I imagine you must meet these kinds of people who are wonderfully pleasant to talk to. They are usually magnetic people, with a huge social circle and that everyone takes into account for anything. But what exactly do they do to generate that charm and captivate with their communication?
The secret of captivating communication lies in awaken positive emotions in others. If others are comfortable with you, they will invariably want to spend more time with you..
Some of the techniques I will describe below can be interpreted as manipulation attempts. But the reality is that those most charismatic communicators tend to use them naturally and without any hidden intention behind them. They have only become unconsciously used to doing it because it has always given them good results..
For other people, starting to practice them honestly and without overdoing it can be a great help to improve communication skills and relationships with our social environment..
Although there is a lot of bibliography where techniques to be more assertive are explained in detail, in broad terms it could be summarized in communicating in the first person, expressing what you feel, and talking about behaviors avoiding using personal adjectives.
Assertiveness is nothing more than the ability to express your opinions and emotions without being aggressive. And one of the main ways to be offensive is to imply that we are judging the other person or that we have the absolute truth. To avoid this, do the following:
Substitute the You for the I. From the moment you start a sentence with the word Your you are already communicating that you are going to judge the other person: "You are… ", "You did… ", "You said… ". This will make you feel attacked and defensive. Get used to talking about what happens to you what happens around you.
Express your emotions, and if they are positive better. One truth that no one can ever take away from you is how you feel. If you like a song and you say "This is the best song ever", there will be those who disagree with you. If instead you say "I like this song as if it were the best ever" no one will be able to argue with you. Your emotions are yours and nobody else's.
In addition, emotions are contagious. It is called emotional contagion. If someone laughs uncontrollably, the people who are watching are likely to laugh too. Therefore, people who captivate speak of the positive emotions they feel, because they spread that well-being to others.
Talk about behaviors and not people. If there is something that bothered you about a person and you want to be able to tell them without you feeling attacked at the outset, tell them precisely about their behavior, and not about them. "Your behavior has embarrassed me" it has nothing to do with saying "You're a shame". You may be talking about the same thing, but with the first you do not feel judged as a person and with the second you do, so it is more likely that you become defensive and do not listen to reasons
In this way you will be able to express your rights and opinions so that people listen to you and do not feel attacked at any time. Your communication will be smooth but firm at the same time.
It is a scientifically proven fact that the more we look like someone, the better we will fall. For this reason, it is very important that you do not miss the opportunities to make it clear that you and your interlocutor share something in common. You can even share emotions.
During a conversation, the usual thing is that a multitude of topics arise and that we jump from one to another. But the most charismatic communicators know how to detect the common points they have with the other person and focus the conversation there. If, for example, you are talking to someone who has a pet snake and it turns out that you have a chameleon, you should first tell them and secondly delve into the subject. However, most people just stick with the first step:
- Well two weeks ago I bought myself a snake.
- Oh yeah? Well, I have a chameleon and it's hilarious.
- Yeah ... reptiles are cool.
This is not the best way to emphasize a common point. The key to deepening a conversation is so simple that it seems incredible that it is used so little: it is just a question of asking why?
- Two weeks ago I bought a snake for my floor.
- Really? I have a chameleon, I love reptiles. And why did you buy a snake?
To focus the conversation on a topic, get in the habit of asking people's motives for doing something. It will be especially useful if you have ever wondered how to meet new people. And if you want to go deeper at an expert level and find ways to bond emotionally, ask too what makes them feel what they do or what they have achieved.
It turns out that talking about ourselves activates the same areas of the brain that are related to pleasure. That's why there are so many people that even if you have the need to tell them something, they invariably end up diverting the conversation towards what happens to them: because they find it pleasant. Every second that they pass without speaking they are depriving themselves of a moment of joy.
But this has a positive and a negative part:
The positive. If you encourage someone to talk about themselves by asking them questions and taking an interest in them, you will get them to experience that positive feeling with you along with the pleasure of feeling heard. And surely that contributes to him wanting to spend more time with you and value your company more..
The negative. It is good to get the other person to talk about you, but without overdoing it. The most common is that people realize that they have been monopolizing the conversation for a while and then they are interested in you, but there are people who do not and it seems that they may be talking about their life for weeks. As they are used to always talking about it, they will not associate that specific positive emotion with you, so try to put a little brake on them..
If you look carefully the most charismatic people do not usually focus the conversation on what happens to them. While they can often talk passionately about a topic for a while, most of the time they ask questions, care about you, and listen to you. Resist the temptation to speak up and dedicate entire chunks of conversation to caring about your interlocutor.
Charismatic people have several traits in common, and one of them is that they are often perceived as leaders.
However, the traditional image of the leader (brave, daring, aggressive) is not exactly the type of leader that generates the most respect. Leaders truly care about their people, so they know that you can turn to them in times of need..
Therefore, for someone to really respect you, you must show that you care about them, that you also respect them. And that is achieved by massaging his ego a little. We all like to feel valued and taken into account, and a very easy way for this to happen is when someone asks us for an opinion, advice or a recommendation..
Take a good look at the people who captivate. In addition to taking an interest in you, they go one step further and ask for your advice. What movies do you recommend, what fiction books do you advise, what series are worth starting to watch… In this way, you make it clear that their opinion matters to you, and that will foster their liking for you..
In a study related to the psychology of persuasion, it was shown that asking for advice is a great way to exert influence even when we are not perceived as leaders. In the investigation, a group of buyers wanted to sell a property. When they focused on getting the best possible price, they only got a satisfactory deal in 8% of cases. On the other hand, when they asked the buyer himself for advice, they reached a positive agreement 42% of the time.
Finally, one of the most effective ways to attract and engage others is simply pay them a royal compliment and credible from time to time.
One of the laws of persuasion says that we like more those people who like us, with which it is convenient to show that our interlocutor has certain attributes that we like (as long as it is true, otherwise it is best not to say anything).
Often we are talking to a person and we are noticing certain positive characteristics about him, such as that he has good taste in choosing the best clothes for him or that he is able to communicate very clearly. However, most of the time we keep it to ourselves and say nothing. Wrong.
If there really is some quality that catches the attention of your interlocutor, it is convenient to let him know once the conversation is advanced. If you do it correctly and without exaggerating or showing too much enthusiasm, just recognizing it as a merit, you will probably be able to generate a very interesting effect: the other person will be flattered and will return the compliment. And you will have generated more closeness again.
If you do not usually do it out of embarrassment or because you think it will be very evident that you are trying to fall better, let me confess something, and that is no matter how bad you do it, it will still be effective.
In one study, researchers showed that even when the compliment was evidently a ploy (when it was done by a commercial who wanted to sell something) it was still effective even in spite of it. So, get in the habit of observing, acknowledging and expressing aloud some of the merits of those people you want to make a good impression on..
Of course, it is not necessary that you use all these tools in your conversations since it would be manipulative if you did it dishonestly and you would be excessively entertaining your interlocutor. Just try to season your way of communicating with one of these strategies and you will probably see how, little by little, people begin to value your company more..
Yet No Comments