It is very common to consult a psychologist or psychotherapist for reasons of love. Oh! Love… .! Most people want to love and feel loved, they want to live as a couple and maintain a long-lasting relationship involved and committed.
I share some reflections, by way of recommendation, supported by my experience as couples therapist.
The infatuation lasts a short time, about 2 years. Love, however, can last a lifetime. People have the capacity to love, think about the love of a father to his children, the love you feel for your soul friends, for a family member you appreciate..
The love is infinite and it can be developed. For Buddhists, love is fueled primarily by compassion. The more compassionate the more loving.
We spend a lot of time trying to have a partner and What happens to us when we have it? Do we take care of our partner as we take care of our children? Do we respect it? Do we listen to it? Do we have fun with her? Do we invest in our partner as we invest in our work?
We may have answered many questions in the negative. When we want to look slim we take care of our food, if we want to have a healthy dog, we take care of it and take it for a walk; the same with the couple.
Pretending to have passion, enthusiasm, good communication in the couple, if I am not excited, I do not communicate and I am not a little passionate every day, it is an idealization, but nothing more than that..
Many people want their partners to fulfill all their expectations: that they be friends, lovers, colleagues, personal trainer, lawyers, psychologists, managers, computer scientists ... This is impossible, it is an illusion, an ideal, but it is not something within the real order.
There are more complete couples than others. Couples who share values, ways of understanding life, hobbies, cultural and social interests, etc. and its members feel more satisfied and complete, but keep in mind that even the most complete couple has its shortcomings.
There are many models of couples: married couples, homosexual couples, couples who live geographically separated, domestic partners, couples with children, couples without children, couples with adopted children, couples who live in different houses, couples who share finances ...
There is no better way than another to be in a relationship and achieve a lasting relationship, therefore, there is no model of a couple that guarantees us success to maintain the couple and love. The chosen model has to make both parties happy, although some couple models are easier for coexistence than others..
The communication sincere, emotional and empathetic it is the only way to take care of the couple and make love grow every day. Keep the mutual interest, andl careful and the I respect so that love lasts and coexistence does not become a battlefield that ends up with the purest love.
Knowing how to respect individual freedom, we do not see things in the same way, and perhaps it is not necessary, this is what I call, learning to diverge. It is necessary to be able to negotiate to reach common points and that the relationship can be lasting, is what I call, converge.
Know how to negotiate to reach agreements. In order to properly negotiate, I need to know express assertively what I want and need. Set limits, where my rights end and yours begin.
There are people who demand that everything be done as a couple, at first you may like it, but it ends up suffocating any couple, we all need to feel free to be able to express: “I want to do this alone " and that does not happen.
Continuing to have moments in solitude is healthy and each one will see what they need to invest in (hobbies, work, friends ...) Being in a couple does not mean being fused, since it suffocates anyone. There are people who confuse love with dependence.
It is necessary to be flexible with the natural changes of the couple and of the life. The couple is not a static entity, that is, it evolves over the years.
It is normal that transformations take place in the couple. A couple is not the same at 30 than that same couple at 50 (children, mortgage, a sick parent, work problems or unemployment)
Couples need to transform and change and sometimes we are not open to change and we affirm: "You met me like that and that's how you have to put up with me", These types of affirmations lead to the failure of love and of the couple. We need to learn to express needs and know set clear limits to what we do not want, this is one of the keys to achieving a lasting relationship.
The two members of the couple are at the same height, what does this mean? That one is not more than the other. One may have more income than the other, but it is not more, it does not have more value, nor more power within the couple. Accept the other as they are without "buts".
Accepting is not trying to change, transform, or manipulate. The other is an equal, he is neither better nor worse. Each member of the couple arrives with their beliefs about how things should be and done in the couple, sometimes, we believe that ours is the best, without stopping to think that maybe we are not so successful.
In the couple is where we have more intimacy. There are people who believe that being in a couple is to always be happy and in love, as in the end of the stories: "They were happily ever after".
Sometimes there are very strong crises. Crises can be experienced as an opportunity to grow, to evolve, and always remember that they are temporary, that a crisis does not last 100 years, and that well-managed crises always make us grow and strengthen ties. Lasting relationships are characterized by openness to love.
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