We are social and sociable beings. The evolution of the human being as a species is not understood without relationships with others, friendships and enmities, loves and heartbreaks, alliances and betrayals. We are tied by relational ties with multiple people and, above all, we are tied by those same ties with that person who is with us day after day., our own self.
Faced with these relational situations with others and with ourselves, conflicts or difficulties often arise that they can give us a lot of headaches and cause a lot of suffering.
Currently, much importance and relevance is given to what has been considered to be called "Toxic relationships", and with this importance a maxim has been imposed: flee from them!
Perfectly a good proclamation as far as distance is an effective method In order not to be invaded by these relationships, now, what happens to those relationships that we want to maintain but that we have entrenched? What happens when the toxic is myself to myself? This is where it makes sense to talk about PAN.
PAN is the way in which we refer to the three states of the self with which we work from the Transactional Analysis (AT), humanist theory devised by Eric Berne, who worked a lot on the way we relate to others and ourselves (states of the self, types of transactions, psychological games ...); These ego states refer to:
Q: Dad
TO: Adult
N: Boy
Each person has and can be in each of these states of self at a given moment, being changeable at every moment, situation or person. None of them are bad or good, and each of the three is necessary.
It is about knowing them and realizing in what state of I am in each moment and to identify in the other in which state of the self it is positioned to be able to improve and maintain healthier and more positive relationships with others and of course with ourselves.
At a general level (those who want to go deeper, I encourage you to read more about Transactional Analysis and Eric Berne) we will talk that we are in a father status when we behave, feel and express ourselves to others or to ourselves in ways similar to our parents or to people of authority with whom we have lived or coincided in our life.
An example:
My partner is going out to dinner with his friends and I tell him before going out: "Look to see how you behave ..."
This phrase comes directly from my Father because it is a message with a authoritarian way, that goes vertically, I am the one who knows and the one who sanctions, it carries many associated messages (Don't be silly, be nice, if you do something I don't like then there will be consequences ...)
I can say it with the biggest smile but the message is clearly authoritative, I repeat formulas that my parents have surely addressed to me and I feel in that part of rresponsibility and superiority in which it is up to me to advise or command the other.
When we talk about the state of the Father I, we can divide it in two at a functional level:
PC: Critical Parent, which sets rules and limits, directs, sanctions ... It has a positive way in that it gives us a structure and values that we can grasp to know what is right or wrong. ("If you damage the computer, you will pay for the fix"), and a negative way that scolds us, drowns us, He sanctions us for everything, he underestimates, he ridicules... ("You're useless, it's your fault")
PN: Nutritive Father, which gives affection, encouragement, values the person, protects and cares for them. It also has a positive way that is one that gives unconditional love and support. ("I love you, you are a very valid person, I am proud of you") and a negative way in which he overprotects ("Don't walk away, stay with me, who's going to love you more than me")
We will talk about been me adult. This state is the one that corresponds to logic, to coherence, it is based on data and facts, it is not carried away by fantasy or prejudice as if the other two forms can..
It is the one that matters to us that he takes executive control, that is, even if at a given moment we are in the Father state, because we have to sanction a conduct, or in Child state because we are enjoying crazy, he is behind to know when we are making wrong decisions or placing ourselves in a harmful way of the other states of the self.
With the example of my partner the Adult state could say: "Have a good time, if you need something you can let me know that I will leave the mobile with the sound activated"
Does not sanction, does not threaten, encourages the other and gives options by making the decision for himself to leave the sound on respecting and giving freedom to the other person so that you can choose at any given time from a position of equality. I decide to leave the sound, I decide that you can wake me up if something happens and let you know that I am there.
Finally we reach the state I Child which would correspond to all those attitudes, emotions and thoughts that resemble those we had in childhood, spontaneous laughter, dreams, creativity, authenticity ...
In all of us there is a NL, a Free Child, which is the one that gives rise to creativity, imagination, laughter and the most spontaneous and natural actions. That is the healthy Child, it is necessary to take care of and avoid sanctioning from a Critical Parent.
How many times can I have a carefree attitude (jumping in a puddle) that transmits joy and well-being and another person or myself sanctions me with a "What nonsense", "go bullshit", "you've already stained" and we cut to the chase that Free Child who gives us highs of joy and well-being.
The maladaptive forms of the Child that can cause us discomfort are the NAS, Submissive Adapted Child, and the NR, Rebel Child, who may have arisen from having to adapt at the time to their environment in a passive and accommodating way, in the case of NAS or in a way of rebellion and defiant attitude in the case of NR.
In the case of my partner from the NAS, it could be that I wanted to go out with her or propose to meet her later to have a drink but that for fear of disturbing she did not say anything or a simple "have a good time" with a face of sorrow and resignation. This can cause in my partner a feeling of discomfort when going out the door or that he did not go out directly saying that he did not feel like it but that he was moved by the pain of not leaving me alone, A very insane way of having a relationship on the part of both!
In the case of the NR I could say "Very good, go out with your friends that I will call mine and we will prepare a party here at home" with a cocky attitude and playing "And me more", provoking defiance and sanctioning in a dishonest way that my partner goes out and has a good time and I do not.
Although there is much more to learn and to know about the exciting world of Transactional Analysis, I believe that with these brushstrokes many will feel recognized with some state of self.
I encourage you that in your relationships and watching others either in person or on TV, try to identify where you are or the other is located and if you can change to a healthier way where the Adult is the one who puts a good judgment.
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