Decalogue of good practices for separated parents

Because of my profession, I often deal with children of separated parents. Unfortunately children often tell me how their mother or father tries to separate them physically or emotionally from the other parent. They disqualify him, they question him when they come to see him, they talk to them about expenses and money, about the new life or the other's new partner ... .

Against this background, children feel used, hurt, cheated. They feel they have to "choose" between being loyal to one or the other.

They suffer a lot. And there is a part of that suffering that has to do with the way we face the relationship with our ex-partner.

Below I have put together a list of good practices for separated parents. They all seem common sense and very obvious. However, I assure you that in practice they should not be so simple to comply ...

Decalogue of good practices for separated parents

1. Do not speak ill of the other parent to the child.

Not in front of him. Not even if we believe that "he does not find out." They find out everything.

Do not disqualify or insult him. Do not criticize what you do, your new life, your new partner ... etc.

Do not speak ill of the other parent's family. They are your grandparents, uncles, cousins ​​... etc. And the child deserves to be treated with respect.

2. Respect the child's right to enjoy and be educated by both parents.

Assume that not only we are necessary and that we are going to bring good things to the child. The other parent also has a lot to contribute and the right to be part of the child's comprehensive education.

3. Do not question the child about the details of his stay at the other parent's home..

We make you a scapegoat. And we generate a conflict of loyalties.

4. Respect the educational style of the other parent, even if it is different from ours..

Do not criticize or question him in front of the child. Because it is different, it is neither better nor worse. Accept that not only our educational style is good.

5. The child's extended family is also his family.

Our son has the right to have close relationships with all his grandparents, uncles, cousins, etc. You may want to spend time with them, or have them help with parenting. A very common mistake is to think that during the visitation time the child only has to be with the parent.

6. Don't talk about money to your children.

Of what one or the other pays, of whether the pension has passed or not. The economic issue is part of the domain of adults, not of children, and we must resolve it between adults.

7. Do not use the child as a "messenger".

Do not send messages or messages, direct or indirect, to the other parent. If we have something to say, let's take responsibility for saying it ourselves. Let's not instrumentalize the child.

8. Respect the stays at the other parent's home.

Don't call every five minutes. Do not boycott them in any way.

9. That the other does it wrong does not justify that you do it.

It is the excuse of the million. "Is that how the other talks about money, me too." "It's because the other criticizes me, so do I." It doesn't matter what the other parent does. You do it right.

10. Be aware of the harm we do to our child by denying the other.

A child, to grow emotionally healthy, needs his father and mother. The psychological consequences caused by not having these needs met are important. Let's keep it in mind and be responsible.