How psychologist of the Judicial Branch, I have been able to experience what often beats at home, but is silent in public; and is that violence towards another human being is not the heritage of the male gender.
It sounds like sacrilege to raise the flag of equality in these cases; But if we hide that both sexes can be the origin of acts that threaten the emotional and physical security of the other, certainly the scourge will always enjoy good health.
Therefore, if we speak of "violence" without an adjective that accompanies it, we will achieve whoever is located as the author, who knows (and understands) that their way of interacting is at odds with the law, as it causes moral or physical damage; and who is the victim, to be able to visualize that your situation is not normal or common, and that you must take the necessary measures to safeguard your life in all aspects.
It is true that statistics show that women are more vulnerable, and the reasons are various: we can talk about its place in history; which, fortunately, has been changing as the struggles for equality are consolidated with triumphs.
As well as from the biological point of view, where the man has a larger frame, naturally designed for the protection of the "female and her young" in the suckling season. These, and other facts, have confused the male gender, with the clumsy idea of dominating all interaction, either with his thick voice ... or by force.
It is also true that the female gender is not the most affected; the truly vulnerable in every cycle of violence they are children and the elderly, simply because they lack or have few resources to defend themselves.
How violence manifests itself between humans: through acts of discrimination, submission, physical, sexual, verbal or psychological (also economic) aggression; and all of them, many times, in the silence of family life.
Violence needs at least two: executioner and sufferer; but many times, the environment, such as the couple's children, cease to be witnesses of the conflictive climate to be emotional victims of it.
Each horror scenario is as particular as a fingerprint, because it depends on the personality of its participants, their personal stories, and the context that defines them..
However, as in all social science, it is possible to take common features of the different violent episodes, to understand the “why” they occur; and to be able to arrive at a “how” to avoid them, or to grow.
First of all, it should be noted that domestic violence is circular in nature and is always on the rise.
It is not necessary to wait for the couple to be consolidated; sometimes the signs are clear in that first glance. Many women have confessed in their therapies how jealous their husband was in times of courtship, criticizing his clothes, suspecting his friends, or distancing him from social life ... but that she took it with grace, or believing that this made her valuable, or was it a token of love.
Infatuation gives way to love. As the interest in seeing one's own weak points decreases, the objective gaze towards the other grows, discovering that not everything is as perfect as it was believed.
Daily life is far from the dream. Needs, responsibilities, complaints and criticisms appear. For those with the capacity for tolerance and frustration, maintaining empathy with the other is plausible; but for the others, with an upbringing devoid of social values, any liquid serves to exploit.
There is a first stage in this cycle of violence, which studies call "Voltage build-up", between established power relations.
Arguing is not bad, it is simply the possibility that each person defends their point of view; but the irrational takes over the scene, when, due to the impotence of maintaining control over the other, verbal violence is present. The friction already lacks diplomacy, and anxiety and hostility accumulates and is expressed.
The insinuations, indifference, humiliation and sarcasm towards the weakest appear, which tries to calm the "nervous" believing that she may be the cause of the discomfort.
In the violent one, the change of mood appears, the complaints about small things and the increase in tension when not seeing their wishes fulfilled. The victim, for his part, often refuses to acknowledge the dangerousness of the situation.
The second stage is called "The one with the blow or explosion". Crosswords are no longer enough. For the intolerant, changes are not enough; and like any predator, it has felt fear in the prey, and feels the "power" over it.
The insults reach a point where the aggressor loses control, to lead to shoving, slapping, kicking, punching, assault with objects, serious injury ... or a worse ending. There are no limits to the fury of a batterer.
This is the point at which many victims make their first complaint to the Justice, but it is also the moment of greatest indecision, registering a high rate of regrets and victims trying to withdraw the complaint (preferably due to threats or promises of change by the aggressor).
You arrive at the third stage called "Honeymoon or regret", where the perpetrator becomes aware of the wrongdoing, or that he may lose his place in power if his victim abandons him.
That is why he asks for forgiveness, he cries, he promises more changes than he is really willing to execute. He makes excuses, states that he is not like that, that the circumstances are what led him ... The victim "mistakenly" thinks that he can lose everything, and is tempted to believe in the aggressor, to whom he grants forgiveness, in the hope of a miracle.
Momentarily the two live a period of idyll similar to infatuation.
Why doesn't the aggressor change? Simply because it responds to what reality shows you. He observes that first he insults, then he shakes, then he hits, then he apologizes and they pardon him and give him another chance.
So why change?… If everything works out for him; and repeats it over and over. In reality, the one who has to change is the one who takes the place of the victim, giving himself his place and not allowing himself to be harmed.
Advice for those who suffer from this scourge: do not isolate yourself from family or friends, do not stop working, or absent yourself from the social activities that formed your life.
Never withdraw the judicial complaint (the victim is not responsible for the legal consequences. It is the aggressor who must take responsibility for his actions). Do not deny the existence of violence, nor see it as something normal and habitual in all couples, nor justify it.
If necessary: go to therapy, where you will receive the necessary advice and help.
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