The romantic duel

The romantic grief or process of grief due to a sentimental breakup is a process of emotional adjustment after the loss of the couple's relationship. This process includes different stages that do not occur in an orderly way, but can overlap and mix, but you have to go through them to overcome the process. These stages are:

• Impact. We stay in shock. We don't believe what happened to us. "How is it possible that ours is over if it was going to be forever?"

• Denial. The inability to accept that it is over. "This is only temporary, it will come back, and if not, I will get it back." Highly damaging especially that last expectation.

• Sadness. Vacuum sensation. Grief easily leads to depression at this stage, which is when we get stuck in that emotional state, and that's when it becomes highly recommended to seek help from a psychologist.

• Guilt. They tend to think what was done wrong, what was not done, what could have been done differently to retain the other person ... And the responsibilities of the other are underestimated.

• Go to. Towards the other person, but also towards people outside the relationship, such as family or friends. We perceive ourselves as victims who have suffered an injustice and we bring out exaggerated anger and resentment.

• Acceptance. Accepting that the relationship is over is the beginning of the end of the process; we free ourselves from that relationship that is now part of the past and recover our energy to invest in the here and now.

• Reconstruction. When I stop paying attention and energy in the past, I start to take care of myself and my needs and wants. Like for example, meeting someone and starting a new relationship.

Next, I am going to give you a series of consensual guidelines within the framework of psychotherapy on what should and should not be done to help us overcome a romantic mourning process. But the first and most important is: you have to go through the romantic mourning process.

That is, you have to experience its stages, and that means go through the pain caused by anger, guilt or sadness. The process does not have a standard duration, and according to studies it can last from three months to three years, as you can see, a fairly wide differential margin. There are no magic formulas, but there are things that can be done and not done so that this process does not last forever and is not lived so intensely.

1. First thing: know the romantic duel and its stages. So if you were not attentive to the beginning of the article or you just skipped it, start over. Knowing that the emotions you go through after a breakup, although painful, are normal, helps to de-dramatize and not despair, in short: not to feel worse for feeling bad

2. Cut off any form of contact with the other person. Delete her from Facebook, block her on WhatsApp, delete her photos from the computer ... During this grieving process, what is known as the effect of the flaming butterfly. Do you know of those insects that cannot avoid approaching the light even though the heat it radiates can kill them? Well that. Stay away from the flames, no matter how much its light attracts you

3. Don't idealize. Another very common effect that occurs during a romantic grieving process is the attraction to frustration. Imagine: our relationship with the other person was going fatal, we threw ourselves at each other's heads and, however, it was ending and suddenly we thought it was perfect, our better half ... We are idealizing, as when we fell in love with that person. And it is that what we do not have attracts us. Avoid this idealization by remembering what was not worth anything at all, what you did not like or even hated

4. Take care of your life. That during the mourning emotions such as sadness and anger are very present, it is not incompatible with you continuing to work, going out with your friends, attending family gatherings ... Even if you don't feel like it, push yourself a little, since to the extent that you are able to recover your normal life, before you will leave the process

5. And above all, do not ever come to the conclusion that because it is taking too long or because you still remember him / her, that means that you will never recover from the blow.. Give yourself time, don't blame yourself for having memories. The duration of a duel, as I said, is very varied, and no one, not even the best psychologist in the world, can assure you that your mourning process will last X.

But what I can assure you is that you get out of that process. Think the world is full of broken hearts. You just have to put a band-aid on them ... and hope they heal.