How do you resolve your conflicts?

Our life is full of conflicts, some minor, from day to day, that do not worry us or steal too much time from us, watching a program on TV or another, choosing what to eat ... negotiate or get angry, they can make us uncomfortable but they do not cause us serious problems ... .

But there are other types of conflicts that can cause us serious problems, at work, for example, or in our life as a couple or even with our family. Actually What is a conflict? According to the RAE, a conflict is "combat, fight, fight", "problem, question, subject of discussion" "trouble, unfortunate situation with difficult exit" ...

So we could define conflicts in a thousand and one ways but what makes the difference is the way to solve them.

We can resolve conflicts in 3 ways

• Lose-Lose. Where both parties lose. This way of resolving conflicts ends up producing feelings of dissatisfaction, helplessness, loneliness, and frustration. The people involved are distancing themselves due to the lack of listening and the other is often judged from the start without knowing their point of view. Extreme postures, offensive language, and even violence may appear.

• Lose-Win. Where one wins and another loses. Here one of the parties appears as the winner, they do not usually listen to reasons and use force to impose their opinion. They want to always win at the cost of anything, without listening to the arguments and reasons of the other party. On the other hand, the losing party ends up frustrated by the imposition, anguish may appear and may even tend to avoid conflicts, preferring to lose from the outset for fear of clashes.

• Win-win. Where both parties win. Both parties are satisfied and, although it may not be an easy process, factors such as understanding the other, actively listening to needs, empathy and peaceful negotiation to reach a resolution intervene. Usually everyone gives in and everyone gains something. In these situations, people learn that conflicts do not have to be something negative but that they can be seen and used as an opportunity to improve relationships..

Let's see an example:

You need to ask for a day off from work because you have a wedding but you find out that that same day your partner celebrates her birthday with some friends. You tell her about it and tell her that you need the day off but she tells you that she wants to ask for it too.

• Lose-Lose: You get angry, you tell her that you need the day but she does not agree. You start arguing and you end up fighting. So you talk to your boss and ask him to give you free but he does not agree, and also tells you that he is not going to give it to your partner either. You are left without going to the wedding and your partner is left without being able to celebrate her birthday. Neither of you are happy, on the contrary, from here on, your relationship is no longer the same.

• Lose-Win: You decide to go talk to the boss and get the day off, but then your partner can't celebrate her birthday. You get what you wanted but she gets mad at you for asking for the day behind her back.

• Win-Win: She says no but when you leave work you decide to talk to her again. It tells you that it is important for her to celebrate her birthday. You explain to her that it is important for you to go to that wedding and since you cannot change the date, you ask her to please celebrate her birthday one day later, she agrees. You are both satisfied and happy to have been able to reach an agreement.

Behind conflicts are usually our needs. In this example you both have the need to go to your celebration.

In the lose-lose situation, both of you remain unsatisfied, frustrated, angry and probably from that moment on the relationship will no longer be the same and will lead to more problems in the future.

In the lose-win situation, one of the parties is satisfied but the other is not. This seems like a good solution at the moment, but in the long run it may not be. It is possible that the next time your colleague needs something, she will not bother to ask you and go to the boss, which can harm you, in addition to the work climate becoming rare.

In the latter case, in the win-win situation, both of you are satisfied. You have been able to negotiate, to go beyond the conflict, to know the need of the other person and be able to give in to resolve it so that both parties are satisfied.

In conflict resolution the communication It is key, expressing our needs, knowing those of the other party is vital to be able to solve them so that both win. And although sometimes it may seem like the needs of one party and the other do not have to be incompatible. Speak from respect, understand and be able to put yourself in the shoes of the other person, empathize and know what they are feeling.

Speak from the self, from my needs, without reproach towards the other. You can ask but not accuse, making requests for improvement and calmly.

Opening our minds, being imaginative, looking for different ways to resolve conflicts will help us understand them not as something negative, but as something that helps us grow and evolve.ar.

Therefore, the next time you face a conflict, take the opportunity, do not miss it.!