You may have ended up in this article after Googling "I can't forget my ex." Much of what has been written about the experience of couple breakup, It has to do with how to overcome the absence of that person in our life that we cannot forget.
This is probably the most terrible part of all that you face when a relationship ends.
It is also possible that the suffering is prolonged by a simple fact: the inability to forget your ex.
We have all known people immersed in behaviors that lead them to try to get back with their old partner. And all this despite the fact that the option to return is not the best for them..
The question that arises then is Why does this need to hold on to a person who is no longer with you? Is love so great that it prevents you from making a healthy personal decision? o Is there something else at stake?
Particularly if you are a hopeless romantic, this article may leave a bad taste in your mouth. You may not share my opinion on why someone can't forget or let go of their ex. However, I assure you that if you reflect a little more in depth you will find some logic in these lines.
I am convinced that a person who does not let his ex go is very far from doing so for love.
I think there are much more hidden causes at play in this behavior. However, there are three main reasons that prevent people from forgetting their ex:
Let's be honest and accept that nobody likes to lose. Particularly in matters of romantic love, this idea - that this time we have lost - is a dart fired into the heart of the person..
Since we are little we tend to maintain a vision regarding some people that revolves around the belief of possession: "My mom", "my teacher", "my girlfriend".
The ex's search for a wounded ego has to do with him sense of belonging that we grant to the couple.
This idea of ​​possession is natural and appropriate for creating a sense of social acceptance for the child. However, as time passes, the little one learns that there is a separation between his own self and that of others.
You must understand that other people are not yours, but are individual entities. And therefore they are independent from him in their decision making, behaviors and feelings.
It is important to clarify that we are referring to the ego from a colloquial and not psychological point of view. Therefore we refer to the ego as an excess in the self-esteem.
We are convinced that we are so perfect that it is not possible that someone does not want to be with us. This has to do with the definition of egotistical, what is he who feels a excessive self-love.
The second cause is feeling uncontrollable fear at the prospect of loneliness. When this happens, the lonely person looks for a way to return to the known. Try to stay in the comfort zone in which he was with his ex.
However, that "comfort zone" It is almost never something positive for the person, even if he or she assures that it is. We refer here to that person who continues to cling to their ex because they depend on him / her financially, despite the fact that that person may be toxic (violent, unfaithful, jealous).
The fear of loneliness after a separation comes from our neurotic being. Most people confuse neurosis with anger ("Oh, don't be neurotic!", they tell us). However this is wrong.
Neurosis -according to Karen Horney-, it's basically the feeling of being alone and defenseless in the face of a hostile world. In that sense, we have all felt that fear at some time. In the case of the person who cannot forget his ex, this fear is even greater.
The matter with attachment is very interesting. In his book Don't get obsessed with love, psychotherapists Susan Forward and Craig Buck, mention a phrase from one of their patients that all mental health professionals have ever heard: "What do you mean that love is not what moves me! If it's not love, what the hell is it? ".
The attachment It helps us to survive when we are children. When we are adults it is the source of much suffering.
The difference is that in childhood need get attached to someone who provides us protection because we are absolutely vulnerable.
However, people grow up believing that they still need to get attached to someone in order to live their life better. They keep seeing themselves like helpless little children. They forget that they are now adults who can take care of themselves in any situation.
This generates a distrust in their abilities. The way to solve the dilemma is by attaching yourself to your partner who they consider your base of secure attachment.
Here comes the mechanism where they say they still love that person. When they really mean that they still need it.
That is what I call confusing attachment with love. Because, to begin with, if a couple really loves each other, Is there the possibility of separation?
To authentically realize that you still love an ex, you must take time away from him. So you can have a clear perspective of your feelings. Which cannot happen if you are aware of him or her all the time.
If after a while without knowing or seeing To your ex, you still feel like it's love, it probably is.
Breakups hurt us all. However, it is necessary to admit that these form natural part of life as a couple.
Since we start a relationship with someone we must be aware that it can eventually end. By this I do not mean, of course, that we enter relationships with the idea that they will end. But we enjoy them to the fullest in their brutal and beautiful experience.
We must accept that nothing is forever and that if it happens to us, we will carry on with dignity with our lives.
Finally, I want to share with you some tips related to changes in your lifestyle so that you can forget about your ex little by little..
New habits: It is very likely that your day to day now has small empty moments that are the times that you occupied with your ex partner. Try to incorporate new habits into those moments in order to learn to create a new life that you value and fill you with happiness, beyond the life you shared with your ex..
Have your loved ones around you: One of the main problems faced by people who cannot forget their ex is isolation and loneliness. When this happens we are wasting a very great source of emotional support that is our friends and family. Make plans with them, call them, get more involved in their lives and make them part of yours.
Expand your social circle: Despite all the suffering that comes with losing your partner, especially if it is a relationship of many years, staying single or single is a magnificent opportunity to meet new people and expand your social circle
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