We only heal from pain when we fully experience it (Marcel Proust).
This phrase with which I start the post perfectly reflects the essence of it. We can only overcome a grieving process by experiencing all the emotions and feelings that it entails., until we can adapt to the new circumstance of loss.
When we know that someone close to us has passed away and we go to the family to convey our regret, we may wonder what to say.
Generally, phrases such as: "don't cry", "do it for your children", "you have to be strong", "don't think about it", ... All these expressions, although they are said with good intention, are inappropriate in the face of facilitate the development of grief, can increase feelings of sadness and generate anxiety in the person who is experiencing the loss.
Grief is a process, which must be experienced and worked out by the person who has lost their loved one. The first and most important thing is not conditioning the person in relation to how they should feel and how they should act. We must bear in mind that the grieving process is experienced by each person differently, and this must be respected.
It is also important do not inhibit the expression of emotions by the grieving person. Therefore, we must avoid phrases such as "don't cry", "don't worry", "don't think about it anymore", ... Simply if the person wants to express their feelings, allow them to do so and encourage them to do so. Questions like "how are you?", "How are you doing?" Would be appropriate. Related to this, a flight reaction would not be appropriate either In this situation. Physical contact with the person (a hug, holding his hand, ...), always in a moderate way and if the person in mourning allows it, facilitates the expression and transmission of support.
Another important aspect is avoid telling the grieving person what to do or how to behave, avoiding phrases such as "now you have to look forward", "think about your children", ... We must let the person manage the situation as he sees fit and as he feels more comfortable.
The use of the phrase "I know how you feel" is also not appropriate. Each person experiences the loss in a different way, so it would be more appropriate to express themselves through phrases such as "I understand that you must feel bad".
Trying to speed up the grieving process is not a good strategy either.. On average, this time lasts between 6 and 12 months, although in some people it may last less or longer. We must assume that each person is different and needs time to work through the loss and adapt to the new situation..
When a person loses their loved one, their daily routine generally changes, often finding themselves with more free time. With all good intentions, close people try to occupy that time with activities, hobbies, tasks, ... without realizing that this can lengthen the grieving process, for the person does not experience the loss and cannot work it out. Allow the person to decide whether or not they want to carry out new activities and let them decide in what quantity and form.
Regarding present memories of the deceased person, in some circumstances we try to hide them so as to "not make the grieving person suffer". But it is precisely their presence, which can help you to work through the loss, Well, he must learn to live without that person and with his memory.
And finally, it is important to keep in mind that the grieving person will need close support not only on the day of the loss, but also after, when he returns home and must learn to live day to day without that person. It is essential to be present and supportive during this period of grief as well..
Grief is a process that everyone lives differently, depending on many factors. The most important thing is to respect the wants and needs of the person, without trying to suppress, rush or censor them. Actively listen to the person and offer advice when asked. The mourning that is not expressed, spoken and elaborated, is a mourning that cannot be overcome.
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