Many people wonder if it is possible to love two people at the same time.
I do not want to give a simple answer from the beginning, but to invite the reader to reason with me, to see if we reach a conclusion in a systematic way, and based on psychological knowledge.
To achieve this, we need to put the question in context in two ways. First, you have to describe the stages in the life of a relationship, because the answer may be different for each stage.
And second, it is necessary that we define the elements that constitute romantic love, in order to clearly distinguish the concepts.
Each stage in a couple's life has different dynamics and possibilities. Seen in a long-term context, there is an initial stage and three subsequent stages in a couple's life..
The first stage it is that of enchantment, in which there is infatuation and obsession, usually accompanied by tension and anxiety. The process of feeling anxious and vulnerable, until the other responds, is the first element of love.
Anxiety and vulnerability create the need for comfort and to find security in one another. I think it is not necessary to elaborate on the description of this stage because it is very familiar to all of us.
The second stage it's called formal bonding. Many relationships fail when it comes time to make an explicit commitment, which often takes the form of expressing the desire for marriage or permanence..
Simple cohabitation does not entail commitment. In fact, couples who cohabit without formal commitment have, statistically, more likely to get divorced if they get married.
The third stage it is parenthood. The quality of the relationship may feel diminished with parenthood. Less money, less sleep, more homework, and more parenting conflicts. Above all, less time for intimacy and sexual intercourse, and often less libido in women.
As is to be expected, the parents who bear the worst paternity are those who suffer from insecurity in their style of loving and letting themselves be loved, as we will see shortly..
Securely attached couples are not immune to the difficulties of transitions, but they handle them better, because they have more faith in their partner and in the ability to adapt to new circumstances.
Finally, the fourth stage it is that of mature love. A secure bond facilitates the transitions that come with aging, such as the departure of children, retirement and aging.
Sometimes, when the children leave home, problems and latent gaps in the marital relationship are exposed and surface. This new type of stress can increase the propensity to seek comfort outside of the relationship and open up to the possibility of an enchantment..
Couple love has three elements: enchantment or infatuation, emotional connection and commitment.
Of these three elements, we know the first and third quite well, but the second is usually shrouded in mystery, despite the fact that it is the key factor in answering the question we have posed. That is why I have deemed it necessary to briefly describe the concept of emotional attachment in the couple relationship.
We all learn a certain attachment style very early in life, perhaps before we can reason, based on the attachment experience we had with our parents or primary caregivers..
Some people develop a style of secure attachment: They learned to trust that they are worthy of being loved by their closest ones and to love without insecurities.
These people have a high probability of success in their relationship, because they have learned to identify, express and properly manage their emotions in their intimate relationships. However, most of us have developed imperfect and insecure styles to love.
That insecurity comes in two flavors: anxious insecurity and evasive insecurity.
Insecurity, in any of its forms, hampers both solidity of commitment and depth of emotional connection.
The form of couples therapy that I practice ̶ therapy focused on emotions ̶ seeks to reduce insecurity in the couple's mutual attachment and build a more secure relationship, by fostering deep emotional connection.
When it exists, people become skilled at identifying their deepest emotions and sharing them with their partner, which solidifies the relationship and opens up unexpected possibilities for happiness and satisfaction..
Security in our attachment to our partner, with the consequent depth in emotional connection, is a very effective antidote to out-of-relationship incantations.
These potential enchantments are no longer viewed as attractive or a source of possible happiness. Conversely, When the couple lacks deep emotional connection, people are more vulnerable to the illusion of looking outside the couple relationship for the comfort and connection they miss.
Marriage or formal bonding, which characterizes the second stage, facilitates total emotional engagement, because it formalizes the transfer of attachment from the family of origin to the spouse, and because it calms the anxiety of the enchantment.
The foundations are laid for an effective long-term commitment. Studies show that satisfaction tends to worsen and safety tends to improve in the early years. Studies also find that the more insecure the attachment, the shorter the relationship and the greater the likelihood of divorce..
Having understood the stages and elements of couple love, we have laid the foundations to answer the question posed by the title of this article.
We can affirm that it is not possible to live in true enchantment with more than one person, that is, I cannot be in the first stage of the couple's life simultaneously with two people.
However, the enchantment is possible with a third person in any of the following stages when the emotional connection is weak or superficial, either because it never existed or because it existed and has weakened.
In the same way, we can affirm that it is very difficult for a person to fall into a state of enchantment if the relationship is secure and the emotional connection is deep. Charms can creep into a limping relationship, but not into a strong one.
Like the relationship is very weak if there is no deep emotional connection, nor can one speak of true love of a couple without commitment.
Love curdles and becomes tangible when it takes that form of deep and lasting emotional connection that psychologists call secure attachment..
Secure attachment is the foundation of the life of a happy couple and of an intense sexual life that does not decline with the years. When this secure attachment is combined with commitment, the couple's relationship becomes practically invulnerable and the enchantments do not prosper.
I like to think, in the context of my own relationship with my wife of many years, that the enchantment is preserved, perhaps transmuted into a kind of quiet start, similar to the initial enchantment, and that we can call a charm.
In conclusion, this charm can only be maintained if the other essential elements of the couple relationship work: commitment and emotional connection.
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