The separated parents They can carry out a series of actions to avoid problems in their children, maintain an adequate quality of life, well-being and ultimately maintain happiness. Couple breakups are never a dish of good taste for anyone.
For adults it is a painful and difficult process, for children an unexpected life change, which they do not always understand or share. They are unpleasant situations that come "as a gift", without them being able to do or decide to change it.
Although the breakup is sometimes unavoidable, its approach with the little ones can be carried out in a less painful way, avoiding unexpected suffering. Children are the most vulnerable to the news of the imminent separation, and the new situation can greatly interfere with the emotional stability of children.
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Although in this article we are going to give you many more tips, these three guidelines are the most basic to follow with your children before a separation:
Those who separate are the adults, who have decided not to continue with the relationship. But the children are not separated from either parent, and they should not hinder the children from seeing the other parent.
The little ones need both of their parents: you and your ex. Remember that you can decide to change your partner, but your children cannot change their father or mother.
It is common to fall into the mistake of releasing disqualifications about the ex-partner, sarcastic tones, bad looks or disdain. Although some comments and tones can be subtle, the truth is that children are sensitive to this negativity, even if they do not know very well to name it.
It is important for the emotional and affective development of the little ones that they keep their parents with a good image, since both are their pillars of reference.
Brothers and sisters are key people in child development. They are early attachment figures, and separation between them should be avoided, since they live in exactly the same situation. They can understand each other, pamper each other, play together and “heal emotional wounds” by venting to each other..
That the situation is difficult for a child to understand does not mean that they do not have the ability to understand what is happening.
Children live in a world where separations (or divorces) are increasingly common, so if they know that things are not going well between their parents, there will be a time when a possible separation will be an idea that will haunt their parents. heads.
These are some recommendations when breaking the news:
At first, the new situation will be difficult for everyone. Parents live a grieving process, with possible problems that have led to the breakup, separation of assets, moving, lawyers, etc..
There are many factors that can increase the discomfort of parents, but, difficult as it may be, they should try to prevent their children from suffering, as far as possible, the consequences of these disagreements.
Know that adaptation will take time, but it will come. Human beings are made to adapt to new circumstances. With patience, love and respect, everything will stabilize. For the first months from the moment of separation, you can follow the following tips:
What most helps the psychological adaptation of the little ones is the absence of conflicts. In no case is it productive for children to see their parents arguing, disrespect, or signs of contempt between them. Arguments at home strongly destabilize children and young people, being the main cause of emotional imbalance in cases of separation.
Another key aspect from the moment of separation onwards is communication between the parents themselves. As parents, you must agree from the beginning the routines and shifts with the children, and work together in favor of a joint education.
Both of you must be informed and take care of all the needs of your children, including economic, emotional and affective, clothing, hygiene, etc..
As far as possible, it would be good for the children to maintain the same activities as always, such as going to the same school, maintaining their extracurricular activities, and doing those outings that they normally did with their mother or father (go to see games football, to the mall, hiking ...).
It is important to let them know that they should not worry, because their needs will always be covered..
In separations, it is common for children to feel a certain hopelessness and, above all, insecurity in the face of the new situation and who will take care of what, depending on what things (such as paying expenses, clothes, university studies ...). The older the children, the easier it will be for them to feel this insecurity of which we speak.
The decisions that will arise about the children must also always be joint, since the children belong to both. These decisions are educational, normative, you pay them when they are teenagers, etc..
It is necessary to avoid the unconscious emotional blackmail that appears before phrases like "with your father you are better than with me" or "you prefer to be with your mother than with me".
Children feel that rivalry and jealousy from their parents, and this situation places them in an uncomfortable position, in which they feel guilty for enjoying the other parent. This will lead them over time not to comment on what they do with the other, when they perceive bad faces or unpleasant comments.
You have to be careful not to become overprotective or to be too permissive with your children as a result of the separation. Sometimes, out of guilt, there are parents who make the mistake of allowing behaviors that they would not tolerate in order to "avoid more suffering for the child".
However, the only thing that is achieved is to add to the emotional consequences of the separation, those typical behaviors of children of permissive parents that are not the most desired.
The time adults spend with their children should focus on enjoying their company. It is time to enjoy your child, and forget about the bad feelings that you could have with your ex-spouse.
Avoid asking questions with ulterior motives about the other parent (to elicit information, to see how their relationship with the other is ...), because as we have already said, children and young people are not stupid, and they will feel terrible when they see dishonest intentions of your father or mother when asking.
Sometimes, with the separation, the little ones not only lose their relationship with one of their parents, but also break the relationship with the family of the adult with whom they no longer live.
It is important to be clear that paternal and maternal grandparents will always be the children's grandparents, just as their father and mother will always be, even if they are no longer together. The same goes for uncles, cousins, etc..
Sometimes this "break" of the child with the rest of the family is motivated by the parent who lives with the child, who cuts off the relationship with his in-laws as a means of breaking the bond that bound him to his ex-partner..
In this way, children and young people lose two grandparents, with the suffering that this entails due to the loss of people who are part of their family and their emotional and affective development..
Instead of this…
For the children, it is a very important change when one of their parents has a new partner, gets married or moves in together, even more so when this new couple also brings children with them..
The transition that involves the integration of a new partner is not easy either for the children or for the father or mother, but in general, the children end up accepting this new partner without too much difficulty and the father or mother does not regret giving step.
Some things to keep in mind in case of a new partner:
The best thing so that this does not happen is that the integration of this person is done very little by little, and does not quickly adopt caregiver responsibilities. Thus, children will not feel that no one is trying to replace anyone, since authority remains with their parents and not with strangers, while they still are..
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