As a psychotherapist, researcher and author focused on the issues of love, heartbreak and the couple, it is inevitable that a recurring question among the people I attend or who read me is to know if there is their "soul mate" waiting for them somewhere. moment of life; that being that will make them live a magical and endless romantic story and that will make the old and harmful myth of "they lived happily ever after" come true..
To begin with, I have to tell you that in particular I do believe that there are -and not one, but several-, "kindred souls" waiting for us. at different times of our existence. People with whom we will experience the magic of infatuation, passion, love and company much better than with others that we try. But at the same time that I believe in it, I also know that this belief can be dangerous.
The reason for this lies in the conception of the idea "soul mate". Soul comes from the Latin word soul, which referred to that breath or breeze that when exhaled meant death, that is to say that the soul referred to a vital breath or breath.
On the other hand, the Latin meaning for twin is gemellus, which means double or at the same time. So if we resort to the phrase "we are soul mates", basically we are saying: "You are twice my person and my life breath, if I don't have you anymore, I'll die".
When we remove the romanticism it doesn't sound so attractive anymore, does it?
Also, if we accept that it is so, that soulmates exist, what is a twin? Something identical, your double. And if you are emotionally devastated, with a lack of internal balance and little value for yourself, when your "soul mate" arrives, what do you think will happen?? That the person who arrives will be exactly like you. Therefore the stage will be shaped for a perfect emotional disaster.
Now, I do not want you to misunderstand me, I am not saying that a dose of romanticism when believing in this idea is not something positive and motivating, since in fact this is necessary because at the end of the day we all - and I include myself - are attracted to the idea of that rose-colored tale; but as I have always said, the problem arises from the degrees in which things are created or carried out. To do this, let me explain why I am convinced that these "soul mates" exist, although I do not call them that, but I refer to them as kindred souls.
In my new book Little manual for a broken heart, I dedicate the first chapter to the matter of affinity loving, since it seems to me that it is one of the fundamental milestones to start walking the path of good love. But to do this, first we would have to start by defining the affinity issue.
Particularly in the case of couple love and the search for this "soul mate", the congruent perspective of affinity must be taken into account, which refers to the attraction that occurs between two individuals when they discover that they have common traits, interests, and ideas.
Note something extremely important: affinity leads us to establish a bond with someone but that person does not return to us nor vice versa. This first idea is already contrary to the one generally held as a "soul mate".
Even more important with respect to affinity is that - and although it may seem incredible to you - the actual presence or absence of these early connections in the relationship, predict with an enormous level of success, the future success or failure of the same.
What does the above statement mean? It means that in the search for this "soul mate" the greatest risk is that the person insists on being successful in a relationship that clearly has no affinity or more specifically, that it does not show any of the three types of affinity that are present in the path of romantic love.
Due to the idea that "you and I share some questions that make me think that you are ideal for me", we can ignore all those that are not found or in which there is a lack of affinity, worse still is to insist on seeing them even if they do not exist.
The love affinity then moves through three very specific stages which are: physical affinity, intellectual affinity and emotional affinity. Each of these stages has particular characteristics and the sum of the three ends up forming the psychological bond, which is basically love.
Then the journey towards this affinity united to the couple begins with the physical. Suddenly two beings look at each other and discover a brutal magnetism between them. That force is so powerful that it does not allow you any other possibility than to approach and establish contact. It is what we commonly call "chemistry." This process is so important that it even occurs as a child, when little ones prefer some people over others..
Based on superficial features (surface, not frivolity), the affinity physical allows the eroticism, passion and intimate inclination that is the first step in a relationship. The person is attractive to us in their way of expressing themselves, speaking and even walking, in short, this affinity tells us if we feel comfortable standing next to that individual.
By itself, however, this affinity is not enough. The clearest example is the failure in relationships between people who cheat on their stable partners with lovers. They are relationships that tend not to last because they are based on the pure physical. And, even if they last a long time, the quality of those relationships repeatedly leaves much to be desired. So it is necessary to turn to the second type of affinity.
When the physical affinity is established, if things go well, move on to the intellectual affinity which lies in the deeper knowledge about the ideas and thoughts of the other.
This affinity notably influences the social life of the couple, because it is from here that the members of the same will choose their activities together, since it is not the same if one of them tends more to culture and the other the party is prime, to give just one example. Of course, the above never means that they have to be the same, but ideally the coincidences in this area should be present.
The affinity intellectual It is important because it generates one of the most important requirements of a good partner, which is adequate communication. If the intellectual is out of date, obviously sooner or later this will be reflected and will mean that the productive talks between them are affected in an alarming way, causing the appearance of an enemy of the couple: boredom, which if not stopped, gives way to satiety.
Some characteristics that tell us if there is an intellectual affinity are: they share principles and values, they have very similar ideas about life, they have very similar tastes, they enjoy the same lifestyle (they are both bohemian, frivolous, etc. ) and, the one I consider most important: a very similar cultural level is established between the two.
If you have read 500 books in your life and you think that it will not end up affecting you that your partner reads the newspaper the most when he is in the bathroom, I am afraid that time will show you otherwise..
Finally, the affinity that solidifies the previous two is the emotional one, that is, the moment when people share with their partner their deepest feelings, their most shameful mistakes, their oldest fears and their most intense joys, knowing that the other party will not use them as a weapon against you.
That is, the affinity emotional appears when you have full confidence in your partner.
It seems like a no-brainer but you'd be surprised to know that it isn't; Most people believe that just by partnering with someone, trust is already embedded in the matter, but this is not necessarily the case. And this happens because trust in a strength, not a capacity; which means that it is acquired and therefore has to be earned. Not given from fact.
The most obvious characteristic of this type of affinity is the empathy, which is the way we are aware of our own and others' feelings, so we act accordingly in a congruent way. Empathy at this time is essential because it enhances self-esteem in the couple and causes a better functioning of its members.
To know if you have an emotional affinity with your partner, you can look at: if the understanding with her is better than with any other person (romantically speaking); if it is understood what situations, words or omissions can offend the other and therefore are avoided; in that there is no way to express the couple inappropriately before third parties; if you share a life project together and trust the goodness of the other.
So summarizing this short article (it is certainly a very long topic and does not reach the space), when you get these three affinities, so yes, you have your "soul mate" or kindred soul -after all, you can keep calling her as you wish. But if for some reason, there is an absence of one of these three unions with the other, I think it would be appropriate to calmly rethink if you are in the right place and with the right person. Until next time.
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