Risks of being married or engaged with the oldest child

The eldest son is attributed characteristics related to his position, such as: his leadership capacity, paternal affections, roots in family customs and protectionism, the latter especially attributed to his role as caregiver, when there are other siblings. The first-born has been and continues to be a source of pride for many parents, said child represents the beginning of a family and a new stage in the life of a couple. In past times it was desired that the eldest be born a man so that the lineage, the inheritance, and perhaps because of the ego, the father in particular wanted to see his projection, representing his ideals and dreams in the figure of this descendant. However, the eldest child could also bring frustration when her pregnancy constituted an unwanted “surprise” for the parents and, on occasions, the reason for the forced union between them. These expectations are still preserved today, of course, with some nuances.

In the first-born the parents inaugurate their function and like any first experience, it is where the errors in the application of the theory -if there is one- are evident. The greatest difficulty arises in the manifestation of the emotional conflicts that the couple has; being up to this moment, tenants hidden in the unconscious, that arise unexpectedly and that on many occasions are denied. Due to all this, the eldest child causes many changes in the world of the couple and depending on the degree of consciousness of the new parents, it can cause certain consequences in the first-born. Some of them can determine the emotional and / or psychological behavior of the child in adulthood.

The older child can be emotionally charged; being one of the consequences to be highlighted, that of the “child provider”. Being a "provider" brings with it harmful results when it comes to forming a couple and family in adulthood. Let us observe some of the most frequent attitudes to identify the presence of the phenomenon:

• It can be the "bachelor", if they marry, they do it at an advanced age.
• He is the "eternal boyfriend", a man who is a very good boyfriend, but comes out terrified when he is spoken of marriage and children. So if the years go by and this man is not about to fulfill your wishes to formalize the relationship more, much care woman!
• It is also about the "womanizer" who jumps like a frog among a mosaic of women, without committing himself to any.
• If he does not have younger siblings, he is usually a good father (I will explain why later).
• He usually lives with his mother until old age or lives very close to her (The appropriate age for emancipation is between 25-30 years).
• His encounters with the opposite sex are more focused and focused on sexual contact, he is the typical man who seduces and seeks sex quickly and quickly, "a handyman".
• When he is out of the distance radius of his parents, he calls on the phone or desperately seeks to contact them.
• He prioritizes the economic needs of his mother over those of his wife and children, if he is married.
• He is looking to marry a woman who represents his mother. It is this attitude that largely determines the ostentation of being a "provider son." So women, pay attention, if you notice that you are similar to your mother-in-law.
• He visits or meets his parents frequently and punctually, he is the typical man who says: "I can't on Wednesdays because it is the day to visit my mother.".
• He consults his mother constantly to make any kind of decision, ignoring his girlfriend, wife, children or friends.
• If he is married, he seeks to maintain the same customs or type of education received by his parents, he is the one who says: "This is how my mother does it".
• Usually shows a vice, especially alcoholism or gambling.

The above are some of the behaviors with which this phenomenon is identified. Now let's look at the emotional background for a child to become a "provider":

• • From childhood they acquire commitment, mature before their time and develop ahead of their respective ages.
  • The emotional profile of her father is that of a negligent husband; It is about a man who is frequently absent from the family bosom, be it due to his work, a vice, illness, or also, a subject who, even while at home, withdraws emotionally; you have a job, watch television, sleep or any other activity other than being a husband or father.
  • The mother's profile is that of an overprotective woman, a female with great emotional voids, she needs to feel protected by her male; who as a child is her father and as an adult, her husband. In general, it is a deficiency that she drags from a very young age, which as an adult she will hardly supply with her husband [1]. Such a demand leads her to an attitude of over-protection with the eldest (male) child. The need for affection or attention conceals it with a behavior of too much involvement with his first-born, especially if the figure of husband or husband does not exist (widow, divorced). She is the typical mother who needs to be indispensable to her son, prevents him from deciding the smallest detail, is aware of every step that the son takes. Let us observe in the following graph the corresponding relationship of this family:

• The mother trains this child from an early age to meet his emotional demands masked in "maternal care." She is confused, because she does not know that she suffers from a great demand for male protection. This woman forms the first-born male in a way that makes up for his deficiencies, which -even in certain cases-, become of a material order; in which situation the child will be forced to work at an early age to contribute financially to the maintenance of the home.
• The neglectful parent adjusts to the situation. He is usually a wayward man, of little character or with difficulties to be intimate and express affection. His behavior is benefited and compensated by the attitude of the overprotective mother; in whose behavior they hide to hide their lack of commitment and involvement, likewise, avoid change and overcome their conflicts. Logically, if the father does not exist, the phenomenon will take more flight.

Given all the above, the negligent and overprotective attitudes of the father and mother, respectively, are the breeding ground for the first-born male to become a “provider child”. In his childhood, apart from the emotional, he is educated to take care of his siblings, do housework or work quickly. The mother constantly leans on this son, in the face of the father's apathy and complicity - if the figure exists. The father assumes this attitude because he also shows like the mother, a great affective deficiency.

"The provider son" as husband or boyfriend

Generally, a woman's love affair with this type of man ends with suffering, since she, in addition to conquering the son, needs to conquer the mother, and if she does not succeed, confront her. The wife or girlfriend often requires "fighting" with the mother to take the child from her. This relationship becomes a constant battlefield between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, a situation that often “comforts” the man in dispute, since his ego needs female recognition and this is an ideal way to obtain it. So before starting a relationship with a prototype of a “provider son”, the woman must be aware of the terrain she is treading..

The commitment of the "provider son" is fundamentally with his mother and siblings, although if he does not have the latter, he can become an excellent father with his children. This man is often unable to establish a family of his own, as he already has a.

It is possible that this type of man is the partner of many women, which is why it is necessary to start from the elementary, that is, the recognition and identification of the situation. Then, it is convenient that the partner or wife is inhibited from fighting with the mother-in-law since this will cause greater confusion and conflict in the relationship. Among the healthy attitudes to implement, it would stand out never to be his accomplice; clearly stating his commitments and obligations and the key, never do his part. It is about acting, rather than talking, this will allow said man to observe the consequences of his actions.

The worst mistake that a wife or girlfriend of a “child provider” can make is to repeat the actions of her mother-in-law with her own children. The opposite attitude will return the husband and child, the role that corresponds to them and presumably will lead their partner to become aware of their actions, or at least, to prevent close beings (children) from suffering, due to their behavior. Logically, we must not stop reflecting on the fact that when a woman is as a partner of a "provider child", some characteristics are implicit in her that are complemented by the attitude that he presents. When the aforementioned correspondence turns into a recurring conflict, it is clear that these families will need something else, perhaps professional assistance. Everything will depend on the roots of said behavior and the way of interacting of the beings that cohabit with a man of this type.

The mother of a provider child

If a mother is capable of becoming aware that she is training a “provider child”, well, congratulations! It is quite difficult to realize this. Next, the mother needs to begin to free him from dysfunctions such as: taking care of his siblings, getting money to support the family (it is the responsibility of the father or, failing that, of the mother), being the refuge of his sadness, the accomplice or confidant own, constantly asking for help to meet parental obligations, among others. At best, the mother will need to dispense with attitudes such as sleeping in the same bed with her child -even if it is from time to time-, playing the victim, and even stop instilling hatred or anger towards the father or someone who considers him it causes damage, especially when it is small (this is how it makes it its defender). The mother must educate her child with autonomy and independence according to his age. Train him under the precept that "every day, he needs me less", encourage him to think for himself, to discover what he wants to do, helping him to build his own dreams, in the same way, to stop projecting his deficiencies on him.

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