The toxic mothers They are those who have a negative view of the world, are usually destructive, victimizers, possessive, controlling, sometimes manipulative, and do not help their children's personal or professional growth (even if it is not their intention).
It is important to bear in mind that the maladaptive relationship can come from the mother, the father, the grandparents, and ultimately from any person who is the reference in the child's education. But in this article we are going to focus on toxic mothers..
In most cases, behind this form of relationship there is a fear on the part of the mother of loneliness, of not being needed by her children and of being left alone when they grow up. But it is precisely this in which their behavior can derive, because in most cases, when the child becomes an adult, they move away from their mother and from this harmful relationship.
Next we will explain the characteristics of this type of mother-child relationship. It is important to be able to identify it as the first step to find a solution.
If you think that you may be suffering the effects of a toxic relationship with your mother or if you consider that you are involved in this maladaptive relationship with your child, it is advisable to consult a professional. The sooner this type of relationship is modified, the less consequences it will have for the child, adolescent or young person.
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Although the concept of the toxic mother has been used frequently in recent years, it first appeared in 1990, in the book entitled “Parents Who Hate”, written by psychologist Susan Forward.
In his book, he describes toxic parents as those who, for different reasons, cause harm or suffering in their children through manipulation, abuse, neglect, etc. from when they are children to the adult period.
Each person is different, has different experiences and a different personality. For this reason, the following characteristics can be manifested in one way or another depending on the person.
Therefore, it must be borne in mind that not all people who have a toxic relationship with their children will have the same characteristics or with the same intensity. Knowing this, the main characteristics of a toxic mother are:
And for this reason, they use the relationship with their children as a way to cover their gaps and needs. If the children begin to be autonomous and independent, she suffers from strong anxiety because they no longer need it and she is afraid of being alone in the future.
To prevent this from happening, they often transmit to the child the same lack of self-esteem and insecurity that she has. Thus, the child will never be self-sufficient and will depend on her in all aspects of his life.
Usually the toxic mother is a person with the need to control every aspect of her life. In the same way, you try to control all areas of your child's life.
Exercising this control is his way of expressing love and affection for others, therefore he sees it as something positive and necessary in his relationship with his son / daughter. You may even get angry if your child decides to make another decision that has not been indicated by her..
By practicing this overprotection, you are preventing the child from being autonomous, from acquiring a certain independence and thus being able to learn from their mistakes.
It is common to hear in these mothers phrases such as "I do not want you to make the same mistakes as me", "I want you to achieve what I could not", and so on. But at no point do they wonder what their child wants or needs. This is also a way of expressing their love and affection, but they are not aware that their child can choose another path and that he is not being ungrateful for it..
It is usual that when the son expresses his disagreement they get angry for not following his advice. If they ignore him in his recommendations, he thinks that they are being inconsiderate or disregarding his advice.
They almost always use emotional blackmail. When children try to be independent, these mothers often take offense and express that they feel rejected. With this, they get their children, faced with the possibility of hurting their mother, to change their behavior or to do it in secret so as not to make her suffer..
In this way, in many cases children do things they do not want, accumulating resentment against their mother for forcing her to make these decisions..
In many cases it may happen that the mother expresses a double found wish. On the one hand, you want your child to succeed in what he / she does and achieve many achievements, but on the other hand, you do not want them to surpass them under any circumstances. These kids get a very confusing message.
On the one hand they are expressing to them that they have to succeed in life and pursue their goals, but on the other that they cannot overcome them because then they would cease to be the center of attention. On the contrary, a mother with a normal and appropriate behavior is always going to be happy with the achievements of her children.
At other times, she can use different diseases and conditions so that the children are always aware of her. It is common in these cases, that they use manipulation to get them to do what they consider correct using arguments such as "if you don't leave that relationship it will give me a heart attack" or "don't give me any more annoyances, I feel very bad".
On these occasions, the mother does not take care of her children correctly, they do not attend to their basic needs and it is frequent that the Social Services have to intervene. In some cases the roles may even be reversed.
In this way, it is the children who, from a very young age, have to take care of the mother, find a way to survive, make food and keep the house clean, etc..
Everything must be done according to their criteria and they do not admit that the children have other opinions or choose other alternatives. From the type of friends they must have, to the career they must study, to the job they have to do.
