About twenty years ago, when I was a young student, I had to spend the night for some reason that I do not remember in the house of an older couple - older for me at that time, since they would be in their forties, which is my age now-, and was quite impressed when, at bedtime, each of them said goodnight to me and went into their own room.
I come from a fairly traditional family that respects many of the codes that are tacitly established, including of course that the couple sleep in the same bed. For that reason, I was fascinated by the idea that a relationship could continue to function even if its members were capable of breaking that code..
With the passage of time, both due to age and my professional work, I began to understand this mechanism better. The aspect that I noticed the most with respect to this issue was that what the members of a married couple or married couple most resented was the imbalance that causes the passage from the life of lovers or boyfriends to the much more peaceful coexistence of life together.
Leaving aside what other articles on the subject address (which is due to personal comfort, to avoid fights or not hear snoring from the partner) I consider that there is a much deeper aspect underlying the idea of sleeping in different rooms and the heart of the matter lies in the search for personal growth and, as a consequence, of the couple itself.
The underlying issue I want to refer to is the maintenance of desire and eroticism for our partner once it has decided to live together and create a custom. I'm sure this is a topic of great interest to you.
In other articles I have already talked about the three stages of love: Eros (passion and infatuation), Philia (friendship and love) and Agape (compassion and company). When the infatuation ends -which happens between 6 months and 3 years-, the passion also disappears and the desire for the other diminishes alarmingly but normally. If the members of the couple are mature, emotionally speaking, they will understand that this step is necessary and has its rules: eroticism practically disappears but authentic love appears. And this usually happens when the couple already lives together.
But, So does it mean that when we live together we have to settle for having much less passion? Not necessarily. But it is important to emphasize that here this desire is no longer given per se as in infatuation, but we have to help him to appear and stay. And one way may be by sleeping in separate rooms. Why?
In his controversial book Intelligence erotica, the psychotherapist Esther perel addresses the issue of the fundamental space that every couple who aspires to a healthy relationship would ideally have to maintain. This space of "separation" causes chaos at the beginning but with time and the assumption of the members that it can be an alternative that helps keep their relationship oiled, it becomes a very effective ally..
Over time - whether we like it or not - daily coexistence causes passion and eroticism decline in conjugal couples. These aspects are buried by the routine that fills what Eros used to occupy with responsibilities of another nature (children, work, home obligations). Couples who can't find a way to keep this vital spark burning end up having more trouble over time.. They forget, so to speak, to maintain a mysterious distance that allows them to maintain the other as an erotically attractive partner..
In his book, Perel refers to this distance as the space erotic, that is to say, the place where the members of the couple miss each other, think about each other, yearn for each other and, therefore, it is where the desire grows. In the author's words: “… love seeks closeness, shorten the space, the distance between two people, reduce threats, it wants to have. However, desire is wanting and to want some psychological distance is needed, a space between one and the other, an alterity is needed. This is the erotic space ".
Although Perel, in this quote, refers to “psychological distance”, I think it is important to emphasize that it is the physical distance that greatly helps to elaborate the psychological distance. How many times have we not spent time - perhaps due to travel, work or illness - away from our partner and we feel that our desire for them grows? Our mind follows the path that physical absence traces. This otherness can be carried out in the exercise of sleeping in separate rooms by mutual agreement..
But it is important that this decision is made by the couple as a means of growth, not as an excuse. I mean that when both members have discussed and assessed the pros and cons of a decision like this and accept it as a way to provoke a new challenge in their relationship, it is more likely that there will be a positive result than if only - as most of them do. of the time-, this decision is made abruptly either for a fight, simple comfort or as a way to get away from the partner.
As I said before, marriage or life under the same roof carries a huge paradox, much criticized, rarely understood and no longer said accepted: Although the couple's decision to live together generates a deep commitment between its members, it deteriorates the eroticism between them.. This is a normal process in the couple's path and denying it is like trying to cover the sun with a finger (and if you are a hopeless romantic this idea will surely be a kick to the liver).
So with more reason it is necessary to search for a dynamic that, as Esther Perel says, maintains the force of eroticism. And trying to sleep in different rooms could give it.
Because, I repeat, sleeping in separate rooms doesn't mean the marriage is falling apart. In fact, currently the proportion of couples who do so is growing so that the architects who design modern conjugal housing take into account primarily the location of two main bedrooms in the same. It is even these same architects and designers who in their studies on the matter point out that the habit of sleeping in the same bed had a more economic reason than a love one.
During the Industrial Revolution The cities began to have more inhabitants, which caused the living spaces to be dramatically reduced, thus giving the need for the houses to only have a large room for the married couple and a small room for the children. However, there is evidence that many Cultures such as Egyptian or Greek had a personal room for each member of the couple.
If anything, trying this may mean turning the relationship around and cause an increase in desire for our partner. We can see it more mysterious if we perceive it distant and - up to a certain point - far from our reach. Because we must not forget that the word desire basically means "wanting to have what you do not have." The truth is that whether or not this custom works depends on each couple. Probably a more emotionally mature couple or more practical in finding solutions that improve their relationship, you will have a better chance of efficiently applying and maintaining this solution.
Nor is it about shutting yourself up in your space and not letting the other get close. A couple I know has an unspoken rule that I think is a good idea: despite having separate rooms, whatever happens at least they sleep together two days a week. What I mean is that this can be a great option as long as it doesn't become a rigid concept because it would lead to what you tried to avoid in the beginning: loss of charm and surprise in married life.
To conclude and to all this about whether or not it will work to sleep in separate rooms, what I know is that the couple I told you about at the beginning of this article is still together, twenty years later, and each one in their spacious and comfortable room. Until next time.
Yet No Comments