Many people looking for a partner do so with impatience and anxiety. I have seen it in the gatherings that I organize with people who are looking for a partner on the Internet. These people live their single time as a time of waiting, a time of vital quality less than the time in which they are married.. They dedicate themselves to wishing and waiting, without realizing that life does not stop, that it continues to count even if they are waiting..
The problem is that impatience is a poor adviser to make decisions: to eliminate the restlessness caused by impatience and singleness, we choose someone without knowing them well, too quickly. And choosing well is one of the keys to not being shipwrecked in a relationship the first time.. How many disappointments could be avoided by getting to know each other just a little before giving us!
It is a paradox: one wants something so much that we end up sabotaging the desire. How can we avoid it and create the best conditions to mate with a person 10?
Finding the right partner is a project that stands on all fours. Thanks to my personal experience, working with therapists specializing in relationship issues, and my experience as a relationship facilitator, I can share these four ideas to choose a partner correctly and maximize the chances of finding the right person.
Relationships usually develop progressively. In a first phase, two strangers meet: they socialize, share time, fun and activities.
At that time we see who the other is, what they like, how they treat us, what we share and what separates us ... It is true that sometimes, we can feel attracted to someone from the first moment. But you have to take it easy: it's about sexual attraction.
Desire can lead us to burn stages, but then we must be clear that we are putting ourselves in the hands of chance. Hopefully, maybe we were attracted to someone who we will also like as a person, who is worth being with and who corresponds to us. But we are in the hands of luck, as if we had bought a lottery ticket.
If we have taken things slowly, after meeting someone and sharing time and activities, we will reach a second phase of the relationship. That person has captured our interest and there is a mutual approach. A certain intimacy begins, we get to know each other better, we share personal information and we let that person enter a more emotional dimension.
It may happen that that someone who begins to like us did not attract us especially when we met her. But as we get to know someone and like them, our perception of their physique also changes..
The third phase of the beginning of relationships brings physical intimacy and sex. And here we can fall into the trap of rushing. Sexual intimacy makes us feel a connection, share physical pleasure and physical manifestations of affection.
And if this phase occurs with someone we do not know enough, it is easy to idealize the other person, attributing characteristics that they may not have. Therefore, starting this phase too early can lead us to choose hastily.
The myths about love They are another major obstacle that leads us to choose and maintain the wrong relationships. Falling in love has had a literary aura for centuries, but literature, cinema, and fairy tales are one thing, and reality is quite another..
Demystifying love does not spoil it: on the contrary, it helps us choose the right person and do our part to cultivate the relationship. What are those myths?
1. Love can do everything: the love we feel for someone does not guarantee that the other will change their way of acting or their feelings towards us.
2. Love is predestined: we are potentially compatible with many people. It is not true that there is only one authentic love in life, nor that love is eternal.
3. Love as a couple is the most important thing: the partner is not a constant source of happiness, sometimes, or at certain times, it is a cause of stress and problems.
4. Love is possession and exclusivity: we are a complete person, with interests, concerns, tastes, preferences and ideas of our own. Surrendering to a relationship should not imply leaving aside our personal world, but building a common space where the worlds of the two people have a place..
Just as being a couple has not only positive aspects, not having a partner has positive aspects.
1. You establish your priorities in life by your own decision, without conditioning from another person: we can dedicate time and energy to what interests us most. It can be our job or career, a hobby we want to cultivate, physical activity, culture, travel ...
2. You have time to expand your circles: being single does not mean being alone. On the contrary, having a partner is not mandatory, but socializing is a human need. It is time to meet all kinds of people, with whom to share hobbies and tastes, and with whom to test the possible compatibility as a couple, if that is the case..
3. You can enjoy sex without compromise: being single does not mean absence of sex. There are multiple relationship models, including that of friends who sleep together, or that of lovers, to name two. It is time to explore and enjoy relationships based on sensuality, with as many people as you want.
4. Get to know yourself and get out of your comfort zone: being in a relationship is being in frequent company. Being alone leaves us personal time to think, reflect, propose to improve what bothers us about ourselves, propose to learn to manage emotions, dedicate time to personal development, meditative practices, relaxation ...
5. Learn to live alone: Loneliness does not have to be synonymous with discomfort. The feeling of isolation, abandonment, helplessness is a different thing from living for yourself. Nobody is alone. We are alone inside. And if that is the feeling, it is convenient to explore it and try to cure it..
Knowing who we are looking for is of great help in order not to err in the choice. The person we are looking for will be given, to a large extent, by who we are, by our lifestyle, and by our values and way of thinking.
We will need someone compatible with all of the above. That is, with whom we can reconcile a lifestyle (that we live in the same city, for example, if we are not willing to move; with whom we do not conflict in our ways of thinking; with whom is willing to accept our most beloved hobbies. , if you do not share them, or our hours of dedication to a professional career).
Without all of the above, enduring the negative is an almost insurmountable test.
Knowing, in addition, what type of relationship we are looking for, is vital to avoid later upsets. The dual option of staying single or getting married in the church is over.
Today we can be together for the weekend, share a home without formalizing it legally, have open relationships, give priority to a professional career over motherhood (with what this entails), each of us live at home, despite having a relationship with commitment.
The options are numerous but you have to know what we are looking for and how far we would be willing to compromise, if necessary..
As you can see, the issue of the couple is not a pure matter of feelings. Feelings yes, but with a head and a practical sense, it is the best recommendation for all those who want to live an intimate relationship with another person and actively seek it out, whether it is in their daily life or on the Internet..
References
Banús, MC; Ribot, M. From single to LP: in search of love with no expiration date. Barcelona: Urano, 2008.
Muñoz, A. Start a relationship. When you discover that the other person is not what you thought. In Motivation, About in Spanish. Retrieved on January 10, 2016 at http://motivacion.about.com/od/pareja/fl/Inzando-una-relacion-Cuando-descubres-que-la-otra-persona-no-es-como-creias. htm
Merino, B. But you will lie about com ens vam conèixer. Barcelona: Ara Llibres, 2015.
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