It is also common for them to give their opinion on everything related to the couple when the son finds her. From how you should behave in your relationship, when you should have children or when to get married and how. This often leads to confrontations if the child begins to disengage from the relationship and show greater independence..
In many cases, the dysfunctional relationship can lead to any type of abuse. The consequences that this fact has for the child are much more dramatic and lasting in this case.
It is common for these types of mothers that nothing their child does is entirely correct, so they abuse destructive criticism in all aspects of their lives. This behavior becomes another common way of undermining a child's self-esteem.
Criticism is also often directed against the family unit itself. They show anger and discontent at the type of family they form because they think they deserve better.
They tend to manipulate and use their children to achieve their own interests, although they make them think that what they do is always for their good. If the children become aware of this manipulation, they feel very offended and deny that this is so.
They think that their son can only enjoy and be happy in their company, that no one will understand and take care of him as she does. So when the child or adult establishes satisfactory friendship or partner relationships, they usually put all their efforts to boycott them because of the jealousy that it produces..
You think you are the only one worthy of your child's attention and therefore no one is good enough for him or her.
She thinks, and this is how she lets her children know, that everything they are and everything they have done in life they owe to her. She has been in charge of taking care of him and doing everything for him and therefore they must be at his service and please him in everything he requires as a token of appreciation..
Often, both directly and indirectly, they tend to remind them that without it they are nobody and that they have no value on their own. It is very possible that it is a projection of their own feelings, but this generates in the child a lack of self-esteem and self-confidence since they are small.
When he reaches adulthood, it will be very difficult to modify this type of belief and he will most likely become an insecure person without autonomy..
Of course, this type of behavior and behavior of the mother will have consequences for her children. Sometimes these can last for a lifetime, having a decisive influence on the emotional health and happiness of the person.
For this reason, it is especially important to detect if you are in a relationship of this type in order to intervene as soon as possible. Some of the consequences of this type of relationship for the child are:
This feeling of guilt can be towards what happens to your mother or anyone else in your environment. If for a long time they have been held responsible for all ills, it is very likely that in adulthood they will continue to feel guilty for everything bad that happens to the people around them.
In cases where they have never felt the true love and affection of a mother, they feel a great emptiness that cannot be filled with any other relationship..
It can also happen that the damage and pain that they have done is extrapolated to all the people around them, that they do not trust anyone and that they feel resentment against all those who try to enter their life.
As throughout their lives they have been stressed that what they have done is not the right thing to do, they feel incapable of making an adequate decision, for this reason in many cases they live in a continuous state of indecision.
Sometimes this inability to make decisions is due to dependence on their mother, so without her help or advice they will not make any choice.
In other cases, since the only type of relationship they know is this, they end up immersed in relationships that continue to be dysfunctional. Likewise, since they have never been able to achieve independence and autonomy, they look for people on whom they can be dependent in all aspects because they do not know how to direct their lives in any other way..
Both in terms of couples and friendship. Due to their low self-esteem they think they are a fraud and anyone who ends up knowing them in depth will realize this. For this reason, in many cases they isolate themselves fleeing from social relationships.
If you have a manipulative, possessive, negative, or toxic mother, you can act in a way that is less damaging to your life overall. The solutions to take will depend on your particular situation. Let's see possible situations and some proposed solutions:
If you can't leave home but you can change your schedules, try to maintain a daily routine so that you control the time you spend with her.
If you have the financial capacity to leave home, you will have to think about whether it is convenient for you and make a decision. Sooner or later everyone becomes independent, it is natural.
If you can't change your routine and you have to interact often with your mother, the reality is that it is the most difficult case. First of all ask yourself if you really have to interact with her that much. Can you change your schedules? Can you change something so that you don't spend so much time together?
If you have to spend a lot of time with her, it is understood that you have to take care of her. In this case you can try to “reassess” the situation. Try to understand her situation, find ways to entertain yourself while you are with her (music, videos, movies, podcast, books) and find free time to rest.
You can also talk to her and let her know what you think, although you may have already tried.
In this case it is much simpler. Simply limit communication, see if your mother changes her attitude and avoid reinforcing negative behaviors, such as constant complaints, criticism, manipulation ...
You can continue to be in communication with your mother, although you can limit this time.
Is it possible that reading the article you have identified with any of the characteristics or feelings? Tell us!
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