2020 begins to come to an end and no one doubts that this year it will psychological footprints in the majority of the population.
The increase in anxiety disorders, the depression or even the divorces arising from the pandemic, but what do we know about increases in child-to-parent violence?
Child-to-parental violence is not a new problem, but it is practically invisible. In 2018, more than 4,300 parents reported attacks by their children, assuming this figure only 15% of real cases.
The circumstances of the confinement enhance risk factors for violence, by increasing isolation and barriers that hinder the request for help and the complaint, so it is expected that in those families in which this problem already existed, a clear increase is taking place, either in frequency or intensity.
Child-to-parental violence is a type of domestic violence that is characterized by a set of aggressive acts that are perpetrated by a minor towards his / her parent, making the latter feel threatened, intimidated and controlled (Paterson, Luntz, Perlesz & Cotton, 2002 , cited by Gámez-Guadix and Calvete, 2012).
In the same way that occurs in gender violence, child abuse (You will observe the use of a son instead of a daughter or both, since statistically this type of violence starts more with the man than with the woman) the parent is not reduced to physical aggression, starting much earlier with insults, harassment and blackmail. Therefore, it is necessary to differentiate the types of abuse that parents can be victims of:
Children openly convey feeling contempt for their parents and lacking affection towards them, "what are you going to know about what is good?" "If you only know how to clean, what do you say to me about studying ..."
Children who avoid responsibilities, blaming their parents for everything negative that happens in their life, believing they have all the rights and no duty. From this position they physically and / or verbally attack, threaten and intimidate their parents.
This type of abuse is the most common, but no less harmful for that. Children who use their parents as "banks", using either emotional blackmail ("you don't love me" "you are the worst mother") or economic ("if you don't buy me these shoes how do you want me to have friends" give more money I'll have to steal ”) to get their wishes.
The big question that arises from just reading the title of the article is How is it possible for a child to hit his / her father / mother? Heredity or learning? The eternal debate.
At present it is impossible to say with certainty in what percentage one or another factor influences the disruptive behaviors. Although it is true that a priori genetic inheritance implies a tendency or predisposition to certain behaviors, the importance of learning to behaviors by imitation or modeling, is fundamental in the evolutionary process.
This does not mean that child-to-parent violence is linked only to the experience of violence between the parents or towards the child, which is undoubtedly a risk factor..
There are more factors that place the child as a potential tyrant child, among them those with the greatest influence on the development of these behaviors are:
Yes, the behavior of the parents is essential:
All of them are some of the factors that encourage violence in the minor. Violence, which does not happen overnight, but is brewing since childhood: the spoiled child tends to become the tyrant child.
So what can parents do? It would be a great solution for each child to be born with an instruction manual such as "take care of me like this and I will be successful" or "to make me a good person you have to ...", but it does not seem very likely ... so for now, we are going to expose some basic educational guidelines:
The educational strategies must be antecedents not arise as a consequence of bad behavior. The rules are not invented on the fly, "if you finish the exercise you can play",
Impose discipline yes, frighten the minor no. Children just like adults need rules and limits to feel safe. The child has to know that a specific attitude carries a penalty and whenever he does that action he will receive that punishment.
It is wrong to base the child's education on punishment or to believe that yelling is an educational weapon.
From primary rewards (cookies), to activity rewards (going to the movies) to social rewards (praise).
The positive reinforcement consists of reinforcing the behaviors that the minor does well, seeking an increase in these at the same time, which decreases the less positive ones.
Whenever the behavior chosen to reinforce is seen, it is reinforced, even if its execution is not perfect. Effort to do well is valued (eat correctly, be polite, do homework autonomously ...).
Teach him to think, to control emotions and feelings from here. Encourage creative and critical thinking. Substitute phrases such as "why am I telling you, that I'm your mother", with "it's good that you go to bed soon because that way tomorrow you'll be clearer to play better"
A secure attachment bond is largely a guarantee of a positive adolescence. Without confusing this with the overprotection that creates vulnerable, insecure, dependent children, with low self-esteem and a multitude of fears. The child must learn to solve their problems, from a puzzle that does not come out the first time to a conflict at school.
It is as important to set limits as to let the child make mistakes, solve and continue. Overprotection creates minors more prone to bad company and to have contact with addictions.
We can therefore affirm that the family is the factor that most conditions the child's personality.
So why are there families in which one of their children has their own behaviors, of what is now called, emperor syndrome, and the other brothers don't?
The answer is relatively simple and contrary to a phrase so typical in parents such as "I have educated everyone the same", not parents, it is impossible to educate everyone the same, and this should not lead to guilt.
To begin with, because each child becomes part of the family system at different times (different age of the parents, different work circumstances, different marital relationship ...) and this conditions positioning towards himself. No two children have the same childhoods, although they love each other the same, it is not natural to behave in exactly the same way.
It is necessary to educate in individuality, each child has needs, aspirations and abilities, and what can be positive for the oldest child can be harmful for the middle child..
It is not an easy task to be parents and it is important to banish the idea of "the more money I bring home the better", the really important thing is to share with them both the moments of punishment and those of happiness, both vacations and doing homework.
Any attitude of the parents supposes an educational act for the minor, if only the mother cleanses, you are already giving a macho message, if only the father is capable of punishing, you are also creating a role idea.
Educating is not easy, but we can make it worth it.
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