the other person and are interested. Do not keep it too fixed because it can be interpreted as intimidating.
• Facial expression: expresses the emotional state and indicates attitudes towards what is said or heard and towards the other person. You must show a consistent facial expression with what you say.
• Smile: be sincere and consistent with the situation. It indicates a close and friendly attitude. Inconsistent or unnatural smiles have the opposite effect.
• Posture: straight and relaxed. Not overly firm, not overly relaxed. Communicate attitudes and emotions.
• Gestures and facial movements: clarify or support what is said, indicating attitudes and moods. Avoid repetitive gestures and show gestures consistent with your mood.
• Distance: the closer the relationship, the less personal distance there will be.
• Personal appearance: convey a physically and psychologically cared appearance.
• Language: speak clearly and fluently. The tone of the voice shows the attitudes and moods. Avoid monotony and think about what you are going to say to avoid misunderstandings.

Cognitive or thinking component

These are the most frequent negative thoughts in social situations and that you must correct:

• Hyperresponsibility: “I have to take care of the other person” or “I have to be there so that everything goes well”. You can change that thought to "I can take care of it because I like it, although not always since I have other things to do" or "I can help although it is not necessary that I always be there".
• Personalization: you think that others speak or refer to you. You can change that thought to "they are not looking at me, there are other things they may be doing".
• Negativism: always seeing things in a negative way. "Nobody likes me" you can change it to "some people like me and others don't".
• Guilt: for example "it is my fault what happened" you can change it to "part of it is my fault although I have learned from it".
• Emotional reasoning: believing that your emotions depend on others. "I feel sad because these people don't love me" you can change it to "I feel sad because I tell myself negative things".
• Generalize: for example "I always speak badly in public" you can change it to "on that occasion I could do better".

Why do some people have social skills and others don't?

There are several explanations:

• The person has not had an adequate socialization process or has no experience, therefore they do not have appropriate behaviors
• The person does not feel the need to change because they do not analyze or interpret situations well
• Because the person has lived a previous negative experience that has generated anxiety and from that, they stop socializing to avoid it
• Negative self-assessment
• Not being aware of your rights as a person: the right to give your personal opinion, to say no, not to do something
• Lack of social contacts
• Unskillful social behaviors have rewards, too. For example, a violent person may take things away from others or get rid of pressure from other people..

Can social skills be improved?

Of course, they can be improved, specifically through learning and experiences:

1. Observe someone who performs social behavior correctly.
2. Practice.
3. Correct.
4. To perfect.

Conclusions.

1. The application of social skills serves to improve personal relationships, depression, anxiety, stress, alcoholism, improve the quality of life ...
2. You can train them and the more you practice the more you will develop them.
3. The most important are: listening, asking, speaking and assertiveness.

And have you already started practicing social skills or are you teaching them to your children? I am interested in your opinion. Thanks!